Adult Aspie Daughter NT Mom: how to bond

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Hi, I need advice on how to bond with my NT mom as an adult Aspie daughter.

I am 25, female, Aspie with ADD inattentive type and Depression. I am also medicated and doing therapy to manage symptoms. I was dx-ed as a child, but my parents did not believe in therapy or psychiatry drugs. I struggled to cope throughout my life and after seing therapist for years, this year I finally get my ADD and depression medicated.

I noticed that my medication helps me immensely to bond with my parents. Whilisy there is no "cure" for AS, my ADD and depression, untreated leaves me unable to function, let alone to allocate very expensive mental energy to connect with my parents, especially my mom.

Please share your experience on how do you, as an Aspie child/daughter bond with your NT mom.

AS a child, teen, and young adults; I never could really bond with my mom. She exhibited symtoms of clinical depression for years and refuse to take antidepressant, recommended by pcp. I am no professional, but she is as NT as one can get.

At some point in my life, I thought I was adopted. When I left for summer school, I finally sense a brief relief, not having to face her. According to my therapist and pdoc, rightly or wrongly, my mom is a huge stressor in my life. She still, to this day doesn't believe in AS, medication, and the like.

Please give me hope. Why is it so hard to connect with someone whom you are biologically linked?

Especially since the media always romanticised the relationship between mom-daughter. I can bear the thought of missing out on that. But my mom is too emotionally unstable, She think I keep becoming more and more distant to her everyday and the more she is depressed, the less sleep she is getting, and the more ocd she is about over exercising. She is right though. As I am becoming an adult, I am finding less and less things in common with her. For example, she likes to talk about mundane stuffs like gossip, the neighbours, her diet, fashion, etc. I need to make sure I am well fed and medicated before even picking up the phone to call her and I am just emotionally exhausted afterwards.

I was never hugged or kissed as a child. I was a first born and I had a little brother, 3 years younger than me. He was the golden child. My mom would shower him with kissess, affection, gifts...etc. I was always left to my own devices. It hurts seeing such partial treatment, but I guess I grow accostumed to it. My little brother passed way unexpectedly when I was 19, and for a year my mom had to live in another country because everything with the slightest linked to my little brother would sent her into hours of ugly screaming cry. The thing is, for years, I was always neglected and I never really learn how to connect with her.

I tried to entertain her calls, her unannounced visit, her intrusion to my private quiet time. She hates it when I don't leave my room and make comments about how I should put more effort to be an extrovert. She wanted me to be more like my NT cousins, go shopping with her, talk about boys with her, etc. I feel like a failure every single day. Not because I am tired of trying. But because I intellectually know that I can never give her what she needs.

I don't know how long I can play keep up.

I think probably the bonding issue is more caused by your Mom than by you. My Mom has always been a huge support to me, and it's especially when I'm down that I value the connection with her.

But some parents have emotional issues that make them poorly equipped to be there for their children. I think in that case, unless she recognizes she has a problem and tries to change, all you can do is focus your energy on finding a 'chosen family' of friends to make up for the lack in your birth family.

It sounds like you're trying really hard, but I'm getting the impression your mum is not so accommodating to your needs, especially if she doesn't even believe your AS. That's not very fair on you at all.

You asked about sharing our experiences. I'm not 100% convinced my mum is NT, but a lot of what you're saying sounds familiar to my relationship with my mum. She has always expected "something" from myself and my dad (who is undiagnosed AS but we're all convinced he is AS...) but I've never been sure what it is. It makes her angry at me and my dad because we can't fulfill whatever needs it is she requires.

I think sometimes it is just for us to listen to her - she has health problems and I think it helps for her to tell them to someone. That's mostly what I do now - let her tell me those and I will make encouraging noises. It seems to help. I'm not sure what else to do, though, and like you, I have to have some serious downtime even after a 15-minute call.

I also get a bit sad about the romanticised relationship between mother and daughter. But at the same time, I know my mother has not ever really made an effort with me and certainly treated me differently to how she treats her sons from her first marriage.

It's a very complex and difficult situation and I don't really know the answers... but you're certainly not alone.

I don't understand this need to have something in common with a family member to offer them company. You are not the way she would like you to be, she is not the way you would like her to be; both of you should accept your differences and focus on simply keeping each other company, whether it be having a conversation, listening to the other person talk, or silently watching TV together.