How long before people stopped pretending you were okay?

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My father realized when I was about 36. My mother probably when I was in my twenties. It's only been in the past three years that people in general can tell that I'm a little off from the neurotypical. People whom I pass on the street now either smile sympathetically or look away. This made me feel bad at first, but now I'm okay with it. It's more important to be comfortable with myself then comfortable with others' perception of me.

This one is actually for the women on the site (men start your own thread;) as I think that women can pass longer; for a couple of reasons: women are naturally more in tune with the needs of others, rather than self-expression, and because, for some reason that I don't understand, the healthcare community does not want to acknowledge that autism can be presented differently than from how men present.

I never tried hiding that I was not normal actually most of my life was fighting to tell people that I wasn't okay. They would make me feel awful then when I tried telling them that I don't think it's all my fault they wouldn't believe me. It's still that way today despite the diagnosis.

As an adult I'm actually trying to pretend I'm okay for the first time. It's horrible.

Strangers who pick up that I'm a little 'off' treat me as such. As for those closer to me, they still mostly pretend that I'm OK, which makes it much harder to ask for help or support. For example my mum thinks that when I say I'm autistic, I feel bad about myself, so she's all "oh no, don't say that, I think you're lovely"; you can be autistic and lovely lol...

My brother doesn't pretend that I'm NT, I probably like interacting with him best because I can almost be myself. He's very accepting of my diagnosis (he always used to say I was autistic anyway lol); our relationship hasn't really changed since we were kids. At work a lot of people treat me like I'm weird, but they don't adapt their interactions with me in light of it. In fairness I don't disclose. I only have one colleague who treats me like an aspie; he helps me out with understanding or communicating things when I need it etc., which is cool.

Pretending is like admitting that you are not okay the way you are. Some people still don't believe me (my stepmother; she has her own reasons,) but that's okay.
You don't need others to validate your experience.

From childhood people always knew I had something including other kids because I was weird and strange and "ret*d". I acted different than the norm and there were times when I did act "normal." In fact in 4th grade I had to keep telling my parents I wasn't normal and something was wrong with me but yet my mom contradicts it by saying she knew I had something and then saying "No one knew what was wrong with you, they only knew you had a language delay but couldn't figure anything else out" and also telling me she didn't know what was wrong with me when I asked her why didn't she tell me I had ADD and dyspraxia and stuff when I would ask what was wrong with me. I knew that time I had more going on than just my language and speech.

I don't tell people about my problems so I guess I am pretending to be okay. My mom and dad will say I am doing very good than most people especially my NT cousins. But I live with my parents and we spit the bills and I have help with my kids and I only work part time. Sometimes when I do talk about my problems, my mom will act like I am exaggerating by saying "Oh you are doing okay." Makes me want to shut up about myself and not share anything with her.

Scheesh; ie. what you are is ugly. Thanks Mom. My Mom says things like that too.


I knew there was something wrong with me about 5th grade. I remember that I still believed that people would help if I asked them, because that's what you're supposed to do. But when I did, people would say that I was fine.

I know right? I think it comes from a good place, but it's extremely unhelpful. The weird thing is she has a lot of empathy for aspies, she actually does language, play and outdoor therapy for children with developmental delays, including autism. When it comes to me though, it's another matter. I suppose that's guilt and denial though on her part: she doesn't want to think about how difficult I found childhood. Ironically that denial is preventing her from actually helping me now.

Nothing worse than when you finally make the effort to reach out for help, and everybody tells you you're 'fine'...

I'm 'okay'. Is that being used to mean neurotypical, in this question, though?

I'll assume so.

Strangers sense that something isn't quite 'right'. I see the looks and notice their behaviour being a bit 'off' towards me. I'm more aware of that since diagnosis, but I still can't tell you what it is that they see in me.

I guess, now, there are certain things that I do that would raise attention. I wear sunglasses more than is normal, I have a pair of earphones permanently around my neck, I am definitely not fashionable in any way. But I don't think it's that, necessarily. The looks and behaviours that I received had started before I relaxed and started to let my NT mask fall away a bit.

I would love to see me through their eyes, just for a short while, to understand how they tell and what I actually do that makes people feel that something's not right.

Other people? Anyone that I'm beginning to feel comfortable around usually makes a quick escape from acquaintance-turning-friend to 'stranger/acquaintance', so they clearly receive the same message even if they've tried to ignore it for a bit and get to know me. Very rarely, people have got past that and become friends, and they say they didn't know and would never have guessed, so I suppose a very rare few people must be oblivious.

As for my husband, he always knew that I responded in unusual ways. He was just nice enough not to criticise, though apparently it caused more friction than I was aware of. When I self-diagnosed he started to cut me some slack, but it was when I received the official diagnosis that things really changed in his eyes. Now, he's an amazing advocate providing/helping with accommodations for me and helping me to be mindful of my autism at times when I start to feel negative about how it's 'controlling' my behaviour.

My Mom is just the same. She is on the spectrum too, I think. Admitting there is something wrong with me is admitting there is something wrong with her; and she's not ready for that; I don't think she will be in her lifetime.

I would love to know too, this happens to me all the time. Before I knew I had autism it used to confuse the hell out of me, I thought maybe it was just because I was a teenager so I casually asked a couple of my friends 'hey, do strangers ever treat you like you have special needs?'. All I got were blank looks lol . Now I'm diagnosed I know it's something autism related, but I'm still very confused about what it is specifically that makes me stand out.

That's awesome. Sounds like a great guy to have in your corner.

How long before people stopped pretending you were okay?

I don't think anybody I've ever known, has ever pretended I was okay. My mothers (long story), my sisters, my friends..... If I was being weird, doing something stupid, or whatever, they would always tell me----sometimes, like with my friends and one of my mothers, they would even be tactful, about it.

Yup, my parents never thought that i was ok either. I think that they are surprised by how relatively normal my life has turned out to be.

This is exactly it. Odd looks and slightly patronising or sarcastic tones are common, but I just can't understand why as I feel like the conversation is relatively basic and I don't realise I'm doing anything out of the ordinary.

Perhaps I look like I'm trying too hard to get my words out, whilst I try to remember my script. I know sometimes I jump into conversations a bit quickly, because I need to say what I've planned and can forget the small talk at the beginning, but I don't always do this (as far as I know!). It's possible I pause too long between words and don't realise, or something. I wish I knew.

In particular there's a local fast food place that I go to relatively frequently. The staff members there seem to talk to me like I'm stupid. I notice it there more than elsewhere, because it's particularly bad. I believe I've also seen one member of staff there whispering about me, and using eye direction to point me out to her colleagues. When she's taking my order, she has quite a sneering look and tone. If this were a one-off maybe I'd think it was her issue, but it's just a more emphasised and obvious version of the behaviour I pick up elsewhere.

And all the while, all I think I've said is "Hi. Can I please get a chicken burger with a Fanta?".

I am trying to only care about my opinion's now. Every day is a new day right! I will get to a point where I can filter peoples opinions effectively.

It's usually women more than men that speak to me like this, for me the lady in the post office/shop by my house is the worst offender. I can walk in, pick up a stick of gum, take it to the counter to pay, and she treats me like a 5 year old. What could I possibly have done in that series of interactions that makes me seem weird? Somebody on WP suggested it was something to do with the eyes, maybe our eye contact is just unnatural in some way we can't control? I always worry it's something more obvious, like I've been talking to myself and not realised it lol, but something subtler like the eyes would make sense I guess.