Is it common for women with AS to get taken advantage of?

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I've had trouble with men all my life. I am often too trusting and friendly towards men. I tend to ignore/misread signals that a man is interested in me. The result is I've gotten myself into dangerous situations. I never seem to know how to get men to leave me alone without being extremely rude. So men have taken advantage of me, and I've been assaulted a few times. I'm wondering if anyone else has had similar experiences?

Any weakness is bound to be exploited sooner or later.

That may be true, but it doesn't really answer my question.

Yes, multiple times, but it isn't just by men. Women have been equally problematic, as I simply fail to read predators and users correctly. I was attacked once by a man after I had accompanied him to his home and into his bedroom (with no CLUE that this might be interpreted as interest in or consent to sex ). I was shocked when he not only demanded that I submit to sexual advances, but pulled out a knife and threatened me with it. He tried choking me too. None of this worked, and eventually I started screaming. His mother came running, pounded on the door, and ordered him to let me go. She then drove me back to my apartment.

I was 32 years old at the time.

I er on the side of caution. I am bad at face expresions and body language so I cant tell what a mans intentions are.

To start with they have to be completely respectful or I won't even speak to them if they stare too long, look me up and down, say something sexual etc. I will walk away and talk to someone else, or if at a bar or some thing say I'm not interested and walk away.

It's important to have some basic rules, if you meet someone you want to take home only ever go to your house not his, if you leave a social occasion with a man they will think you are going to have sex with them so don't go unless that's what you want, never walk to car alone, never go to a secluded place stay around other people, never accept a ride home.

A big problem I have is interpreting a man's intentions. I tend to assume that a man who is being friendly is only being friendly or polite. Then it turns out I am wrong and I only discover this once there is obvious inappropriate behavior. I also tend to ignore any intuition I may have that something isn't right because I assume I'm overreacting.

I was assaulted by a man I had just met. He said he was interested in me, but I told him I have a boyfriend and was not at all interested in being more than friends. He agreed to be friends and to respect my wishes and I decided to hang out with him since I don't have friends at all. Apparently he was manipulating me the entire time, because once we were alone he took advantage. I couldn't defend myself because I was too intoxicated to get him to stop. He waited until just the right moment, when I was the most drunk, and alone, to do it. He must have had it in mind the whole time. I remember being outraged because he agreed to being friends only, then broke his word. It didn't even cross my mind that this could occur.

It makes me feel really stupid that I'm so naive but I don't know how to fix it other than to trust no one and assume every man is potentially dangerous. I still have problems with men pushing boundaries and I really don't know what to do or say to solve the problem diplomatically. Many of these men have been people I see regularly, such as at work, and I don't think it's wise to make enemies in those cases.

I think having rules is a great idea, but I never knew what the rules are or should be. The ones suggested sound very good, but I often need to have "regular people" explain things to me that are supposed to be obvious. Or I learn things the hard way.

I have the exact same problem. The only way I've found to deal with it is to just assume that all males have sexual intentions and be carefully guarded, unless time really proves otherwise.



That's horrible. I'm so sorry that happened to you.

I don't know if it helps when I say this, I hope it does, but realize this is a common scenario and it could happen to any woman. You weren't stupid, you communicated clearly and thought you had an agreement. It sounds like he had every intention of deceiving you so this wasn't a misunderstanding. You didn't misread his intentions, he concealed them from you.

Part of what makes women with autism more vulnerable to something like this is we tend to take people at their word. I take words literally so if a person gives me their word on something I believe it. Even if I see evidence to the contrary it's hard for me to understand that the words they used were a lie or manipulation.

This guy's behavior was really reprehensible because he gave you his word and either he misjudged his own intentions or he was just plain lying when he said it. Either way he gave you reason to trust him and he violated that in a very predatory way. This wasn't your fault.

I would like to believe that men and women can be friends, but in reality it usually doesn't work that way. I know this sounds really cynical but in my experience, when there's a need for an agreement to be made about it, that's usually a warning sign in and of itself. Especially if you have to say it more than once.

For some guys it is a real blow to their male ego if they perceive they are being "friend zoned" and they take it as a challenge instead of a boundary. Some will do just about anything to get past it, even if they aren't really interested to begin with.

Personally I just won't take the risk anymore, if a male friend expresses interest in me and I'm not into it then I'm just going to distance myself. It's not just the possibility of assault, which is frightening enough...it's also things like them getting jealous or wanting to take revenge on me, or other people misinterpreting things as mutual. It's. just. not. worth. it.



It's difficult and I don't know if I will ever really get the hang of it. It's a big part of why I'm a lot less sociable with people than I used to be.

I feel bad about thinking that men are dangerous and I don't want to treat them that way but how am I really supposed to know which ones are and which ones aren't? I certainly wasn't given any real pointers on this growing up, and I think if I had then I might have avoided some bad situations and wouldn't be feeling so disillusioned about it all now.

Instead I was brought up thinking you have to be friendly with everyone and had a real guilt trip laid on me if I wasn't. This has caused me a LOT of problems and has taken a lot of time to undo. But the less friendly I am with people in general, the fewer problems and misunderstandings I have with people.

Thank you, Dianthus. It helps to know I'm not the only one confused by these things. I just wish I had some sort of book on socializing so that I could learn what to do in different situations. Most people just find these things obvious but I do not.

I think I need to ask a lot of women how they deal with these things and maybe try to find out what the rules are that I'm not getting. I refused to tell anyone I know besides my bf, so there really isn't anyone I can ask in person. My bf told me that a man will assume that going alone to hang out means that he has a chance at having sex. And that being alone at a bar (which I was) seems like an invitation for creepy men to hit on a woman.That made no sense to me, as I know that women that are trying to meet men go out in groups, not alone. I would always assume that someone who is sitting alone at a bar wants to be left alone, as I did. This man only approached me after I was drunk, so I guess he had been watching me.

I really don't understand why I can't go by myself to a local bar to have some drinks and eat dinner if I have no one to go with and don't feel like staying home. I should be able to go and be left alone. But apparently that is not a good idea.

I also prefer to go out at night and run errands, etc, when there are less people around, and creepy men tend to be out at those hours. I think I am going to have to come up with a few different plans ahead of time in case I am in an uncomfortable situation so that I already know what to say and do. And if I feel uncomfortable, I should trust my instincts and try to distance myself from that person.

It's all so complicated...

This has nothing to do with being autistic or NT, NT girls are assaulted all the time. No one can tell a mans intentions. So yes, that's exactly how every woman should be, assume everyone is dangerous until they prove themselves otherwise. And I should have had that one in my rules, don't get drunk unless with people you trust.

I don't assume everybody is dangerous....because most people really aren't.

But I do keep a wary eye on things, and make sure people don't know that I'm keeping the wary eye.

I'm not naturally suspicious, though. I'm naturally trusting. I prefer to tell the truth, and I like being open with people. It's hard for me to overcome my nature and be wary. I try really hard, like I try to keep my mouth shut instead of blurting everything out that comes to mind. But it takes constant effort. If I relax and let my guard down I forget and do stupid things. I must be vigilant at all times.

I know that I have done something stupid, after the fact, and then of course it seems obvious. I hope I get better with practice. I did finally learn to make small talk a year or so ago. After years of adulthood, once it was explained to me I understood its purpose, and now I am much better at it. Perhaps being cautious of other people (without going overboard about it and scaring myself) will be the same. Right now I get upset quite often if a man is looking at me in public. I don't know whether or not I'm overreacting.

I appreciate the advice. I think it's going to take some work, but I will try to be more careful. I haven't had anything to drink in a few weeks. I began using it to cope with social situations when I was young and developed a problem.

I misread signals all the time and have gotten to the point I am wary of men. I don't like to assume a man talks to me just because he wants to get in my pants. Thinking that way makes me feel awful. But sometimes I see how the friendship plays out. Sometimes I ask if there are other intentions. Either way they always know I am in a relationship. Eventually they get weird then try to flirt or send naked pictures, etc. When I don't respond the way they want me to then the friendship is over by their hand. Then I end up feeling like an idiot. I wanted a friend but they just talked and pretended to be friendly because they wanted to see if they could get anywhere. I have been assaulted multiple times and worse from men. I only walk to work by myself, if I go anywhere my husband accompanies me. I used to go for walks when moving here but people would yell things out the window, whistle and call me names, so it caused a lot of anxiety and I stopped.

I think people with AS might not have as well defined boundaries as many NT people, which leaves us open to all sorts of mistreatment. That's been the case for me anyway, and I've had some horrible experiences with men before I learned to safeguard myself

I found the work of Liane Holliday Willey to be very helpful. You might want to check out her book, "Safety Skills for Asperger Women: How to Save a Perfectly Good Female Life" if you haven't already read it.

Like the other posters in this thread, I have been, and sadly continue to be far too naive with respect to most people (of which men are a large subset). The fact some of them have been predatory men, does not prove that all men who are friendly are predatory or only have one thing on their minds. I've had many good platonic male friends, starting in elementary school. The truly friendly and trustworthy male who is interested in friendship is not a myth. It's just that sorting them from the other type is difficult for those of us who are trusting, honest, open, blunt and socially impaired.

I will check out the book. I do agree that I have issues with setting boundaries. I believe I have Asperger's, based upon the research I have done, my symptoms, and the online tests (for whatever they're worth). I am in the process of trying to get an evaluation, but it's not easy. There aren't a lot of resources for adults here.

I mention this because although I'm not 100 percent certain I have an autism spectrum disorder, I feel my symptoms are severe enough that I would benefit from having a therapist that specializes in treating those who do. My previous therapists and I have had communication issues. They don't understand me, and I misunderstand them. Nothing gets accomplished. I feel someone that understands the way I think may be able to help me with these problems, like socializing, setting boundaries, executive functioning, etc.

Then I feel I can develop healthy ways of dealing with men, setting boundaries without coming across as a b**** and pissing everyone else off. At least that's what I hope.

sometimes people will try to make you feel bad for setting boundaries no matter how nicely you do it. you need to be prepared to let them be angry and unfair without blaming it on yourself.