Why do we hold on to hurt?

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My niece from California gave me a phone call because she was distraught. She's twenty-five, aspie, and dated this same guy only three times. She kept on telling me that she felt this feeling of dread that he was going to send her the "dump" text of which he did. (It was pages long!! !) BUT after this, she told me all the bad things about her three dates. Why in the world did she have to get dumped to realize this guy was a bad egg? She should have been dumping him. Do any aspies here go through this sort of scenario? This guy thought it was funny to kiss her bottom when she dropped something. Referred to her as a "little b*tch" jokingly. Did not offer her any snacks at the movies. He drank her beverages even though he had his own. He also excessively talked about his old girlfriend who dumped him. She went out three times with him for this bullsh*t. He also talked about anal play!! ! WTF!! ! BUT THE REAL QUESTION IS, WHY DID SHE REALIZE HOW BAD HE WAS AFTER HE DUMPED "HER"??? In other words, was she willing to take punishment just to hold on to a guy?? How sad. If anyone knows how I can help her, please let me know. I'm doing my best but maybe somebody knows a better way. please help.

Why do we hold on to hurt? In general, I believe we do because it is familiar. Choosing the known instead of the unknown and the related challenges that come with the unfamiliar.

I agree with most of the replies in the L&D version, so am mindful of not repeating the same things.
Does your niece have male relatives or a family friend she knows very well, who could serve as an example/benchmark for what is acceptable as the minimum standard in a suitor?

As a contrast some red flag awareness is needed, but I think the outcomes of accepting abusive boyfriends needs to be in a concrete practical form. Every day relatable situations, where being taken for granted in a way that causes harm is obvious, not just the extremes.

Another area for work is her self image and self esteem, words will only go so far, again concrete experiences to have as a contrast to recognise when something is harmful to her self image. Overcoming physical obstacles like in mountain hiking or tag rugby worked well for me.

Its also helped me to reflect on the messages my body is sending me, as identifying how I feel emotionally in a situation can be a challenge.
I have to actively observe physical tensions or warmth/lightness to get clues to start identifying how I feel at times.

My mum bought me a helpful book Safety Skills for Asperger Women by Liane Holliday Willey which was helpful,

https://www.bookdepository.com/Safety-S ... 123&sr=1-1

Thanks
I will place an order.

Is your niece on the spectrum?

A book is a great place to start!

Safety is certainly a huge issue for people on the spectrum. Many of us get caught in bad relationships.

I think some of the problem is that we aren’t always taught this sort of stuff because our parents assumed it was obvious or common knowledge. If we don’t have a lot (or any) close friendships, we won’t have an opportunity of even learning from our peers (not that they always have healthy relationships).

Looking back at this point in my life, I’m shocked by my naïveté and by what I didn’t know.

I think this is an area deserving of large scale studies and research. More time needs to be spent at school discussing safety concerns since parents don’t always do it, especially for students who could be considered (by their diagnoses or teachers’ observations) as being at a higher risk.

Some ideas:

We need very specific examples of behavior that is or isn’t okay in a relationship.

We need to know what the cycle of abuse looks like, so we don’t get caught up in that vicious cycle of abuse, apology, abuse, apology, ad infinitum.

We need to have a firm understanding of what is or isn’t okay in a sexual relationship (so an abuser doesn’t work the “grey” areas of consent or even thinks he can get away with going beyond that).

"So often-times it happens that we live our lives in chains, and we never even know we have the key." -- from "Already Gone", written by Robert A. Strandlund and Jack Tempchin, and performed by The Eagles.

Very true!

I think we just need to teach our kids where to locate these keys and that it’s okay to do so.

Things can get muddy when a person’s feelings are still involved (maybe they still love the person or maybe they are afraid of being alone). By setting up a system of rules based on knowledge, it can help take some of those conflicting feelings out of the equation.

I know I was completely oblivious to abuse, especially facing regular physical abuse in school. I assumed that abuse was just like that: when someone attacks you and you can't overpower them or threatens you to kill you while holding a knife and never realized that gaslighting, deliberately ruining your evening, throwing things close to your head, controlling who you spend time with was not a part of a normal relationship. I literally just assumed that's what women did just like I am sure many in the above example are conditioned to believe that men are sex craved pigs and you just need to deal with it.

I actually started to wake up when a group of women at work who have been through this pulled me aside and told me that (GF's) behavior is not normal and healthy relationships don't involve constant yelling and screaming, I deserved better and most importantly it wasn't my fault she had those rage-fuelled outbursts. It still took a long time to fully understand this as I continue to try to make it work with women who were emotionally cruel under the guise of 'sarcasm'. I also had to let a female friend go because she kept dating the same losers over and over again and couldn't seem to heed me telling her that real men don't manipulate women like that.

Subconscious

Self righteous

"Why". There's no way to find the answer

Correlation versus causation


Some articles claim that humans have a bias towards the negatives


State dependent memory

Survival involves avoiding or minimizing things that "hurt" you


Having said that, anyone could correctly claim that anything "hurt" them

Everything :

"Helps"
"Hurts"
Both
Neither


Drama queens and kings act like they don't expect anything to ever "hurt" them



Just because they are not happy doesn't mean that someone violated their stupidass "rights"

[opinion=mine]

Generally speaking, I think some people identify so much with being victims that they cannot conceive of any other role to play, and that if they were to let go of past hurts they would not only lose their identities, but they would lose their reason for socializing (albeit with chronic complaints that drive other people away), and thus all of the attention they receive from complaining over and over again about what happened to them years ago.

[/opinion]

I *think* it's when that person only has that knowledge and experience of an abusive type of partner, and doesn't have the evidence for themselves that better options exist out there. As in, they don't believe a non-abusive type of partner exists because they haven't ever experienced it. Experiencing is believing.

"Learned Hopelessness" ... someone started a thread on that, somewhere ...

Is that the same topic? I'm thinking the abused in a relationship doesn't necessarily feel hopeless.

Or they might not realize that what is happening is even abuse.

Sometimes we see or hear of instances of horrific domestic violence on TV (news, movies, crime shows, etc.) and then think that whatever we’re experiencing isn’t that bad because we don’t have broken bones, black eyes, or whatever the other stereotypes are.

Anger is the strongest emotion I tend to feel, along with despair. I think toxic relationships are good at provoking such things. And sometimes our self worth sucks.

I personally have a difficult time with forgiveness and acceptance.

Pretty much what I was told growing up by authority figures. Unless they break bones or give black eyes its not assault its just boys (and girls) being boys even if it was 8 on 1. Because of that it took me a while to realize I was sexually assaulted once because it didn't even register with me because I just assumed that was when a strong man overpowered a helpless woman and nothing else.