How important is appearance to you romantically and why?

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How important is appearance to you romantically and why?
I find the idea of being romantically attracted to a man based on his looks as a folly, I mean its pot luck, he could look great but its his personality that you have to live with.
Women on the spectrum find the social side of life challenging, Ive read women say that it takes so much of their energy to be social, to me it makes sense to prioritise the personality of a man/woman/potential partner.
Im beginning to think that my perspective is a bit odd, just wondering if anyone can relate?

I generally fall for shared interests and disinterests, sense of humor, etc. first. Once I've fallen for that, I tend to romanticize their appearance- I won't notice physical flaws so much or I'll think they're kind of cute, and I'll really notice the attractive things about their appearance. I've noticed others (both male and female) do the same.

agreed with betwixt.

I didn't fall in love with my Husbands appearance. I fell in love with his mind. He's almost a clever as me
We have been happily married for 25 years. He is still one of the smartest people I have ever met and he never gets boring. We never run out of things to talk about. How can looks compare to that.

Good to know Im not alone, I cant understand many of the posts I read in L&D, this online dating trend is causing people to focus even more on the superficial or appearances, seems risky for a person on the spectrum. Im the same age as you Betwix I wonder if its a generational thing or life experiences, but I can really relate to your post also.
BunnyB I like your perspective, your right, looks cant compare, they fade but the mind keeps on growing.

Is it possible to fall for someone based on their personality or mind without knowing what they look like?

For me romantic attraction and hmm... aesthetic? attraction go hand in hand. I'm panromantic, in the past I was attracted to really varied people, men, women, one trans-guy... I don't think I'm attracted to conventional beauty as I tend to go for androgynous types, skinny, not very curvy and I like playing with hair, so hair is a bonus
I like bony and veiny arms, prominent collarbones... so yes, certain features catch my eye but it's not about "good looks" if you know what I mean. People of any gender or age can have those features.

There were two people whom I was fascinated with without paying much attention to how they looked - 2 older, female uni professors, who were so incredibly charismatic and knowledgeable I couldn't get them out of my head for a long time. One also had cute dangling, cherry earrings and a squirrel hair clip... I was melting away... It was all purely platonic, I was hypnotized

what does that even mean, romantically attracted?
i dislike romantically, even or specially things like candlelight dinner, so unsubtile and pressuring
blaaagghh
infatuation happens, why cover it in candyfloss?
it's the mind, yeah why not, but a healthy body is necessairy

^It's an emotional attraction to someone you would like to be closer to and intimate with. For me it's not so much the tv version of romance, more so the desire to be close (mind-body) to the persons in everyday/routine things.

Random fox I know what you mean, if I'm attracted to a man I notice little details about his appearance, like freckles or hair to play with and then the attraction snowballs as I notice more things.

interesting m i n d

kind h e a r t

interest in music

interest in creating/building things

interest in exploring and discovering

physical appearance becomes beautiful to me, by virtue of the mind and heart

hi amity, btw

There's a theory that the imprint of the kind of future partner we will find most attractive in adulthood is formed at a very early age, and operates afterward at a subconscious level. Personally I tend to believe that. I have known many good looking men, though relatively few of them were romantically attractive to me. The man I was most attracted to was probably not the best looking objectively speaking, though his hands, his voice, his sense of humour, intelligence and (not the least) wonderful natural scent were like magnets to me. I never tired of him, because he inspired me with delight. And maybe that's the most important thing - that the other person can inspire us with delight by their presence, not their looks. Looks fade over time (don't I know it!). Character and charm might last longer.

yeah whatever, that's all neurotypical
romanticizing makes it all more dangerous for falling under a charm

generally one'll like someone who looks like the parent one 'partnered' with, or sometimes the exact opposit
in some regard that's un-fine, esp when you bind that with a mastership /authority over you, this can happen maybe even more if you had not much peer-relationship experience

downdating (younger, less brainy(less academically educated), do i see the malemind appear?) could in that regard be benificial, less dependency esp as person with no concient utilisable manipulating skills and it would minimize powerplays as there are different skills to share

Sorry for the delayed response… life work etc.
Traven I think I understand what you mean, though I think the word downdating is a more crude typical concept than I care for.

Hi Britte

Thanks for your reply B19, it got me thinking. Its possible that my subconscious influences what I find attractive, though I think in a less negative way after facing up to realities, making life changes and prioritising personal growth/what is best for me.
Maybe this has been a theory of mind piece on my part… people who have had a relatively typical/healthy life experience (low exposure to trauma etc) might not need to be as concerned about their subconscious influence on who they are attracted to and as such can prioritise physical attraction, amongst other things of course.
Its just a different reality.

I'd be lying if I said that physical attractiveness isn't a factor for my preferences. Still, I don't have super high standards when it comes to what I find physically attractive in someone. I am picky about personality, though. Someone could be a swimsuit model and I would be repulsed if they were really boring or callous or shallow.

For example, I don't understand why so many women are attracted to George Clooney. I don't get it. Even in his earlier years, I don't see the appeal. In fact I don't see why I should be impressed by celebrities in general. They're just people. I'm sure many of them are nice but most people are just attracted to their looks and their money. I ain't no goldigger and I messin' with some broke.

Well I don't think I would have wanted to form an romantic/intimate relationship with someone I don't find at all physically attractive. Of course their actual personality is very important as well...like if I found a guy to be attractive and then it turns out he has a nasty personality that would decrease his over all attractiveness.


But yeah as for people I get on well with but have no physical attraction to really, there would be potential for friendship but not a relationship. Of course its not something I think about all that much anymore since I am in a LTR with my boyfriend and so I am not looking at people as potential relationship partners anymore.

It matters very little to me if at all. Confidence is an asset tho, because it shows they have confidence in their love of me and our relationship. I used to be more into appearance, but that was just me liking people that looked like certain people I liked because of their confidence and morals.

Eh,

For me it matters to only the pure basic extent.
They need to have good hygenie and smell decent enough to be able to walk out the door with.

I don't generally focus on appearance other wise but rather common interests and emotions.
If there's something that we have both a lot in common with and their not emotionally abusive or bossy then it's something I will generally think about entering a relationship with.

I guess you might say that rather than looking at someone at face value, I give them a series of reasonable tests to see if they can pass through all the hoops.

None of them have been able to, so maybe that's not the best way to judge someone when being romantically involved.