I don't feel attractive any more

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My body is changing. I'm approaching 40 and I am getting aches and pains that were never were before.

My skin is really dry. My pores are larger. My teeth are more yellow. My hair is going Gray.
It's harder to lose weight and keep it off.

I know this is normal. This happens to everyone.

But I've never had a boyfriend before and I feel like this body isn't going to be enough anymore.

No one wanted me when I was younger, now how am i meant to attract someone?

I can relate, though I had the one gf about 20 years ago, but that didn't go well. There's more to attraction than physical appearance, as you probably know. And most people (even men)'s preferences change over time. I've seen several posters in the 40 and up cohorts just this week saying many of them didn't find someone till their 40s or later. It's not easy, meeting someone for the vast majority of NT's and neurodiverse people rarely is. But honestly you're still fairly young at your age anyway. I don't know you so I don't know if you've been putting yourself out there (on or off-line), and I don't simply mean in dating spaces. If it's easier for now to do it in some sort of platonic social, friendship or such space, do that for now. It's all about practice, no? If you do wanna do dating spaces too, then by all means, have at it. My main point is you still have plenty of time and time should give you hope b/c there are probably people out there you'd be compatible with, you just have to take the time to find each other. Good luck!

And sorry, I didn't realize this was on the woman's issues board till after I posted. I didn't mean to enter a space if it's basically just for women.

I'm right there with you, hurtloam. Actually, I think I'm older than you. I dye my hair because I'm used to seeing myself with black hair. I wear makeup and cover up age spots or whatever they are. I wear bifocals and have to have special lenses because my vision sucks.

The thing is, I have a dog who loves me and kids who need me. They don't care if I get super ugly and fat! Well, maybe the kids do. And aside from the perennial employment problem, I think I'm pretty awesome to make it this far.

Anyway, we are all in the same boat!! ! You either get old or you die. I'd rather get old.

And I agree with the previous poster... doesn't matter if you're a dude or not. All in the same boat.

I’ve never felt that attractive. I’ve found, though, that feeling confident attracts more guys than being “attractive” as defined by society.

Would working on your feelings of depression and maybe getting a makeover to help you feel better about yourself help you to feel more confident?

I notice that when I whiten my teeth I smile more. People naturally gravitate towards other people who seem happy.

If you like to wear makeup, it’s fun to go to makeup counters and try a new and updated look. It’s also fun to try new hairstyles or clothing styles. Maybe pick out things that you wouldn’t normally try. When I’ve done that recently, I was really surprised by how flattering some things were.

Maybe you could find some type of physical activity that you would enjoy. I find that when I weigh more than I’d like to but exercise I like the way I look more than if I didn’t exercise. A lot of people enjoy taking dance-inspired fitness classes or yoga.

I’m not saying that you should look or dress a certain way to attract a man, but having a positive attitude and finding ways that would help you feel better about yourself could go a long way in building up your confidence which, I believe, can really help.

If you don’t put yourself out there in some way, guys might not know that you’re interested in dating.

Different people find different things attractive

Not everyone that is married, looks like a supermodel

Appearance is superficial

Regardless of marital status, life goes on and on and on and on and on and on

Everyone gets older

Same age, or there abouts, noticing the same things
For most of my life I based my understanding of attraction on the shallow aspects only. Post self diagnosis I decided that it was time to add reason to my definition. Physical attractiveness fades, a person on the autistic spectrum needs a partner with a good depth of character, the other details are secondary from my experiences.

Plenty of people (especially autistics) do not have spouses, boyfriend, girlfriend, gender neutral partner

Half of marriages end in divorce

If nobody wants to be with you, that is not necessarily your fault

However, regardless of marital status, everyone has to get on with their lives


The only precious lil "people" that wanted to be with me, were creepy old men or whatever

Honestly I can only go by my own observations about myself, I think you have met decent types of men so far, so you have got that part right for yourself.
Physical attraction yes is needed as part of the package, as a younger woman I had that, but my sense of who I was, was skewed from years of confusion and I attracted predatory types for the most part.
Besides I wouldn't have appreciated the decent types back then, I had some kind of daft NT type of criteria in my mind.
Now the type of person who would focus on how I look is extremely unattractive to me, I find it a turn off, a red flag for potential narcissistic behaviour.

The types that would notice you more if you got blonde highlights, lost a stone, and bought a new wardrobe are not the men an autistic woman would want to attract, from my own experiences. They are not interested in compatibility. Not to say that we aren't all intrinsically attracted to beauty but for me it should be secondary to the real person.

The attraction I like comes from me having a developing sense of self and compatible people being attracted to it, though i have had to be very upfront and uncomfortably honest about my feelings towards my partner who's also on the spectrum (with a healthy sense of self). When we first met this included metaphorically clubbing him over the head to get him to notice me in that way.
I would be a healthier person now if I had not met those predatory types in my younger years.

I'm currently having the same issue with finding anyone due to behavioral eccentricities. I am somewhat younger and my body is in a pretty good shape, and I am wasting it away online every day, not forming any worthwhile experiences or relationships in my isolation.

I'm still hopeful though. There is a person, and there's a way to find them, we just haven't figured out how to look for them and they haven't found out how to look for us.

Later edit: In an attempt to remedy my isolation I looked for some online groups. Strangely though most of them are actually for an older age range, not for younger people. You might have some luck doing meets and events for singles.

I'm not diagnosed and now that I'm older I'm coping a lot better with whatever symptoms I had.

I used to have such black and white rigid thinking, but I've mellowed so much with age and experience.

In my job I don't feel so much like I don't understand what people expect of me, for example.

I've even made some friends now.

I've been slow to learn the old social skills.

Sometimes I wonder if I should leave this forum because I don't relate as much to autism as I did 10 odd years ago when I first joined

It's my love life that is the last area of my life that I can't work out.

Diagnosis doesn't change your experience of autism, though i suspect you know that , im pro self diagnosis for adults, though thats for a different topic.

You can still be open about your autism with the right person, I think hiding who we are also triggers that sixth sense in people. We can only mask to our level of self awareness and the socially savvy pick up on the gaps that we do not see.

I dont know how long ill be here, but I guess few do, as it stands I love having the space to be autistic and to learn about autism from first hand experiences.
Also this place has come a long way in the last few years, I started reading posts here in 2013 and I find it to be more inclusive now than it was then, you've done a lot in L+D to make it a nicer place for women... perhaps a break from focussing on your love life would be kind thing to do for your wellbeing.