porn (18+)

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Intellectually, I am ok with porn. Human sexuality is a complicated thing, too often shoe-horned (excuse the imagery) into societal constraints - which may include monogamy. I understand this. However, the knowledge that my husband looks at photographs of other naked women while masturbating causes me intense emotional pain. Anyone else in a similar situation?

Not me. I like it and will come over to "help" him, ha ha. But I am not making light of your pain. I understand this is horrible for monogamous women.

I've no problem with that, I do the same.

No, sorry but I've never understood why this upsets some people. I'd not want to actually see my boyfriend watching porn - caught an ex doing this once, it made me uncomfortable not knowing what to do - just like I'm sure my boyfriend wouldn't want to know what I'm fantasising about when I masturbate, but I have no problem with my boyfriend looking at porn.

Last edited by Bloodheart on 16 Jun 2011, 1:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I'm monogamous and I don't care if my boyfriend looks at porn. What difference does it make? I like seeing naked attractive people too, it doesn't mean I love or want to be with my S.O. any less.

If he allows me to write erotic stuff than I should be able to accept him using porn occasionally. If it was pictures of an acquaintance I would see a problem. My ex had porn that I viewed because I was curious but there was only one tape that actually looked like both actually enjoyed it, so I didn't really see it as much of a threat.

Try thinking of it this way-- at least he is looking at pictures of women he doesn't know and will never meet instead of cheating. If it bothers you because you have problems with the way you look, try to remember that obviously he loves you and wants to be with you, or he wouldn't be. Have you tried asking him why he likes it? Maybe it's just a way for him to get a little "strange" without being unfaithful.

If it makes you unhappy, then he shouldn't do it. It's a simple as that. If he can't respect that, then he's the one doing wrong, not you.
What you're feeling is a perfectly normal reaction. But of course not many people will tell you that because nowadays thinking that looking at another woman with lust is wrong or being anti-porn is not politicly correct.

It's not as simple as that. It's nothing to do with 'political correctness', lusting over other people and sexual fantasy is a normal and healthy part of human nature and sexuality. What she has to respect is that her partner is a human being and she has no right to force him to suppress his sexuality or human nature, nor can she have control over her partners thoughts, feelings, sexuality, and privacy - it doesn't mean he should be totally dismissive to her feelings, but she has to meet him half way. What she is feeling is normal, but how she feels is an issue she has, it does not make him wrong.

Thanks for the replies, everyone.

In response to the last one: I do not expect to gain or maintain control over my partner's feelings/sexuality, nor do I think my emotional response is a "problem" - jealousy is just as natural as sex drive. From my point of view, porn is detrimental to relationships, but I am not demanding anything of my husband.

Not trying to be pervvy here getting in on the woman's porn talk, but as a married man with a porn addiction and with an insecure wife, I feel I can provide a little perspective.

Firstly, what you are feeling is normal, and actually good. To me at least. I mean who doesn't want to feel like the sole object of desire of the person who you married? Thats a big deal. Thats a commitment. I believe monogamy to be "part of the contract" unless otherwise agreed to ahead of time. While looking at other people is not cheating in the strictest sense, it is if you feel it is. I don't care what business anyone wants to tell you about whats "normal" or "healthy". As human beings part of what sets us apart from other animals is our A)ability to reason and B) control our behaviors when required and adhere to some universal understanding of civilized behavior.

Now if you love that man (as Im sure you do) also try to understand there is likely one of three reasons that I can think of that he likes to do it despite your being hurt over it.

1. He is addicted. As with any addiction this is very, very hard to stop once you start. It probably was there long before he ever knew you. For those with a porn addiction, watching it almost becomes a separate thing from sex itself.

2. You guys aren't doing it enough. Easy to understand there. If his drive is higher than yours, he will need to fill it somewhere, somehow, and as was said it's better that way than actually doing it with someone else.

3. There are specific things he is scared to ask for/you wont do. If its scared to ask, he may want certain acts, role plays or costumes that he is too embarrassed to ask for. That can be scary if you think what you like will be rejected or viewed as perverted or weird. If it's you wont do certain things he likes, thats hard to resolve. If you expect to be the center of a mans sexual attention, you need to offer him the things he likes best. Im sure it's not much different for women.

I think the best thing to do is to discuss it with him when it's not a fight about it. Not when sexual things are happening, or if you've caught him in the act, but in a casual, calm setting. Start with simple question like asking why he likes it. Find out if there's something you can do differently that would make him want to watch it less, or maybe not at all. Try to really understand his motives for watching. Marriage is a long ride, and can go through less exciting times. These are typically the times Ive found myself slipping and watching it.

I know in my marriage frequency is often the reason I go to it. If things haven't happened in the time frame I want, then I do that. Its not as a substitute for my wife, or because I dont love or desire her. Not in the least. Just that when the urge hits, I have a hard time ignoring it without being an as*hole in general. I just become a straight up jerk unintentionally from the repression.

So after discussion, we came to an agreement. She gets first crack at it. If im in the mood, I ask, she says no, Im ok to go ahead and watch it if I want. And let me tell you, that understanding makes me want to do it even less because I know it hurts her and shes being so cool about it. Often we just end up delaying it until tomorrow, or coming up with another way for me to fill the need.

This may not be the case with you and your spouse. But talking it through is the point. Compromise.

Now the biggest issue is if he just has an addiction, you're on the same page with the whats and whens, and you have zero tolerance to him doing it. I am not sure how I would handle that if it were my situation to be honest.

In the end, it amounts to if you love each other you desire each other to be satisfied while still protecting one another's feelings.

I can relate to the original poster on this. In my own life I often find I can rationalize things from one perspective but on the other hand be emotionally devastated by them at the same time. It's hard for me to make sense of the rights and wrongs of these sorts of things, there's no rule book and different people seem to view it differently. It's sometimes as if the intellectual part and emotional part of me cannot reach a consensus and then choosing a correct course of action becomes difficult.
It's hard for me to define what is correct, justifiable etc. I often fear that my feelings are somehow out of line, that I am somehow wrong to have them. I am trying to come to terms with the idea that feelings do not need to be judged, they just are. I am allowed to have them, its how they are expressed that counts.
I am I will admit painfully insecure and the thought of my partner looking at other women drives me crazy, for me it reinforces all the 'Im not good enough' feelings I already have. Logically I love my partner, I want him to be happy but this is at odds with my own feelings of jealousy and insecurity.
I think that its important to work through it with your husband, try to find a solution that fits for both of you or at least some mutual understanding of what the issue means to the other. There is no clear right or wrong but if you can be honest about your feelings and open to hearing his, hopefully you can find a more comfortable way forward.

Bump of a necrothread, but hilarious video.

I didn't mind much if we watched porn together (I never did until I met him), but him doing it on his own, it's a deal breaker for me. If he does, as many claim they do anyway, he's good at hiding it...If I ever catch him again, he's out. Simple. Sorry, I do not think that doing such a thing when you love someone is respectful.

I don't understand this view on the subject . As the guy says above - it's surely immeasurably better that your partner is relieving himself watching porn than him going with another woman ! !! !??