Issues with physical intimacy

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I have been with a man that I love deeply (and am now engaged to) for 5.5 years and we have always struggled with the same issues - sexual intimacy and communication/opening up, both from my end. We have only recently talked about Asperger's Syndrome and after much research, I have self-identified and he is similarly convinced that I have at least some form of the syndrome. His primary love languagess are "physical touch" and "words of affirmation" so my lack of desire for sexual intimacy and my difficulties talking about and expressing my emotions and feelings means he feels unloved and undesired.

I'm posting here rather than in another forum because I would like a female perspective. Do others have a lack of physical desire for sexual contact? Most of the time I'm not fussed but i know I would miss it if I I didn't have it, and it means so much to my partner as a form of connection that I want to be more aware, engaged, interested and motivated. I want to make it my "special interest"! !

This is my first post and I know I'm not always good with words (hence my other issue with expressing my feelings) but if anyone has any similar issues and thoughts on how I can work towards a positive outcome, that would be really helpful.

I'm sorry to hear that you and your partner are having such issues. I don't have any advice from personal experience, but I'm sure there are others here who can share their perspective.

Have you thought about seeing a counsellor or therapist by yourself first, preferably one with some experience in autism?
It would help you with figuring out how to communicate better with your partner and also to understand why you have such difficulty opening up about your feelings and preferences especially around sexual intimacy.

You may also need to look into couples therapy after this initial work, as you and your partner navigate more constructive ways to approach the differences in your sexual outlook. For example, maybe you dislike certain techniques or sensations, so the two of you can compromise to try something else instead that you both like and that doesn't elicit any discomfort on your part. Or if there is a gap in sex drives, then negotiate some sort of middle ground so neither feels pressured or frustrated. Face to face conversations might be difficult, so writing well thought out and articulated letters or emails to each other can be useful as it allows you time to read, process and answer one another without the tension of emotions around this sensitive topic.

It is really important that you and your partner work all of this out way before any marriage takes place. Frustrations around sexual intimacy can escalate into a lot of long-term resentment and withdrawal on both sides.

Sometimes the differences are insurmountable and love realistically cannot fix everything. If the differences in sex drives and sexual preferences are too great, the long-term viability of the relationship may need to be reconsidered. This is nothing to be ashamed of and not a failing on either you or your partner's side! We all have our preferences and needs and there is no right or wrong.

Hopefully you and your partner will find healthy ways to compromise on these areas.
He may have to make adjustments in some aspects and you may need to find techniques that prompt you to communicate better or get you thinking about sex more often.