Figuring out Female Asperger's at 30

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Hi everyone. I hope I can condense this into something that's not overwhelming.

I've had what was called severe treatment resistant depression all my life. I had an undiagnosed episode when I was 12, and then was diagnosed when I was 16. Since I was 16 I have tried every treatment under the sun for the depression. And I mean things that you've never heard of. It's easier to talk in terms of what I haven't tried yet than what I have. The only thing I haven't done for it at this point is psychosurgery and a few assorted "me too" meds.

As the years went on, due to the treatment resistance, doctors and therapists started to diagnose me with other things because it seemed there was "more going on" and the depression treatments didn't work. I think I was diagnosed with Bipolar, Mood Disorder NOS, Anxiety, OCD, PTSD, BPD...I can't keep up with it all. But the diagnoses other than depression didn't seem to fit, especially the BPD - there were some aspects of it that were very true regarding emotional manipulation, but I am not impulsive or manipulative.

Maybe 4 years ago during a hospitalization I got an Asperger's diagnosis. I didn't take it incredibly seriously at the time for a lot of reasons. For one I thought it was just another diagnosis that was being thrown at me, most likely because I had the "nerve" to talk psychopharmacology with the docs and knew terms like Monoamine oxidase inhibitor, or pointing out that the drug I was taking in low doses actually blocked the presynaptic dopamine receptors. I was thinking they had never met a nerdy woman before. In addition, I had a "Tumblr" type friend who self diagnosed herself with autism and used it to brag and attract men (I have no idea how she pulled this off...) The final nail in the coffin was when I went to an Asperger's "specialist" and she said she didn't think it was a good fit. I moved past the Asperger's stuff and continued to try to treat the depression and deal with the other random diagnoses.

Another reason, and probably a common misconception with the whole gender thing, is that I'm pretty socially adept. I don't feel that way, and I feel as if it's a forced act, but I do go on "autopilot" and I feel that people in day to day life don't really pick up on anything. My old boss even went out of his way to tell me that I was the most emotionally intelligent person at that job.

However, recent things caused me to reevaluate the diagnosis. I kept hearing things from different people. For example, I met up with an old friend whose mother now works with autistic children. She told me that when she started working with them, she immediately thought of me due to my food pickiness. As a baby I had some eye contact issues (that I got over), I was hyperlexic, had dyscalculia (but found out later I was very good at any math not involving numbers), had some food restrictions that have continued strictly into adulthood, had "obsessions" that changed every year like dinosaurs and astronomy, spoke in a manner probably too formal for a kid, was constantly called (jokingly, but telling) overly literal by my dad, and called a "walking encyclopedia" by my classmates. Despite all this when I was younger, up until 2th grade, I had a bit of a "class clown" personality although I didn't always get humor right at that stage. I made friends with other "weirdos" and became more of a loner as I got older and less carefree.

These days, I have a lot of problems making friends and holding a job. It didn't matter where I lived or what I was doing. I graduated from college somehow but things went downhill from there. I read a quote on a women's Asperger's page that said: "For other autistic adults, depression and anxiety are seen as side effects of being autistic in a neurotypical world. " which really resonated with me. That I have been trying to treat the depression as a root cause that is causing my difficulties functioning, instead of being a "square peg in a round hole" and the depression being caused by me forcing myself to be "normal" my whole life, and failing.

As for how my symptoms manifest: I have been told that I'm judgmental and don't have flexible thinking, and see things in black and white. I'm not judgmental as in I say something rude to someone's face, but that I can't seem to accept people as readily as most people and I have a lot of "dealbreakers" in friendships and random things that make me so uncomfortable (like being a sports fan, or going to bars and drinking) about people that I couldn't see myself associating with them or being friends with them. I tried a few times to be more "accepting" but it wasn't fair to anyone. It's easier for me not to associate with people who make me uncomfortable. I am still told that I am literal, too detail oriented, nitpicking, etc. I recently was asked to not return to a Meetup I was going to due to "asking too many questions to the point where it's not fun anymore". Although I've been told I'm funny by those closest to me and I understand some forms of humor and why they should be funny, I don't actually find a lot of "funny" stuff to be funny. I have had a few issues with sarcasm but not so bad. I am very very sensitive and have difficulties making friends (although I don't know what to chalk this up to fully, because there have been periods where my issue was more keeping friends than making friends). I have a very strong sense of "justice" and it freaks me out to see other people treat me or others unfairly. Despite this I think 99% of people I interact with in a basic way, like at work, don't pick up on anything, but those who have been closer to me almost always pick up on these things or say little things that point to an autism spectrum diag, even jokingly. I have very serious identity issues due to this "Facade" I have maintained since I was a child and the breakdowns I have at home recovering from every day life. More recently too I am wondering if I am asexual, although I have been sexual in the past I have developed an extreme sexual aversion in the past few years(to the point where I look away from the TV due to feeling physically ill) and it has always been something I could live without. It has always confused me how much people talk about sex and drinking and that their social lives seem to center around it. When I watch sitcoms I feel like an alien anthropologist - why are these monkey things so obsessed with sex and alcohol? I have a few issues with needing things to be a certain way or feeling unstable - for example, I have been known to cancel plans with someone if plans change last minute or invites along someone I don't know. Or, for example I'll make a plan in my head to go to the post office, then to get a coffee, and get all messed up and derailed if the post office is closed to the point where I can be in tears from the frustration. That being said I am OK with things being open ended if that's agreed on to begin with.

Sorry if this is scattered. Does this stuff resonate with anyone? I just feel like I can't ignore it anymore. It keeps coming up, in "jokes", by internet strangers, my friend's mom...It may not be the "perfect" diagnosis, but I fit about 70-80% of the "female aspergers traits" you can find here, for example (willowhope.com/pages/aspergers-traits-in-girls). This fits better than a lot of the random psych diagnoses which needed to stack to account for all my symptoms.

I am not obviously able to tell you whether you have Asperger or not. It could be that people who made a diagnosis were wrong, but it could be you learn to cover up your traits so much that you don't even know who you are.

However I wonder how far people can go with this? As I was reading your post a girl who I know came to my mind. She's 36, going for every possible therapy that is available and nothing works. I never really knew her in a group so it's difficult to say how she's mixing in but in 1-2-1 interactions she seems happy and very cheerful, but she has problems with holding a job and she overspends. She's also getting obsessed with guys. She's complaining she's horribly unhappy but smiles.

I told her a couple of times she should try to work with people; that's the vibe she's sending... Although I am autistic and may be bad in picking up some other signals. And she's like: Yes, yes, maybe you're right... But recently told me she's been advised to go to group therapy and she's not sure as she's not good in groups, I was shocked as she project an image of someone who's good with people.

Oh, autistic females are apparently capable of making friends but have problems with keeping them.

Why don't you try to be 'more autistic' for a while and see if you feel better?

I'm not a qualified diagnostician. Can't diagnose anyone or confirm any diagnosis.

However, your words do in fact resonate greatly with my diagnosed self. So strongly I'd be inclined to say something like, "Welcome to the war," and suggest that you Google "autistic burnout."

It all resonates with me. Thanks for sharing. The tv thing in particular... a long time ago I went to theatre school. Im an excellent imitator/faker, but the further I pushed my art as i got older faking it wasn't good eniugh, I couldn't act like other people consistently cuz I couldn't even think like them! At the time I didn't have that clarity, but now everything makes sense.

That is also totally me running errands. To make matters worse I have another medical condition that makes it difficult for my body to regulate it's tempurature. The outside world is an awful place often. I fall apart from trying to complete my tasks while I am either sweating or shivering like I have a fever. Plus the sun in my eyes. Ugh!

Figuring out that I have asperger syndrome later in life (after so much failure and struggle) is frustrating. But I think that if I had been properly diagnosed as autistic as a child I would have hidden away and scraped by. But instead I was a socially awkward (but hot) weirdo with confidence! I pushed myself and developed confidence. I probably would be a very different person today if I was diagnosed young. Yeah, a proper diagnosis might have helped me avoid some past troubles, but I probably would have become a total hermit. Not knowing allowed me to grow I think

I can resonate almost perfectly with everything your saying, and judging by your age, on your stats, it seems you're a long way off of approaching thirty. So, whilst your diagnoses are under review, it could be worth trying out all manner of sensory explanations through non-judgemental analysis of the causes.

Hearing about depression makes me feel sad and overwrought, because its so serious and not everyone gets it.
Its not a flyby kind of thing, its very real and can leave you permanently written off everywhere.

I'd concentrate on tidying up any erosion or wreckage, unless its under wraps and not crying internally.
The wrath is of course, dealing with the consequences. The more wrath your up against, the harder it is to tune yourself back in the zone. People don't always get that meditation, is a recipe for cures against most ailments.
I've also learnt to block out all the noise. I also don't take no s**t from anyone anymore.