Hope this an okay topic for here. (May be triggering, reference to hospitalization and suicide attempt.) Looking for women's input, but anyone's is of course welcome. So after 33 year of life I've come to a crisis where life long issues have been buried but for reasons come suddenly unable to suppress them anymore that make me question whether Aspergers explains so much of my issues in life.
Long story as short as I can make it, I've struggled since very young in life. My parents found me to be a hard baby and a young child prone to tantrums far beyond normal. They often remarked that I never understood things like jokes. As I got older and moved into Elementary school, my need for things to be absolutely certain ways or I'd react with rage (particularly at home). The smallest deviation triggered screaming/crying/throwing things/attacking my brother in particular. Certain sensory stimuli could also trigger this. Although the rage has dampened to more controlled but still extremely distressed reactions to changes in "the way things" are or sensory issues, they haunt me to this day.
My interests often were (and are) very narrow. The topics might change or get added to, but I research the heck out of them and talk about them. I've learned over the years to try to pick up superficial interest/knowledge in other things in order to socialize, but prefer to stick to those topics. I've always had a hard time making and keeping friends on more than a superficial level and I've never understood what I was doing wrong. I often played on my own, either by preference or lack of finding people who wanted to interact with me. Two of my earliest memories were of the idea of being outside a building all by myself looking inside and not knowing how to get in as well as replaying conversations/situations to try to figure out what to do differently.
I had weird behaviors that might have been tics or maybe stereotypies that have only grown more elaborate over the years.
Maybe these things would have been picked up on if my brother didn't have ADHD and trouble in school. I was the "good" child because I did well in school and "caused less problems"...hard to believe given my raging tendencies. But there you have it. And then it never occurred to me to mention the social issues.
At middle school I was diagnosed with OCD due to some of the physical behaviors and anxiety, though the doctor didn't seem to take me seriously and didn't really look that hard at the symptoms, let alone what else I was dealing with. I don't think she thought I had issues at all, to be honest.
Fast forward to high school and things weren't improving. I 'd think I made friends, but with only one or two exceptions I developed severe depression, though looking back I realize she just wanted to write the script and move on. Technically I went to therapy, but it never went anywhere since I didn't understand what was going on beyond immediate issues.
I was hospitalized when I started in college as I fell apart and had suicidal thoughts. Among the stresses was watching everyone make friends and I could occasionally talk with people, but could not make deeper connections. I stayed at home and went to community college for a year and a half where I occasionally went out to eat with someone but didn't really make friends. I had a suicide attempt and other hospitalizations.
On to the college I eventually graduated from. I better stayed on track by having a major and taking as many classes as I could that fit my interests. I was able to rely on accommodations for my Bipolar. During that time I made one person that qualified as a friend. Others I thought were friends, but looking back were just people that occasionally agreed to do things outside of class if I asked enough and it was convenient for them.
Rinse and repeat through my jobs from graduation in winter 2009 and two months ago. One friend from my first job. Otherwise, occasionally someone willing to hangout rarely to semi-frequently when it was convenient and if I asked (almost never reciprocated). I worked in jobs surrounding animals, so animals and work in general tended to be the topics of conversation. It wasn't until something would change that it'd finally click that I thought we were close friends and they did not. If I didn't reach out, they wouldn't. You'd think I'd figure it out, but it happens over and over and I never do.
Anyway, had to leave the job I was at for 6 years about 2 months ago due to a physical illness. Thought there were a couple of people that I was close enough to that would want to check in/respond to texts and that there was one I thought I was really close friends with that we'd get together semi-frequently. Nothing. Looking back I realize that we only ever got together when I asked and when it was convenient, but a new girl started last year and they were getting together constantly. (Sure, I do get to a point that certain people click than others, but it fits my pattern of thinking the other person also sees me as a good friend.)
So now I'm in a job that is also a terrible fit for my struggles with auditory processing, no social backup other than my overburdened wonderful husband, no idea how to find and make actual friends, and a doctor that is finally willing to acknowledge that more than Bipolar is going on and basically ripped open a lifetime of struggles, confusion of pain and...whatever this is.
Does any of this sound like Aspergers? Or should I be looking elsewhere for answers?
30 Apr 2018, 7:19 pm
