Have you felt alienated/discounted by the autistic men here?

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Has anyone else on this forum experienced being discounted because of being female--like your experiences with autism somehow aren't real? I feel like I often end up having the same conversations with men on this forum over and over again trying to explain that I experience many of the same things they do due to my autism, only to be told that can't be possible because people can't possibly reject me for being awkward like guys with autism get rejected. I come here to relate to people with similar experiences, and I end up feeling invalidated and excluded just like with NT people. I feel like I shouldn't even bother coming here anymore, and now I don't even want to try an autism meet-up group that's available in my area because it's all men and I feel like I will just get judged by them the same way I get judged here, like I can't possibly understand what it's like to be autistic because I'm a woman--or they will just all be creepy and try to hit on me instead of trying to relate to me like a human being. It's so disheartening and makes me feel like there is no place for me anywhere, not even among other autistic people.

Just wanted to give this thread a bump as I made it rather late last night and I didn't want it to sink into obscurity without more people seeing it.

Your profile says male so color me a bit surprised - sorry if I typecast you as a guy! From what I've seen we all get rejected just the same. By the same token sometimes we don't. I know more women who understand my AS than guys by a long shot, even though a decent number of my male friends know the terms...

I suppose you're also not verging on 2000 years of age! Part of what keeps me around here is all the mysterious profiles.
Also yeah, I'm a guy & sometimes guys here catch me off guard, I'm not easy to alienate but it does happen.

I made my profile male when I first signed up because I was a lurker for a while before I made an account so I could make posts, but from what I saw I didn't think I would be very welcome if I admitted I was a woman. I have since been unable to change it so it still says male. I wish I hadn't disclosed that I am actually a woman and tried to talk about what it's like being a woman with autism. It has been nothing but frustrating and disheartening to be talked over and ignored and invalidated time and time again by autistic men. It is beginning to make me think that autistic men are not worth trying to talk to because of how closed-minded and sexist they can be in regards to women.

Also, I put this thread in Women's Discussion because I am really hoping to hear from other women if they have experienced the same kind of frustration and invalidation here. Not that I don't value your opinion, but it sort of defeats the purpose if a bunch of guys jump into the thread and make women feel uncomfortable commenting, like they so often do in thread in Women's Discussion.

Its much better than it was even a year ago wilburforce , most of the Autistic men here are just regular. I know my experience of the world is real, and I try to understand the few guys here that bemoan their existence, cuz Ive been there, or somewhere similar.

Often with the more outspoken posters it seems quite like a one sided understanding though, and at that point I cant relate to that person at all, beyond knowing that I am dealing with an emotionally charged and not a rational person.

I actually feel like there have been users actively trying to make me feel unwelcome here, not just because I'm female but because I sometimes talk about sexism and feminism and that seems to be a big no-no here with many guys. I just want a place to go where I can talk about my social difficulties without some guy jumping in every five minutes to tell me my feelings don't matter because I'm a girl and that means all I have to do is step outside and any man I see would gladly f**k me which apparently would solve all my problems or something, or that surely I don't HAVE any real social difficulties becuase only guys are treated badly for being awkward and when women are awkward it's cute and makes everyone act nice to them. It's so tiresome.

Those women who don't see an insult in an every post, who don't derail someone else's thread with their own angsty stories, and who don't argue for the sake of arguing seem to get along with others just fine.

Autistic men on this website tend to post what we think and feel - not always what others want us to post. Unfortunately, this can get us in trouble with the mods, so most of us try to walk that fine line between honesty and political correctness.

"Political Correctness" = "Telling Pleasant Lies"

Last edited by Fnord on 28 Dec 2015, 7:28 am, edited 1 time in total.

Wilbur: To speak plainly, yes there was a culture in the WP community which was very much male orientated. That is changing, to a more equal culture, at a nice steady sustainable pace. I believe this progress should not be sabotaged.

Im not outspoken, its not that I dont care about the bigger issues in life, its simply that I have limited energies and only on occasion do I have the spare personal resources for the bigger/philosophical ideas.

Also there are more men on this site, equality to me is representative of each individual, not a 50/50 split, there are more men with an ASD diagnosis in general. Thats just a reality.

The ASD women are a marginal group, of a marginal group; but women have historically been marginal, perhaps the WP culture of selective application of the normative status quo is what you have difficulty with?

Totally!
Apparently women with autism can find a mate at every corner. It's ridiculous.


Yup, same here.
It all comes to the diagnosis of autism - it's based on perception of others. If you are not perceived as socially challenged, then you are not, or no longer are autistic. It comes from a lack of understanding of the autistic experience. And it is disheartening when fellow autistics do this based on gender, especially on an autism support site.


I've spend time amongst autistic men and it turned creepy fast. Men first, autistic second, I guess.

Bieng autistic make us blunt. Blunt does not neccesaraly equal mean or rude. Our autism can often make it hard to for us to tell the difference. If somebody tells you are bieng mean or rude or offensive especially on this site assume at least to them, and maybe to other members who are not saying anything, you are. Knowing you are bieng offensive,mean or rude and not tying to change that particular behavoir is wrong. If you generally do not know why you hurting others ask plainly and directly but nicely what you are doing wrong. If you are the one who has been hurt, offended or triggered do not assume it is some sort of conspiracy or that the person offending as an "ist" of some sort. Just say or list specifically what they are doing to hurt you and why what they are saying is hurting you. That way we all learn.

Last edited by ASPartOfMe on 28 Dec 2015, 1:03 pm, edited 4 times in total.

Something I wanted to add, about feminism, extremists (who seem emotionally charged and not rational) are 'shouting the loudest' and catching the most attention. When another regular woman outwardly resembles these fundie-types through her words, I believe it taps into a mass hysteria and keep in mind that many people with ASD (men and women) will have a heightened sense of fight or flight.
I wonder what is more important to you, a movement you believe in or the methodology you choose to achieve the movements goals.

It feels to me sometimes that all the guys around here do is go on about how they can't get a date because of their lack of social skills and oh no they're going to be virgins forever and boo hoo hoo women are to blame for all my problems.

and if a women stands up for her rights at all, she's a feminazi. Especially when someone has been very sexist to her and she tells them off.

Of course it's not just here, everywhere on the internet men will hide behind their computer screen and username and say all kinds of horrible things, including NT people.

Yeah...it does seem that way.

But it isn't true. It's a rather small minority of the guys here.

Most men on WP are respectful.
There's been a few instances when they've been snarky and patronising or conveniently ignored my contribution completely.
I tend to bow out of any discussions that involve a number of men jumping on and picking apart my posts when all I've done is share my view on the subject (which is what they asked for) or made suggestions about how they might improve their situation.
I don't see any point in prolonging an argument when they've already made up their mind that they're right.
I automatically view the threads that start with something like, "Why are all women..." as excluding women from the discussion.
They don't really want to know.
They just want to have a whinge with their mates.

Last edited by Raleigh on 28 Dec 2015, 3:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Yeah and you can say all of that first paragraph about the MEN here. But since it doesn't refer to BOTH genders, that paragraph is a bunch of sexism just by starting saying "Those WOMEN who...."

And what about Those Men Who.....goad, are passive aggressive, belittle and insult people here BUT SNEAKILY, and make sure they act the innocent when called out on it.

What matter to me is feeling like I have a place I can go to talk about things in my life that effect me, including sexism, without being told my experiences are not real. That's all I want.