Dating, naiv, reading the mind of a guy

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Hi, I'm a woman in my 20:s. A couple of years ago I had a boyfriend who made me feel very disgusted. It has taken me nearly 2 years to pinpoint what made me uncomfortable. The thing was, I am pretty sure, that he was only in it for sex. I read a list on google the other day over red flags that a guy is only wanting to have sex with you. The two that catched my eyes were that he didn't want to simply cuddle - everything had to lead to sex - and also he just wanted to hang out at home and not go out on dates. I can't believe I was so naive for all the time the relationship lasted! I'm so ashamed.
Problem is, I'm still so naive! I literally cannot see if someone is manipulating me or lying, I have to put myself in a very vulnerable position, and when it comes to dating I think one should be extra careful, because a lot of people are in it with bad intentions. So now I am turning to you other women to ask for some tips and tricks?! What are the practical red flags to look for when you are an aspie? I desperatly need some practical rules.

Creating a happy relationship is another story, but I can weed out guys interested in sex only with 100% of accuracy.

Tell him about a problem you are having. If he is interested, tries to give you advice, looks at you with sypathy in his eyes and remembers about it the next time, this is very good. If he teases you about it, he probably sees you as an interesting girl but didn't make up his mind yet about his intention; or he could just see you as a friend. If he is trying to change a subject into telling you how much he likes you, turn round and walk away, there's no hope here.

If he tells you a complaiment, tease him about it. For example he says you have beautiful eyes, cover them with your hand (but leave small gaps to see his reaction) and ask what colour they are. Make sure you're doing it in a funny way though! If he thinks, you're funny, that's great. If he's getting upset, he's just interested into sex. Could be that you're not sure, he may be still laughing even though he's upset and we're not good in reading this subtle signals; then just take your time and see what is happening; if he's trying to pay you another compaliment, do the same. If he says: why you're behaving like that? I really like you; turn back and walk away. Don't worry about 'overdoing' it, the fact he's trying with another cheap (I mean obvious) complainments 10 minutes after you tease him about it, is certainly only interested in sex. Guys who like you will be more subtle.

Another thing would be if he wants to meet up with you 'now' because he likes you so much. Or if he suddenly starts talking about your connection.

So general rule is to tease him gently every time he's trying to let you know how much he is impressed with you. Could be that a guy who is using it as a pick up line because he thinks that's what he is supposed to do will decide he likes you after you do it. A guy who is just into sex will get upset.

Hmmm..giving multiple compliments doesn't mean he's just interested in sex. See if he wants to spend time with you and what sort of topics he brings up. See if he wants to introduce you to things that he likes. "Have you seen this movie?","No?", "You have to watch it with me!". Things like that.

The "Red Flags" are the same for Aspies and NTs.

1) He stresses out over minor events.

2) He calls you several times a day.

3) He expresses hostility toward your friends and family.

4) He tells you that you're the only one who understands him.

5) His childhood stories are full of abuse and violence.

6) He regularly drinks enough to pass out.

7) His voicemails become progressively more frantic and more frequent.

8) He insists on taking nude pictures of you.

9) He is drunk or stoned when he shows up for dates.

10) He blames others for his problems.

11) He is fixated on conspiracies.

12) His mood swings are frequent and severe.

13) He is physically or verbally abusive to you.

14) He monitors your movements.

15) He insists on knowing exactly where you are at all times.

16) He is vague and evasive about his past relationships.

17) He is vague and evasive about his work history.

18) He borrows money without ever paying it back.

19) He never goes within 100 yards of a school or playground.

20) He insists on knowing who you've been talking to and what was said.


That should do for now.

If I can get a word in between the helpful men who love to spread their wisdom in this sub forum, I'll let you in on a little secret, MsGreen:

The only reason men are interested in dating women is to have sex with them. Now I'm sure my post will be followed by posts from both genders saying that I'm jaded and that men can enjoy spending time with women in non-sexual relationships. This may be true, but if it's a dating relationship, then men want sex. If you think I'm wrong, do a search for the term "friendzoned," or if you are in a relationship with a man, stop having sex with him and watch how his behaviour to you changes.

Now I'm not saying sex is a bad thing and obviously women can enjoy it too. What I'm saying is that men are only interested in girlfriends who are interested in having sex with them. Friendship is great, but they have other men for that.

And the only reason women are interested in dating men is to have men buy things for them.

Yes, there are plenty of jaded stereotypes to go around ..

Last edited by Fnord on 15 Mar 2016, 9:34 am, edited 1 time in total.

I was going to say the same thing. It's not that I'm not interested in relationships, but I don't like to go out, and I do like to have sex. Cuddling leads to arousal, it's inevitable. Just get it out of the way like a normal human being and go on to the other stuff.

It's not a stereotype, Fnord. It is just the way it is. Spend a few years in a woman's shoes and you'll figure this out pretty fast.


I wish more people were this honest.

[Moderating]

Actually it IS a stereotype--and an over-generalization about a whole gender, which is a bad thing to do from both an ethical and an intellectual perspective.

This thread will not turn into another war of the sexes thread because additional exchanges of this kind will be removed.

If you have useful things to say to the OP that don't involve sweeping generalizations, carry on.

If you want to indicate that many men are only interested in dating relationships is the pursuit of sex, please say that without resort to hyperbole and false categorical statements.

[moderated, as promised]

Many men are only interested in dating relationships for the pursuit of sex.
That's the only reason men have ever been interested in dating me. But I guess, being an unethical and intellectually challenged person, that is the only thing I have to offer.

Last edited by Adamantium on 16 Mar 2016, 9:06 am, edited 2 times in total.: Removed off topic argument about moderation

I think OP meant: how to weed out guys who pretend they really like me and want something more just to have someone to have sex with
not: how to find a guy who want a sexless relationship

Fair enough. I get the distinction. But it is very hard to distinguish the two. I'm not sure there is any way to tell if the guy wants more than sex. It's kinda a crap shoot.

I have no problem with that, never had, even when I was younger but I always was a bit of a tom boy and liked hanging out with guys.

I have problems with recognizing whether a girl really wants to be my friend or just wants to borrow my money or something.

Have you maintained friendships with guys?

I had males friends when I was at the university (dominated by males). Some of them were coming to ask my about their love life problems, it was very sweet my ex partner was my good friend for 3 years before we got together and he didn't try to have sex with me during that time.

Neither of those friendship lasted for much longer after we left university but it's the same with all people, I can't connect with them outside the setting we met.

That's why I put some bought into my first post in this thread: Twenty Warning Signs. I hope it's helpful.