Giving back gifts.

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First of all, I'm not certain how transparent this forum is/isn't to the men here, so I'm not sure how transparent I should/shouldn't be.
The basics are: I've recently ended a casual relationship with an aspie that it seems, on his end, wasn't so casual. He's basically had a bit of a breakdown, because he assumed we were farther along in things than I thought we were. I never, ever gave him spoken word that our relationship was serious, and he never, ever gave me unspoken word impressions that it was serious, either. Chalk it up to NT/aspie barriers. I did truly care for this person but I came to realize that he wasn't able to fulfill emotional/physical needs.
Moving on: I moved on. I'm emotionally involved with someone else (duh), so I broke it off with the first bloke. Huge, enduring emotional fit ensues, on his end.
He has come to my workplace, uninvited, and ended up being 'escorted out' by a very kind coworker. He's then come to my door several times, to the point of me being afraid to go home, and instead staying at the apartment where I work as a part-time nanny, instead. This may be causing some angst with my hoi polio mid-town employers. I don't want them to think of me as someone whose personal life is in constant upheaval, cuz that's not the case.
Anyway. I'm obviously (to some) attached to somebody else, now, and that person has lately been the rock to whom I turn for advice. But on this issue, his advice is definitely biased. I need some unbiased advice.
The 'first guy' wants a sit-down lunch/dinner conversation with me. I would have been ok
with this a week or two ago; in fact it's exactly what I wanted, until he barged into my workplace and scared the living s**t out of half my coworkers. I'm done with politeness, now.
My question is this: he gave me something of personal and monetary value just before I broke it iff with him, and now be wants it back.

So this might a ploy to see me again. For this reason, I asked for an address to which I could send it. The reply (from a family member) was that this was unacceptable, and that I owe him 'face time' for the purpose of closure. I'm not against the idea, except that the last time I tried to give him closure, he basically acted like a mountain gorilla CONTRARY TO WHAT MANY WP MEN SEEM TO THINK, acting like a mountain gorilla is frightening, disgusting, and embrasssing. Not hot.
I just want to return the damn thing in the mail, or toss it in the trash.
Really. Is that so wrong?

i'd insist that if he wants it back, he needs to give an address. you never owe anyone a reason why a relationship ends. anyone who suggests otherwise is a clod. many relationships end when one party just doesn't return calls or becomes too "busy" to make time for the other. this is just life and the other party needs to adjust.

i wouldn't toss the article. that might be a little too callous

One thing I don't get... What does "acting like a mountain gorilla" means?

Generally, yes, I'd say it's best to have a face to face conversation where you can give him back the present and explain some things. But this man already proved he doesn't respect boundaries and that he reacts pretty badly in this sort of situations... I mean, you've reached the point where you're scared to go to your house because of him.

I'm not sure if seeing him face to face will be helpful here. And if he's a fellow Aspie, I must say (and it breaks my heart to say it), he might see your wish to talk to him face to face as a sign there could be something going on between you two or that there's some hope for your relationship.

Maybe the best is to get the address to return the present and along the present, you send him a letter explaining certain things, but stating in absolutely serious words that you don't tolerate the sort of behaviour he's displayed (coming to your work, etc.) and that it's 100%, absolutely over between you two. Try not to insult him as a person but make it clear it's over.

I don't know what else to suggest.

AS or not, you got one of those situations where a restraining order should be mentioned to him if he doesn't stop. Maybe you could leave the item with a neutral person and then no one will have contact with the other.

You owe this man nothing, after his behavior. I would say get a neutral third party to return the gift for you, or else hire a messenger service to return it to him.

Thanks for the advice.
I do feel a certain measure of responsibility for the way things went down. I was oblivious to the idea that he was attached to me in any significant way; in fact, that's why I started to detach from him, in the first place. Also, we were friends first, so there's a bit of sadness and loss for me.

A coworker agreed to drop it off at the guy's workplace, this afternoon.

how was he acting at your workplace? did he yell or cry or...?

my former husband came to my work once when we broke up, way early in the relationship. he looked distressed and disheveled and slightly drunk. he was wearing an old button up-shirt. he asked to talk to me, i said no, he called out, "PLEASE, just for a minute!"

so i went out to talk to him. when i got out there, he ripped open his shirt (buttons flying off) to reveal a t-shirt with my picture printed on it. underneath the picture it said, "have you seen this girl? i lost her and want her back" (or something like that).

he was not prone to erratic behaviour, so this was shocking. but also extremely romantic.

my point is that your ex may think he is being romantic, making a last ditch attempt to win you back. he sounds desperate and sad. from your posts about him, he seemed inexperienced too, so he mighta gotten more attached than either of you intended.

i don't think you owe him anything.... except maybe returning the gift he gave you - it's not a requirement but it will help him to have closure and will give him less reasons to resent you. he'll be more likely to leave you alone. if you want to, you can meet up with him yourself, but that is up to you.

I had a co worker return the gift. He was behaving very badly at my workplace, aggressively, even, but althout he frightened some of my female staff I saw it as a tantrum that would pass. It seems that it has. I never felt that I was in any physical danger from him, but I've been a bad judge of my own peril in the past, so I left the decisions up to others. I'm glad I did. It seems like the worst is over.

Whatever else, no more contact with this guy.

I once demanded face time when someone dumped me by email. Same reasons as this guy was giving, get closure, etc. But I did so calmly and I did get the face time. I mostly meant to educate him that there was a classy and a less-classy way to break up, and that it never hurts to consider the other people's feelings, YA THINK?

But after your friend's actions, I'd be scared to do it. You should have someone else tell him that his behavior was scary, oh and here's your (gift object) back. Or maybe just mail it to him with a note that his behavior has become scary. That's all the closure YOU need.

Oh I see this is already done. Well handled.

You do not owe anyone "face time", particularly when you have concerns over your safety. If there is something he feels the need to tell you, there is no reason why he should have to do it in person, particularly with all of the alternative methods of communication today.