Autistic traits and being female

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when my son was diagnosed, I recognized many traits of asd in myself. I always felt different (and, sadly, mostly "less than" others).

After my son was diagnosed, I learned the signs of Asd and queried about the possibility of my having it. Most dismissed my concerns (after all, I'm married, work full time in the helping profession and have lived independently).

Even on Wrong Planet - I had my concerns dismissed by others on the spectrum.

Fast forward to now - I'm reading more about the subtlety of asd in females and how girls on the spectrum can be "invisible". I find myself highlighting many, many traits on lists that girls and women in the spectrum share.

It feels weird though - knowing that my neurology is different allows me to forgive myself for being odd and allows me to forgive others for not understanding me - and sometimes being cruel.

On the other hand - I wonder how my life would be different if I had a little help with socializing, executive function and emotional regulation when I was a child/teen.

What are the experiences of other women on the spectrum who sorta "pass" neurotypical.

I think you're probably right in that we "pass" better, even if we feel out of place. I was always a bit of an outsider at school and didn't begin to really show any social problems until about age 15. I think I'd always managed to fake it quite well up to that point, even if I didn't realise that's what I was doing!

I get what you're saying though. Our own ability to pass as NT hindered any help we could have got when we were younger. When I first went to seek medical help I had no idea what autism was and was misdiagnosed. It wasn't until my 20s that ASD was even mentioned. I'm convinced that if I had been diagnosed properly in the first place I wouldn't have had to repeat a year of school.

I didn't really know anything about Asperger's----I had HEARD of it, but..... My psychiatrist, whom I was seeing for medicinal therapy for an ADHD med, suggested that I had it----so, I came-home and researched it. The "not being good, socially", stopped me in-my-tracks, and I thought: "That's not ME!!", so I dismissed Asperger's, as-a-whole, because of that----meanwhile, ironically, the psychiatrist had suggested it, after the umpteenth time that I said I couldn't get-along, with anybody!! LOL

I've always felt that it's quite possible that the reason most girls go "undetected", is because we're raised, differently----especially, maybe, in MY generation. Little girls, back-in-the-day, were raised to be "hosts" (having dinner parties and such), and to be caregivers, etc.----and, we were MADE to do / learn.

I don't do too badly, now, I think----but, Heavens' knows I'm not without my social faux pas----but, I just keep learnin' / observin', and pluggin'-along, at it.....

I'm so sorry, OP, that you're feeling so lonely (your Haven thread). I can certainly understand why you WOULD feel that way, though----it's just that "it takes one, to know one"; and, you've come-back to the right place.

I'm also sorry that you had your concerns, dismissed, here, on WP. It's sorta difficult to judge from what someone writes----I mean, nobody knows IF or how many times someone has deleted and re-written, or previewed and re-written, and so-forth (it has, sometimes, taken me HOURS to write a post); they're just going-by your post looking alright, once you're finally finished and submitted it.

Here's hoping that THIS time, you'll have better luck / support, here..... Get a copy of Tony Atwood's book, "The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome" (if you don't already have it)..... Keep posting, here, 'til someone "hears" you----and, try to keep your chin, up.

Take care,

Cat

I don't believe girls are always all that subtle, I just believed they are perceived differently due to sex bias in which a person can perceive the same action/behavior and interpret it differently depending on the sex of the person.

Since you are 47, you would not have been diagnosed when you are a child unless you had Kanner (classical) autism. Regardless, you would have received no help with social skills. In the 1960s and 70s there were few services for those with any form of autism, other than institutionalization. I believe a therapy called ABA was popular at one point though has since fallen out of favor.

In the 80s, things would have been a little different. You would have received no help with social skills but you may have been used as a guinea pig on which psychiatrists would have tested various new psychiatric medications in an attempt to destroy the person you are and replace you with something sufficiently acceptable as normal.

To receive any help with social skills, you would have had to have been born in the mid to late 90s, and be a boy, even then, social skills programs may have been lacking, and the focus would still be on controlling your behavior.

When I was a child, in the 80s, everyone noted my lack of social skills, however they did not know how to remedy this because socialization was second nature to them, and they could not deconstruct the steps for me. For example, on the subject of making friends, one of my counselors would say "Go up and say 'Hi, my name is (name), what's your name?'" But children generally don't start relationships like this. In fact, neither do adults. Children typically go up to another child and say "What are you playing?" or "Can I play?"

But that's just asking if one wants to dance. Knowing and executing the actual steps at the right time is a different story.

My experiences are exactly the same. I wonder how my life might have been different if I had taken the initiative as a young person to do many of the everyday things I only began to do about five years ago. What would a "normal" me have been like at almost 53? I have made great strides, but I still have a long way to go just to be considered "average" for someone far younger (20s-30s) than myself. The only area in which I have more than most people is education and that is really considered unimportant now.

I can't blame anyone but myself for my lack of progress. Autism wasn't diagnosed when I was going to school unless it was severe and I didn't see anybody with autism in those days.

I agree Very much. I have many male family members with asd, and never thought I could be - I had friends to some extent. Then I read something about how it presents in women last year and it was like a light bulb went on. It is me!! ! I was seen as very shy at school and I was a perfectionist so got on academically. The chronic anxiety I suffered ever since I can remember was just another thing I hid. I tried to fit and be like the other girls. So much of my history, all my years...I feel like I am rereading my past with these asd clarity specs on! And yes, finally being able to forgive myself. I was never wrong. I just have asd.

I always had trouble "getting along" with others at school, and of course I was blamed and punished for it, even when I was being bullied and suffered violence from other students.

As an adult, I found that people liked me well enough when they first met me, but soon got tired of me. Also, even if someone became close to me, in a romantic sense or just as a friend, as soon as someone else came along, I was discarded like a piece of dirty garbage in favour of that second person, and I wasn't even given a second thought. I knew I didn't deserve that treatment, and I had no idea why it happened, but part of me always wondered whether I maybe wasn't as nice as I thought I was, and others somehow picked up on that, even though I wasn't aware of it.

Professionally, even though I am very intelligent and capable at what I do, and more capable than most others, I have been picked on, had my work stolen, and ultimately been dismissed for questionable reasons. This has just happened to me yet again, and I don't think I can recover this time. Not only is my career in tatters, but I just don't think I can keep being among people who will just end up trying to destroy me, so I can't bring myself to even apply for another position.

I'm pretty sure my dad is an aspie too, but it seems like there is a niche in society for nerdy men, in which they can easily find a female partner. My mom tells me that my dad was very popular with the ladies way back when and even now in his advanced years, he has rarely been alone and he has been with his current partner for several years. On the other hand, given that I am reasonably good-looking and have a fit physique, one would think that I would be attractive to at least some men, but they tend to do whatever they can to get away from me. I used to think they were intimidated by my intelligence, but now I realize they simply find me weird.

The way others treat me is as if they either think I am some sort of robot without emotions, or they realize I have emotions but they just dont think they are important at all. The only time anyone will approach me is if they need something from me, and of course I am so desperate to even talk to someone, I fall all over myself to do what they want. I get no thanks or recognition of course, and later I find out that one particular person I was so generous with has been saying awful things about me behind my back and is a big reason I have now lost my career. How did I not see that? Even though I now have a diagnosis, I don't think I'll be able to forgive myself for being walked all over yet again.

Hi there. My experiences are a bit different from yours. I did well academically, but I've never been able to work full-time for very long. I've also never lived completely independently.

Still, I was able to "pass" for so long (until age 29 when officially diagnosed) because I was pretty quiet and did well academically. I fit the "nerd" stereotype.

In fairly simple social settings, where everything is calm and base-line, I do okay -- especially if someone is there to lead and direct with social cues that I can follow. In situations where there is conflict, or lots of multi-tasking and unexpected change, I'm a wreck.

Right now, I'm a stay-at-home wife. My husband adores me despite (sometimes because of) my quirks. In the past, I've done substitute teaching (primarily Special Ed because those classrooms have more social support) and direct support work (helping special needs people, again, except in their own homes instead of classrooms). I had both lots of successes and lots of failures in those jobs. Sadly, the failures added up, and I'm done with employment now.

Husband thinks I can succeed as a mother. We plan on having a child next year.

Also, I've decided to volunteer at the local animal society. This is something productive I can do with my extra free time.

In the meantime, I enjoy housekeeping, keeping the house stocked with groceries, running errands, going places with my spouse (restaurants, parks, the health club), going to (and helping out at) church, reading, and some other things.

I guess I "manage." I'm not considered a "worldly success," but that isn't important in my faith, anyway. I adore and help my spouse, and he does the same for me.

I have pretty much concluded my wife is on the spectrum somewhere and given how long it took me to say that I think it says a lot about how females can 'pass' better than us males. It also runs in her family and her cousin's children have all been diagnosed with Autism. The first thing that is noticeable is how someone who is downright gorgeous as my wife was single for so long: she has the kind of beauty that men drool over yet only had one serious relationship before me. When we first started dating she seemed completely, utterly disinterested but it turns out she was anything but. I took a gamble that she was interested (knowing all about how I can present the wrong way at times) and the rest is history. She tries but it's obvious she has little interest in things outside her own special interests.

Since we are married we obviously live in the same house and spent a lot of time together. She is the most calm and unemotional person I have ever met but have noticed she cannot stand surprises, unexpected guests or noise. It took me a while to realize she was actually having mini-meltdowns. The biggest piece of evidence however is that she can put up with me and even enjoy being in my company!

Younger children do frequently ask people for their names. It is especially common during the preschool years.

I experience similar exclusions. I am close to my 30s and was diagnosed less than a year ago. The person that diagnosed me is not available to continue to counsel me. So I've been trying to get support here in my state. Twice I was turned down by professionals to get referrals and once I was ridiculed. Then I spoke to a specialist but I got the impression that he was implying that I was incapable of being somewhat functioning if I was on the spectrum and/ woman. At my Uni I get the, "but you’re so functional."

I use my autistic strengths to compensate for my inabilities. Because of autism, I struggle with socializing and sometimes lack what people would call "common sense." I struggled with these difficulties since birth and it's NOT brought on because of psychological stress.

As to my upbringing, in my culture women are to be the caretakers and are trained to be a good house wife. So I was given a lot of responsibilities growing up. I have a different than most circumstances where I had to grow up really fast. So my special interests are really unique for someone my age. So that is why there are so many spikes in my abilities but struggle to balance with my responsibilities.

I am okay with running a home but to go to school, work and keep up with my relationship's seem near to impossible. As the responsibilities go up my ability to socialize diminishes also.

I almost forgot during my young developmental years my mom moved me from my country, I dont think they would have picked up on the austim either they are a little behind. Then when I came to the United States, I was playing catchup in all areas on top of having undiagnosed autism.

I can relate. I slid right under the radar and that is why I lack the appropriate support. It feels like I am constantly on an uphill battle.

When I was a child I didn't mask my traits at all. I was of the active-but-odd subtype and I had challenging and disruptive behaviors. As I was born in 1995, when the autism diagnoses boomed, I got diagnosed pretty quickly, before I was four.

For years my parents scolded, grounded and punished me to make me behave properly and control my angry outbursts, which I finally started to do when I turned 12. Then they mocked me for my quirks, demanded that I made friends at school and got mad at me whenever I made a social mistake. I was bullied at school and had no friends. My parents acknowledged that I struggled with my social skills, but they didn't tell me about my diagnosis, so I could not use it as an excuse, but neither could I accept or forgive myself. I learned to mask my symptoms in a traumatic way.

Everyone who knows me now think that I'm a bit quirky or weird, but they would never imagine I'm autistic unless I told them. Even though real friendship is still a mystery to me, I like socializing with my classmates and coworkers, and I usually talk with them of books and series we like. I have special interests (autism and psychology) but I'm careful not to talk about them unless someone else brings the topic. I only use socially acceptable stims in public and I'm often flexible with my routines.