How do I stop unintentionally flirting with guys?

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I often unintentionally flirt with guys. I hate it. Especially since I actually have little to no attraction to guys it makes it worse for me. I think happens for several reasons.

1. Body language mirroring. I don’t typically have this issue, but it seems to be very bad with flirting. I tend to mirror flirty body language. I hate when this happens. Don’t know why this happens. I know guys place far more importance on my body language than anything I tell them.

2. I tend to communicate with humor. Mainly because I’m good at it, but also because it allows for a greater margin of error. It’s an easy way for me to somewhat socially succeed. I also tend to get passive and jokey when I feel socially clueless. This can be misinterpreted as flirting. I do this with girls as well, but no one ever mistakes it as flirting.

3. I overshare. This creates feelings of intimacy for guys. Trying to explain things about me can easily fall into this category.

Anyone?

Imqua wrote:

I often unintentionally flirt with guys. I hate it. Especially since I actually have little to no attraction to guys it makes it worse for me. I think happens for several reasons.

1. Body language mirroring. I don’t typically have this issue, but it seems to be very bad with flirting. I tend to mirror flirty body language. I hate when this happens. Don’t know why this happens. I know guys place far more importance on my body language than anything I tell them.


The vast majority of people are not consciously aware of body language, and guys more often haven't really got a clue actually, unless they have taken the time to learn about it, that is. Most guys are actually just checking out the your bits and pieces, sort of thing.

But the main feature of what you are describing is biological or physiological in nature, in that your body is just doing it's own thing ~ instinctually (automatically) going for the reproduction side of things. Paying attention to what your body postures and gestures are doing helps in that they become as such more measured, rather than so much just happening subconsciously. Be careful though just to pay attention to your body movements over time ~ as interrupting or restraining them can cause strain or result in glitchy movements.

Imqua wrote:

2. I tend to communicate with humor. Mainly because I’m good at it, but also because it allows for a greater margin of error. It’s an easy way for me to somewhat socially succeed. I also tend to get passive and jokey when I feel socially clueless. This can be misinterpreted as flirting. I do this with girls as well, but no one ever mistakes it as flirting.


The guys going for the flirt and the girls not is of course the biology thing, but pay attention to wrist and neck displays, adjusting one's hair and any thing that involves drawing attention to your body. Again this will and should take time before the physiological inclinations integrate with your psychological ones. The thing with the humour, maybe learn to tell a few bad jokes, or hard to get ones that need explaining, to tone the laughter down or stop it entirely perhaps?

Imqua wrote:

3. I overshare. This creates feelings of intimacy for guys. Trying to explain things about me can easily fall into this category.


I so so very much know what you mean here with the oversharing ~ and it creates feelings of intimacy for both guys and girls. I am for instance Femasculine (lesbian in a man's body session) ~ and have had guys and girls imagining I was opening up to them for romantic outcomes and all that. Very tricky indeed . . .

I have the same issues. Not sure what to do about it.

Unintentionally or subconsciously?

Generally speaking, it is often more socially acceptable for women to act in ways that border on flirting with one another. The same behaviour among males tends to be viewed differently and people are quick to assume romantic intention, whereas with women it is usually presumed that they are just close friends. Interestingly, the term bromance plays with this idea and makes fun of the close nature that can sometimes occur between two males.

Before Kristin Stewart came out as bisexual, various newspapers were quick to use the term "Gal pals" to describe any behaviour that she did that looked potentially romantic towards other women. As a result, among some circles the term is now used ironically or sarcastically in situations where there is more than likely some kind of romantic relationship going on between two women, but people still deny it.

Personally, unless I know that the woman I am speaking to isn't straight, I assume that any behaviour from her side that could be interpreted as flirtatious is probably accidental and unintended. Some women in platonic relationships refer to their friends as "girlfriends", end friendly messages with X's (kisses) and gently touch their friend's arms/shoulders. I know that chances are the woman I am interacting with is just being overly-friendly rather than seriously interested.



Yeah, I can relate to that. If I'm feeling out of place in a situation, I tend to use humour as a way to connect with others. Unfortunately, some guys do misinterpret this as flirtation and I am often quick in a friendship to make it clear that I am gay and not interested, usually by throwing in a quick casual comment about it early on. The only problem with this is that sometimes although they act fine with it at first, they may end up showing their true colours later on and claim that you were leading them on even though you made it very clear from the start that nothing was going to happen.

Sadly, some people will indeed only hear what they want to hear and refuse to take no for an answer. They might try and guilt-trip you into a relationship by using their own mental health problems as manipulation (e.g. saying things such as; I'm depressed and if you don't date me then that makes you a bad person) which can make for a rather difficult situation to navigate.

Usually I find in those situations that you have to stay firm, suggest they seek help from a professional, and slowly faze this person out of your life if you can. Granted, I'm no expert though.



Well, I've certainly been there. "You're not like the other girls, I can talk about my feelings with you and you just get it! We can talk about video games and our previous crushes on girls together, I want to be with someone like that...will you date me? Please, date me please, I usually find it so hard to connect with women!" ...and other such sentiments I have come across before, do make me cautious about oversharing so I get it. Before you ask, yes- that guy was being serious when he asked me that.

These days I only overshare if I've been friends for a long time with a guy, and I know that he's not the type to do anything like previous mentioned above. ^

I didn't consider that oversharing would make guys feel intimacy of that regard. I've come to see it as a way to build bonds of friendship, but only if the sharing is at least somewhat mutual.

I have said that I have the opposite of a "resting b***h face," so I'm generally smiling.
I also laugh easily, and usually at things others wouldn't even realize are funny.
So I've had people flirt at me and assume I was into them because I was smiling or laughing, when I was actually getting tired of their boorishness.
So I intentionally put on a hard, cold expression, even though I want to be polite, because I don't want their behavior encouraged. But then it comes across as neutral.

Are you perhaps gay or a political lesbian?

I'm gay, and I'm not a political lesbian.

Ok, thanks. Do you think that feminist professor Avital Ronell is a political lesbian?

It turns out that she raped her male student, even though she claimed being gay:

https://www.nytimes.com/2018/08/13/nyre ... essor.html

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article ... oment.html

http://www.foxnews.com/us/2018/08/14/wo ... -says.html

Quote (excerpt):

Unfortunately, within every community and cause in existence there are extremists. I have talked about this in a thread about gender equality. viewtopic.php?f=20&t=359820&start=30

Also, I mentioned in the "Separating The Artist From Their Creations" thread how we tend to be more lenient towards celebrities, and the same applies to other public figures (especially if they represent a certain viewpoint or message). viewtopic.php?t=366972

It may seem beyond understanding to many why specific individuals defend the actions of the guilty, but when someone is idolised considerably then their dedicated fans will often seek to maintain their biased views even if it means mocking or insulting others in the process. Now, I haven't heard of Avital Ronell before, but I take it that she had quite the following, am I correct?

There is an unfortunate double standard when it comes to the sexual harassment and rape of men, and I have pointed out how in TV shows and films it is not uncommon for childish men to end up with emotionally mature women but there would be outrage if the reverse was ever shown. viewtopic.php?t=366826

As for the reasoning behind why Avital identified herself as a lesbian, I suppose there are a few possibilities that I could speculate.

#1- Perhaps she identified this way as a strategy to get closer to men, you wouldn’t inherently suspect a woman who identifies as gay at first if they started to push boundaries. I have heard of men claiming to be gay so they can get physically closer to women, so the reverse probably happens as well.

#2- Some people do view identifying as a lesbian as a cultural or a political thing. It is not unheard of for some women that previously saw themselves as lesbians but end up in a long term relationship or marriage with a man to still identify as a lesbian because they enjoy being a part of the lesbian community. There is a considerable amount of biphobia in certain lesbian circles so I can understand the reluctance to use the bisexual label even though it is more accurate in those cases.

Of course, you also have a minority of straight women identifying as political lesbians because they think that dating men is oppressive. I’ll never fully comprehend that faulty logic.

#3- It’s possible that Avital is just a sadist who enjoys raping people for the sheer fact that it causes them misery/ makes them feel uncomfortable and that gender or a typical sense of attraction doesn’t factor into that.

Unfortunately this is very common for autistic women.

We tend to be polite and friendly and men will jump at the chance to misinterpret that as interest. And all those other social subtleties NTs use and we don't

I do struggle with it due to the flight, fight or freeze we experience when close to people. I struggle with how to control my behaviour

But having an overall aversion to men helps. Men make me sufficiently uncomfortable that I am stand-offish with them as far as possible.

Could you cultivate this?

On another note, when I find someone attractive I struggle to maintain eye contact with them. This is to hide my own attraction in part. Plus because their gaze is too intense

Other things you could try is deliberately not making eye contact or standing a certain distance away as a rule