dealing with the sting of rejection

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I don't necessarily need advice, just need an outlet to vent and maybe a confirmation that this happens to other people and not just me.

I've recently been "rejected" (I use the term loosely because I never explicitly expressed my interest so the "no" was also more implied than explicitly expressed). The interest was mutual at first, but for reasons unbeknownst to me he changed his mind. Since I already invested too much of myself in the "relationship" (again I use the term loosely because we never really went out or did anything sexual), I ended up spending MONTHS trying to figure out what I did wrong and hoping to change his mind back. Oh, and I may have unwittingly come across as a stalker in the process.

Anyway, I finally accepted that it was over before it even began, and slowly but surely stopped obsessing about what I shouldn't have done or said (it doesn't matter!). However, this person works at the same company, and after about a month of successfully avoiding him, our paths finally crossed today. Well, our paths almost crossed, because when he saw me coming he made a sudden turn and I could tell he was avoiding me, and for some reason it really hurt and I felt the sting all over again.

I don't know what I was expecting, really, because it would've still hurt if he had been nice to me. I think, though, his avoidance made it look like that he didn't want to have anything to do with me, and I hate how far we've come since the days when he used to smile at me and look at me with longing eyes.

I must confess I laughed a couple of times reading your post, I've had similar experiences.

I have no idea how to resolve your situation, it sounds incredibly cringe-worthy to experience.

I'd say, ride it out, we are odd and some people just can't be comfortable with that.

So, NOTHING was explicitly said and everything was "implied" / "understood" about mutual interest and "lost interest" ? Well, how do you know that MAYBE he thought that you weren't interested, was hurt, and is avoiding you for the exact same reason that you were avoiding him ?

Meh... I hate all this "Does he, doesn't he, should I, shouldn't I ?" business. Just march up to him and ask him straight out, already ! Well.. sort of. BUT, what is the worst that could happen if you "casually bumped into him" at the water cooler, and started a conversation with him ? Would it be too awkward ? If you don't trust yourself to keep your head in-person, then maybe do it over phone ? Perhaps call him, and say something along the lines of, "Hey, I saw you today at the lobby / conference area / outside X's office, and realized that I hadn't seen you in a while ! How HAVE you been ?", and then see what he says.

If he doesn't want to talk, then fine. Move on. BUT, if he hesitantly says something similar, or seems unsure what to say, then seize the opportunity and CASUALLY invite him to coffee, "sometime this week", and take it from there. Maybe even make up a fake excuse such as a project you want to discuss or some new-fangled software you don't know how to use & need some help with....... whatever you can think of. Just make it very, very casual (so as to put him at ease), and be as matter-of-fact as you can be. Then see what happens. Once you meet up for coffee, you can slowly probe to find out what went wrong and why. But that's two steps away, and you need to reach out first.

I only suggest this because it wasn't as if the two of you dated for several months, decided that you weren't really compatible, and then he dumped you like a sack of hot potatoes. It all seems very gray and misty and confusing and a bunch of assumptions and hurt feelings and what-not (probably on the part of both individuals), with nothing explicitly stated / talked about / discussed. So, there is a good chance that this was all a giant misunderstanding, especially if he also tries to avoid you. If he had no feelings at all, then he wouldn't have rushed to avoid you ? If you were just a co-worker, he may have at least smiled at you and said "Hello". At least that's what I think.

However, do proceed carefully because he's a coworker, and you NEVER spit where you eat. You don't want this to cost your job. But do take that last chance if you really like him that much because nothing venture, nothing have.

Good luck !

Like I said, it was over before it even began, and I'm more interested in dealing with the emotion of being rejected than figuring out if he likes/doesn't like me (I know he did, but he changed his mind and if there's any question it's WHY?). I am so done trying to have any kind of relationship with him.

In one of our earlier conversations when no one was around he stood really close to me and I think was trying to kiss me, but at the time I wasn't ready so I averted eye contact until he backed away. I used to wonder what would've happened if I didn't let my shyness get the best of me because that could've really changed the nature of our relationship, but it doesn't really matter because it's not like I can change the past can I?

Do you want to change the past ?

Your sub-text is very different from what you are explicitly stating, which is why I suggested trying to approach him again, to see if there was a misunderstanding. Granted that I am not a mind-reader, but it seems to me that you really like this guy ! If you didn't care about this fellow, then you wouldn't sit and complain about being "rejected" weeks down the line, and even a month after no-contact. You don't have to scream it from the roof-tops, but if you do care, then take steps to "change the past" (yes, it CAN be done, but you need to proceed extra-carefully because you work with this guy).

Now, if you REALLY AND TRULY don't give a brass farthing, then who cares why he changed his mind ? Maybe he got antsy about starting a relationship with a co-worker. If he tried to kiss you and you backed off, that might have made him change his mind in a great, big hurry. I hate these office romances for this reason - if things go wrong, then it's mighty easy to accuse your former love-interest of sexual harassment and ruin their life / career. Maybe that's why he backed off when you unwittingly signaled that he'd better not come within a kilometre of you, and is now trying to avoid you.

Or maybe he has a wife at home or is seeing someone else and decided that she was more his type. Or maybe he just doesn't want to spit where he eats. Don't sit and stew over something that - in your own words - was over before it started. I am the obsessive type, too, so I know this is not easy but do it for your own peace of mind. If it's over and you don't really care about a "relationship" with this guy, then move on. Change jobs if you have to. Whatever helps.

Although, again, that sub-text in your post tells me that you might be better off arranging to "casually" run into him somewhere, and re-starting an equally "casual conversation" about that awful project that is taking forever to get done (or something along those lines).

Whatever you decide to do, good luck !




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That sucks. I wish he would handle it more smoothly - it's unnecessary to avoid you like this, that does make it sting worse! Why not just try to go back to acting like before anything even "started". Someone did this to me once too - in that case, it was a person who tried to get together with me, but I refused because the situation was completely inappropriate. It was confusing and awful - but I realized that it spoke more about his own insecurities than anything to do with me, so I didn't let it make me feel insecure. In your situation, I personally would just continue to accept that he isn't interested and respect the distance he wants by not approaching or initiating anything - maybe he will relax with time. Play it cool, act like nothing happened is what I would do. As for the why - it's hard, especially when it seemed like there was hope at first. But I think people just use that getting to know you period in order to decide if they want to get romantically involved or not. They invest in that initial period just to have a chance to figure that out, and it can really go either way. I used to think if they were getting to know me, surely they liked me enough - because I am quite cautious and observant beforehand - but for many people they do the getting to know you, complete with flirting and longing eyes and all, while figuring it out. I also think there can be a lot of false fantasy ideas in that initial period that gets tempered by reality as they actually learn about you (well, it's both ways). I also used to think I said or did something specific that could be corrected, but I think it's more likely the overall impression of good vs. bad romantic relationship fit based on what they are looking for - and the overall impression of my personality and who I am. I don't know if any of this can actually help with dealing with the feelings, but I hope so.

I dealt with that for years until I met my boyfriend. I told the people I liked that I liked them, but they acted like I was the biggest weirdo ever. Thank God that I found someone that understands me and vice versa. I hope you find someone amazing!

If you two work at the same place.... you will run into each other-- is there any way to try to make it less awkward? Probably not, since he is avoiding you there is no room for apologies and less just be civil and acquaintances.

That sucks. But ... just realize he wasn't the one for you. The one for you will like you for you. I hope it gets better and smoothes over with time. I never dealt with something like that. I only have sympathy for your pain of rejection and the pain of him not evening wanting to cross paths.

I am glad you came on here to rant and vent. I hope all gets better for you.