In time I want to adopt a child

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I'm sick with envy hearing my female peers talking about having babies. My severe pregnancy anxiety is stopping me from having a baby myself, so I think I will do the next best thing, which is adopting a baby.

People usually criticise me for being scared of pregnancy because they say that "most females get pregnant and they get through it fine", and when I say about the pain of giving birth they just say "it hurts for everybody who goes through labour but they live through it". But I am both squeemish and hypersensitive to pain. I can't even have a PAP smear test without crying out in agony. And every woman I have spoken to who has given birth has said that labour HURTS. Then I read somewhere that giving birth to a baby hurts equally as bad as being burned alive. And I can't even hold a hot cup of coffee without throwing it down on the nearest surface and blowing on my fingers where it burnt - whilst I see others hold hot cups without reacting at all. Plus I couldn't handle period pains, which was why I take the contraceptive pill. Getting periods used to be like getting the flu each month; I'd get a temperature and feel really nauseas from the cramps, to the point where I had to be sent home. Sometimes the cramps made me vomit or nearly pass out. And I heard that labour pains are period cramps but 100 times worse. I mean, I didn't think period cramps could get any worse than what I experienced!

But it's not just the labour. It's the morning sickness too. I have a fear of vomiting. I had a tummy bug at Christmas and I was only sick once but had a massive panic attack over it. My dad had to physically stop me from phoning the ambulance, because the vomiting was so frightening for me. As I was gagging when vomiting, I involuntarily breathed in and all the vomit went into my lungs, so I felt like I was drowning in my own vomit - even though I wasn't lying on my back, I was leant over the toilet. So I do everything I can to avoid the risk of vomiting.

So, I think my high anxiety levels will,probably end up causing stress on the unborn baby, and I heard that doesn't do the baby much good and can cause a premature birth or even health problems.

And then there's the high chance of autism being passed on to my baby. I know it could happen to anybody but I have a higher chance of having a baby on the spectrum, and I really don't want an autistic child to grow up in this intolerant world.

So, as much as I would prefer to 'make' my own baby inside me, it looks like it isn't an option for me. So should I adopt instead?

Fear of what you do not know is normal.

Some are afraid of pregnancy, some are afraid of autism, strangers, everything we do not know may be fearful...

I think it may turn out to be a matter of if you can adopt a baby instead of if you should. I don't know what the laws say about adoption where you're from, but here one has to have a steady and decent income to do it. Also, not just anyone can adopt; they do background and health checks (I think) so if you have a history of mental problems you might not be allowed to do it. And even if you are, the wait and the process is often long, so it's best not to wait too long.

^ the above points out some of the difficulties in adopting a child. In addition, here at least, you have to have been in a stable relationship for some time.

And there are a lot of expenses involved.

You should look into the requirements and see if you are eligible. Some links you might find useful if you are serious about it:

https://www.actionforchildren.org.uk/fo ... can-adopt/

https://www.familylives.org.uk/advice/y ... g-a-child/

https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2015/0 ... 15868.html

I don't want to come off mean but it's hard to have a kid but even harder to raise one that is yours or adopted. Find out if you can be put out and given a C section. Labor is VERY painful even under meds. Have a doctor answer ALL of your questions before you do anything. After the child is born, you will have to contend with the next 18 years. Are you emotionally strong enough?? Physical pain is one thing but life itself is another.

I know how you feel. But I don't want to adopt but I do want to have an anonymous sperm donor or maybe even someone I know (they wouldn't have to pay child support or any legal responsibility) but I'm not financially independent enough to do such things.

I also think I might get a lot of stigma for it.

An adopted child also tends to have more problems than normal kids. That doesn't mean it's not possible for any adopted child to be normal. This is my reason for not adopting and plus it costs lot of money and two, you basically have to be normal and be rich to adopt.

Usually the advice I'm given when I say about my pregnancy anxieties is adoption, even from Aspies here in the past. I heard C-section can be really painful afterwards, and can take a long time to heal. Plus it can weaken your stomach muscles and bladder, unless you only have it once, which I'm planning to do (so I can spoil him/her!)
I could find out about a surrogate mother, where your husband's sperm gets implanted in someone else's womb. I read about it all the time in magazines (NOT celebrities, just ordinary people). And their family life is like any other, and the mum emotionally feels like she had the baby herself. Plus the baby won't inherit my horrible faulty genes, and my partner doesn't seem to have autism run in his family, so my baby will have less chance of having autism. But I suppose going through surrogacy requires loads of paperwork too. It's not fair. If I was a man, I'd be able to escape all the physical pain and just enjoy the blessing.

Can Autistic people adopt at all? I pretty much feel exactly the same way as you in terms of pregnancy, kids, etc., in addition to me having autism and my partner having it run in his family. Having biological children would be ethically questionable in my opinion. I would love to adopt someday and if my partner and I get good jobs once we complete our Master's degrees, we would probably make enough together. Even if we were financially stable, does him having ADHD and me having autism hamper our chances at adoption?

The path to adoption is probably smoother if you were married.

You also have to realize that kids WILL embarrass you in the street.

And childcare is another difficulty faced by working parents.

If you're really thinking of having children, ANY method, try out your tolerance for the stress involved first. Do some babysitting. If you hate vomit, how will you feel about cleaning up someone else's? Are you good with poopy diapers? (Don't kid yourself that you'll just have the husband do that.) If you get anxiety now over life events, what happens when your kid spikes a fever at 2 a.m. and the emergency room does a poor job for it?

If you like babies and children only in small doses, then you should settle for being a godparent, an aunt, or something similar. Because having your own means relentless pressures at every hour of the day, going on for many years.

The only good reason to have children is that you want to love them and raise them. Financially, they will never pay off, and even if you are splendid parent, they can still disappoint you in adulthood.

I can relate to NTs rather well. My mother is NT but we've always had a strong bond and we are very close, so I'm sure I will be able to relate to my own NT child. I can relate to all my NT cousins easily.

There are many things putting me off of having children, for example, vomiting. All kids get sickness bugs in order to build their immune system, and although I'd probably be able to fight vomiting bugs off, there might be a time where my child brings home a strong norovirus that spreads like wildfire. My mum said that when my brother was 2 years old he caught a bug that was so strong that both my mum and dad caught it, then the cat even caught it!

It's difficult because my hormones are begging me to have a baby but my anxiety and fears are begging me not to have a baby. I'm 28 now and I feel like I haven't got much time left before my biological clock starts to tick faster. If I'm going to have a baby, I don't want to have one too late. Also I think having a baby will give me something to focus on. I'm not a drug-addict, or a psychopath, or an invalid, or a mentally unstable person with a bad history, so I think once I hold my baby in my arms my motherly instincts will kick in and I will love the baby just like I love my mother.

It's just I keep getting jealous whenever other people announce that they're pregnant. And I don't think I will be a godmother or an aunt. My brother is very unlikely to have children, and people who I know that get pregnant don't ask me to be a godmother, as I'm not close enough.

This may be a strange analogy but to me babies are like fart smells; you are OK with your own but are repulsed by someone else's. So I hate hearing and seeing other people's kids, but I know that if I had my OWN baby my emotional state will definitely be different towards it. My mum said that she hated most toddlers in general when me and my brother were little, but that didn't affect her instinctive love for her own toddlers.

OP, I understand your sentiments, being disgusted by the idea of sex myself, but feeling like crying every time someone announces that they are going to have a baby, and just being around young kids in general.

BUT, from many of your posts, I think it is best if you grow more comfortable with yourself first. You don't have to LOVE being autistic, but it is probably better if you can grow to not hate it first.

But feel free to ask me, if you are in america, anything you would like to know about adoption. I know a lot.