Not sure if I am in love with a male friend...

Post Reply New Topic

Long story short: I've known this guy for a couple of years and we've been friends and in contact for several months now. Then I started developing feelings for him and it took me a while to finally admit them to him, mainly because I was scared of ruining our friendship. Unfortunately, he turned me down because he had just started dating someone else when I told him (worst timing ever), I was pretty much heartbroken but we both agreed to remain friends.

Now, I want him to be happy in any which way it comes, but I can't deny my disappointment and lingering feelings. This isn't the first time I've fallen for someone who didn't feel the same, it keeps happening every. single. time. and it's driving me up the wall. I also have trust issues with men after my last relationship went to hell in a handbasket and right now he's the only guy I feel like I can trust not to hurt me. He's intelligent, insightful, enthusiastic, respectful towards women and pretty handsome to boot. He's also on the spectrum (Aspie) so there's a level of understanding and relatability involved.

I don't know if my feelings are simply a fondness for having found a "kindred spirit" so to speak or if I'm genuinely falling in love with him. It's easy to say that someone else will come along, but I kind of feel like he's a one-in-a-million sort.

Sorry for the wall of text, but I don't know what to do or think anymore. I wonder if someone has been through a similar situation and could help me.

Hey
I can very much relate... It is not easy... Emotions are a complexity no matter what spectrum you are on but in many ways for autistics/aspies it can be a bit of a minefield... No matter who you ask everyone has their own definition of love, attraction etc. Even though we may all experience things in a similar way it will always be different. Love is the most powerful and most destructive emotion. When things go the way you want it is like floating on cloud 9, when it doesn't it feels like you are in the pits of hell with the mind going ten to the dozen and the feelings of nausea etc...
You have already done what many people are incapable of doing, expressing ''unconditional' love. If you truly care for this individual, then all you will want is their happiness with or without you. Yes it is painful, but better allow their happiness and stay friends than destroy everything with jealousy and resentment...
I feel for you as in a similar boat. Didnt expect i would feel the way i do, but nature seems to think otherwise. All one can do is comfort and care in an unconditional way and MAYBE just maybe over time they will get to know you better and see the layers that are often hidden from people and things may change. Just never ''expect'' as that can lead to control and it will be finished before it has begun. all one can do is ride out the storm of emotions despite the feelings of ''insanity'' that is connected with such emotions.
Be the best friend you can be to them and try to let it flow as natural as you possibly can without too much thought on any expectation.

Take care.

I've found the sense of a kindred spirit with others on the spectrum, and wondered the same. I wonder if it's because I understand them more intuitively unlike most other people.

I have developed intense feelings about those people, but not romantic per se. It feels intimate because what we share in common is more personal.

I can't know about your personal circumstances and relationships, so it's hard to give meaningful advice. All I can say is cherish the person without expectations or agendas. Sorry I can't be more helpful, but I wish you the best. :

Long story short: I've known this guy for a couple of years and we've been friends and in contact for several months now.

Hello, sorry to hear about your unrequited love. It must feel terrible to possibly be in love with someone who does not feel the same way, and in the process risk losing friendship. How did you meet him? Was friendship established a couple of years ago when two of you met? What kind of contact did you establish with him after meeting him for the first time? Was it a real life contact, meeting and knowing him face to face or was it online? For the success in relationships, everything matters.

Then I started developing feelings for him and it took me a while to finally admit them to him, mainly because I was scared of ruining our friendship. Unfortunately, he turned me down because he had just started dating someone else when I told him (worst timing ever), I was pretty much heartbroken but we both agreed to remain friends.

Generally, letting the man declare his feelings first would assure no rejection for you. So if you waited until he expressed his romantic feelings or said something to you first, that would mean, he is demonstrating that he is interested in something, we just do not know what exactly until he backs it up consistently and respectfully in action. Words alone are sweet but not enough. Then you give him a chance if you like him. After he backs up his words with action, but not before.

The reason for this approach is that some men will be with you after you declare your romantic feelings first, not because they really are also feeling the same towards you, but because you offered and they do not mind to take your offer, only later to tell you, it was a matter of opportunity not out of their genuine interest. I am not advocating to never state romantic feelings, I am saying that you state your romantic feelings to someone who state his feelings first, and puts significant effort over and over again to show you in action, and not just words. That kind of man is basically telling you, I am worthy of you, I will prove it, and give you time to see it, because he knows he deserves your affection, admiration, loyalty and love. He knows that expecting immediate reciprocity with no action on his behalf, and no effort or proof whatsoever, is foolish and unreasonable. Thus he works hard to show you his love and admiration. If he does not do this, then it does not matter what he says. He is not acting on it, thus it becomes irrelevant.

In your case, he turned you down, which shows he is not romantically interested in you, he is interested in someone else, he said it directly and honestly. There might be a chance later on that he decides he would want to date you. I would decline. There are other guys who can't wait to date, show you they are seriously interested, ask you for your number, call you on the phone first, and ask you for a romantic date, they are a better match.

Now, I want him to be happy in any which way it comes, but I can't deny my disappointment and lingering feelings. This isn't the first time I've fallen for someone who didn't feel the same, it keeps happening every. single. time. and it's driving me up the wall.

It is kind of you to want him to be happy. That is very nice of you. However, he isn't an injured party, you are. I would suggest more love for yourself, and not to overestimate potential partners. If he was so special he would not reject you. Whatever you think of your potential partners cut in 1/2. It looks like you are overestimating them. Your picture of them need to be more realistic. Reality that you were incorrect about him is what causes disappointment. So in the process you hurt yourself on your own by your own thoughts and beliefs. Maybe you can try to examine why do you psychologically need to be disappointed and hurt? You may not be aware of it, but life gives you opportunities such as this one to see it, be aware, and change something because your love and relationship strategies do not bring you what you are looking for.

It's easy to say that someone else will come along, but I kind of feel like he's a one-in-a-million sort.

You see, here is where you believe in something that is simply not true. How could a man who would rather date someone else instead of you be a one-in-a-million sort? I would not ever want someone who does not want me. And so I wish you a lovely day! I hope this helps and good luck.

I totally understand. I've been there a couple of times with that kindred spirit feeling and feeling that I'll never find that kind of understanding and connection again.

It takes time to move on. Your feelings won't go away over night.

I always seem to tell the man I like him just when he's started a relationship with someone else and I didn't realise until he told me. Im like the Disney rated version of Good Luck Chuck. As soon as I start having feelings for someone, he meets the one, and the one ain't me.

Still I'd rather know how he felt and move on than always wonder.

Lagoona Blues I think its terrible advice though, to say that women shouldn't tell men how they feel in case they get rejected. I know women who have been successful because the man felt the same way. And even if he says no, then at least you are not left wondering what if? It's terribly sexist to say that a man will probably just say yes because the woman is there and willing to date him. Men have feelings too.

I read this on Quora today. You might find it helpful
https://www.quora.com/How-do-I-let-someone-go-that-I-care-very-deeply-for

Don't feel too bad. Women who ask I have every respect for, it takes courage for anyone to ask.

What you have is feeling for him which are natrual consequence to being close, possibly the idea of a relationship with him, however only you can answer that.

I tend to think of love as more of a creative process between two people, which takes effort. Chemistry is must, I think of it as a n active process not something ordained. I don't think that is any less romantic.