Spendthrift Husband

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i had a arranged marriage around 15 years back. I have nothing much in common with my hubby. He is atheist i am believer, he is smoker/drinker i am teetotaller, he is non veg i am vegetarian. Ok but he gives me my space and freedom.

The main issue arises from him being a spendthrift. He spends a lot and doesnt listen. I am unable to hold job so i am dependent on him for household expense, child expense.

We are financially in a mess, we have to repay a bank loan. By end of month we dont have anything left in bank account. I sold some of my gold to buy him a car. so that he stops hiring taxis on daily basis for reaching office. He was hiring it for long distance travel to office when public transport is easily available.

He ended up putting our son in a uber expensive school and borrowed money from his boss to pay the fees. next three years we have to pay fees and we cannot afford he will have to keep borrowing money from his boss.

his job is not stable, the organisation he is working for his not doing well and they are just running without any profit. most of the employees left that job and he is only one working there. the boss starts new projects and when they dont get profits they quit it.

i am just in my late 30s i dont know how to stabilise my life. Anyone can guide

I sympathize with you because I too was married to a spendthrift who constantly compromised our ability to even pay our rent every month, and did it over luxuries rather than necessities. It was bad enough when I too had an income, but my income alone was not enough to be a safety net, and it was even more scary during a period when of necessity his income was our sole support and if he got homeless I got homeless. It was half a lifetime ago now, but I still feel for anyone in that situation.

The only thing I can recommend as a solution to anything like this, is to find work and make sure you are generating your own income so that your fate is not entirely tied to what your other half does to the finances.

But I do realize that the simple answer "find work" is easier said than done, by a long way. It's not that simple or easily achieved I know, especially if new qualifications thus a whole round of courses would be needed before even finding work, another set of expenses.

Is there any way you can take the first step, though, toward getting some kind of job, even part time? Or getting into some kind of class that might give you a qualification toward something that can become work?

Even taking the first step of what might not be an immediate solution may be the path to a better future. I know that sounds so easy to type and yet it's a huge mountain to climb, I know because it's hard for me too to stay on a road to making anything better for myself; I'm struggling with things of a different nature, but still I get the mountainous feeling of all that.

I also realize you may find pressure in your culture to stay with your husband and marriage -- but is there any way it could be acceptable or possible for you to end this marriage? Would you family give you help and support during such a proposition?

It seems that this marriage is not your best life to live, and although I know alternatives might not be acceptable to you or your extended family, I can't help wondering if there's any way you can make a fresh start.

i have lot of qualifications, degrees, courses right from montessory teachers to diploma in computers to drawing teacher course

but i am unable to hold jobs due to being bullied, ostracised, politics and i had severe bad childhood it gets too much for me and i become suicidal.

my mom is narcissist though she has loads of money she wont chip in and wont help she waits for opportunities to torture me.

i cant get out of this marriage and in our culture and society its not acceptable.

since you have been through what i have been through you can understand well.

how did you manage then??? did he improve??? were you able to save from your earnings????

I also had a spendthrift husband, but I was the main provider during our marriage. I divorced him when my younger child started college.

If you are both computer literate and have teaching credentials, why don't you try to find a job doing "on-line" teaching?

My sister has taught on-line courses, and there is very little human interaction.

What happened with me was that eventually I divorced him; the spendthrift problem was only one of many others we could not solve even with marriage counseling, I'm afraid. Getting out of the marriage was the best thing I could have done, and though it wasn't easy to go forward -- I also still loved him and had emotional grief to deal with -- I became stronger by going it alone. I hadn't actually lived alone before I ended my marriage, so it was new and frightening, but I knew I had no options. I realize though, that this wouldn't be acceptable in your culture, and so we have to find a different solution for you.

I also totally understand the difficulties you have with workplace bullying, ostracizing and politics; exactly the same used to happen to me too. My only option there was to become self employed in something that had minimal contact with others and lets me work mostly alone and under my own supervision. As the other person suggested, perhaps you could do online teaching?

I knew someone who taught her language as a second language to others -- she did it from home on her computer via Skype or similar, I believe she chose her own hours, etc.

Could you look into online possibilities for work, using your teaching and computer sciences education?

Ok
But in my country such opportunities are hard to find
I will keep looking anyways

You don't need to look for opportunities for online teaching only in your country; that is the beauty of the "worldwide net."
Please look for opportunities where English is spoken, as well.

I think i will manage the finances thats better and he isnt keen on talking to any financial planners.

Taking money from boss is not right way but he wont listen. I need to seriously focus on our financial goals
now

Maybe by next year i need to find some income source. Right now i am just struggling with my emotional issues
loneliness, politics by people around me, lack of understanding people around this all are keeping me weak

Since your culture is very similar to Middle Eastern cultures: I know that it would also be very culturally shameful if family knows that a man is being financially irresponsible toward his wife/kids and not being able to provide the basic family's financial needs.

When it's time to confront him about this (better in front of his family)....strike on this nerve (he is not able to be provider), your family would be on your side and his family would shame him, he would lose face and may feel very ashamed, this may make him reconsider his spending ways.

Another more extreme option:
I also guess (based on the similarity to my culture) that it's culturally acceptable for a wife to take children to live in her parental home as a protest against husband's behavior/actions, and stays there until he repents or corrects the causes of the conflict. When interrogated by both families why you're doing this, ....expose everything and strike on this nerve as well (he is unable to be a financial provider). Divorce would be even more acceptable if he does nothing.

My aunt did that and it worked very well (he stopped gambling and left his lazy dead-end non-productive job and went for a much lucrative trade); and even tho his family are so patriarchal, they couldn't say a word against her and most of his sisters/bros were on her side.

i have no support from my family my mom is narcissistic and brother is bully. i had once showed them all credit cards bills and bankruptcy but they blamed me and supported my hubby.

Is mother is aware of his spending habits but still she asked him to give them a big loan, his sister calls up when she needs money....that way they are looting us.

So overall i am trapped from all sides and cant do much.

We have a huge bank loan, his organisation is not doing well and we are somehow juggling stuff....but for how long.

Well, there's nothing you can do but to work.

But let's be realistic, you have no work experience and you have to be exceptionally fluent in English to be accepted as English teacher.
At 38 you will also face agesim in the job market.
It would be easier to work in online customer support, large companies always need new part timers for this, and I am sure there are a lot of big software/solution companies in India.

What does the Hindu law say about a husband not fulfilling his role? Does it give the wife the right of divorce in this case?