Things I have learned in life about being female

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*What I am about to say here comes from my own personal life experience and the messages I have gotten from other people. I am not saying I agree with these things, or think it should be this way. I'm just saying, this is how it is. And it's not that long ago that I finally figured out some of these things. If the world is different for you, that's wonderful, but bear in mind I live in the Southern US and things might be different where you live.



1. My body is not supposed to take up much space. My legs should be together at all times, if not crossed, and my arms should be pressed close to my sides or crossed. When I walk, I should walk carefully and look all around to make sure I don't get in anyone's way.

2. Men need a lot more space for their bodies when they sit or stand or walk around. They will need to sit with a wide stance or have their legs stretched out. I should never sit with a wide stance, because it might make me think I am whore, and it might take away from their precious leg room. They will also need more space than I do for their arms. If there is an armrest between us, they have the absolute right to use it and I don't.

3. When a man is sitting or standing close to me, the space around my body is really his. I should not expect to have any extra space around my body that is just mine. He can expand his body all the way out into that space, right up to the edge of my skin. He can even touch me if he wants. He can put his arm around me, or pat me or slap me on the back, grab at my clothing or stand so close I can feel his breath on my cheek as he is talking to me. There is no natural reason why I should expect anything different.

4. When a man is walking towards me, I must be ready to move out of the way quickly to let him pass. He needs more space than I do to walk. He might need to swing his arms wildly, or whirl around suddenly as he gets close to me. He may need to walk so fast that he can't slow down for anyone. He may not really be able to see me. I might get thrown off balance or injured if I am not prepared to move, especially if he is pushing a shopping cart.

5. When a man opens a door for me, I should always be appreciative of it, even if he blocks the doorway so much that I have to brush against his body to get through the door. After all he is just trying to be nice, like his mama taught him to be, and it would make me a real b***h if I didn't act grateful. He just needs a lot more space than I do to get through the door, so it's not like he's trying to get close to me so he can feel my body or anything.

6. The man who just made a big grand show of opening a door for me, may be completely oblivious to my physical presence a short time later when he needs extra space to walk, stand, or sit. I should just accept this especially since he was nice enough to hold the door open for me. After that I owe him for the gesture by allowing him to take all the space he needs.

7. All aspects of my body and appearance, including particularly my hairstyle, my skin tone and color, my weight and the size and shape of my body, are open to any and all comment or question from other people, accompanied by pointed staring or gestures to highlight the aspects they are most interested in.

(to be continued)

I think some of those things are also true in the Midwest, but I'm oblivious to many of them. Also I have a serious case of Resting Bytch Face, so men and women tend not to get in my way.

It is interesting how you have described being a female in spatial terms, and I like how you have explained other experiences of being female in those terms too. it also makes me think of being a female in intellectual space, social space, and public space.

also, I do not think the poster is actually saying that it's men's faults or that men are evil, as that idea would be severely short sighted. I think she is saying that it is the fault of a culmination of history, culture, and society, and we are all subjected to it regardless of our genders. The poster extended to us her internalized thoughts about being a female in society, and so assuming her intention without even reading what she wrote exemplifies her point.

Men taking up space like how she describes is exceedingly arrogant.

I, myself, don't like to be crowded in this way.

I wouldnt want to live life feeling like I'm being suffocated like that.

My family originated in the North Eastern USA, prerevolutionary, European descent. I was taught some similar cultural norms. Always sit with your legs together. Never chew gum. Never spit. Don't wear blue jeans. Never crack your knuckles. Your value is less than a male person. You serve the male. He has priority and gets the best for himself. You never talk back, especially not to your elders. Dont ever talk about what goes on inside your family.

Some of this falls into nice manners for anyone. Some, with respect to gender inequality, is strongly held by many people everywhere. The most glaring example is the way females are blamed in a situation when a single female is in an intimate relationship with a married man.
I've lived in several foreign countries where gender inequality is even worse than in the USA. Japan in particular.

That's a very sexist generalization. I'm a man and I like to sit with legs crossed. In fact, I'm sitting with my legs crossed right now.

I'm male from new zealand , I haven't seen most of those

One thing though is its very uncomfortable for a man to sit with his legs together meaning we take up more space sitting. also men are usually taller

But seeing women as inferior humans that must yield to men is utter BS.

I always thought the personal space invasion was related to my size, because other women do this too, being under 5'3 most people are taller than me. In crowded spaces I'm not in their eyeline and have often experienced being barged into/having my feet stomped on by accident. Men tend to walk at a faster pace and their momentum communicates to get out of their way!
I can relate to the shared armrest too, on principle I will also use it even if that means touching off someone else, besides my elbow 'is only small'

I just feel people should give each other space, period.

And they should be polite in public transportation. Leave space for the other person, even if it means giving up your seat.

People have had a hard day at work, and need to relax.

As the title says, these are the messages I've gotten about what it means to be female...for me personally, in my own life experiences in the place where I live. These are not messages about what "men" are like or what it means to be male...to the contrary, I've observed behavior from males that is quite different from what I am describing.

In my own family for instance, my relatives generally don't act that way towards women. My dad is so quick to stand aside or give up his seat that it can be annoying at times. I've seen many men go to that opposite extreme, being very deferential to give up their physical space to females. That might sound like a nice thing to do, and sometimes it really is, but sometimes it can be manipulative. Say for instance, the lady wanted to choose a different seat but now to be polite she has to take the one that was yielded to her.

Anyhow quite frequently I've noticed that a man will go from one extreme to the other and back again. For instance the same man who almost plowed me down in the grocery aisle will make a big show of standing aside to let me out the door first. I've learned that these behaviors are just two sides of the same coin. It is a way of treating women as separate, different, other.

The underlying attitude and belief here is not that women are inferior per se, but that women should submit to men. It's part of the religious culture here, and not everyone would say that they believe in it, even if their behavior speaks otherwise. But some will say outright that they believe it and quote bible verses to back it up.

As a short small man, big men often bump into me (without paying any attention), and do not consider my space in taxis/buses.
It can be a heightism thing too, I dunno. Are you small?

Some men just aren't very bright and go bumbling about running into things.

I am a very spatially oriented person, and very tactile-oriented, so I guess that's the primary way I perceive things and understand my place in the world so to speak. Plus the stereotypes of what is considered "male" and "female" are essentially focused on the size and shape of our bodies. So I feel kind of like the shape of my body and the way it is perceived determines how much space I have, and how I am allowed to use or navigate that space by the other people around me.




Well said, thank you.

I agree, lol.

Boo, I am 5'7", medium height, and just slightly overweight. I wear a size 14/16, which in American sizing is right on the threshold of plus size. I'm not small, and not quite big enough for any of this to be attributed to fat prejudice either. Not tall and not short either.

My boss expects the female employees to look nice at all times. Last time I heard about my dress sense it had filtered down from my boss, now, its my hair I am hearing about. My sister and some of my aunts are less subtle in their comments.
Most of the space related things you described I have only experienced in cities, and I think there might be cultural differences like you mentioned.

I live in the South too and it's not like that for me.

Here are the three important things.

Don't smoke while walking down the street. It looks trashy.

Cross your legs at the ankles not the knees.

Don't wear white before memorial day or after labor day. There is no such thing as winter white, that's a Yankee invention.

Roll TIDE to you and yours.