How to Respond to Inappropriate Comments

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Years ago, a leader in my church told me that since I was a “large-chested woman” (his words!) I needed to be more careful about what I wore than most women. He said that my clothes were “too revealing.” I know he said more stuff, but I was so mortified that I tried not to listen too closely. I also sensed that he was looking at my body as he was talking, so I tried to discretely cover up more with the sweater I was wearing.

I’m not really that large-chested, and I dress pretty modestly because I’m self conscious but whatever.

Anyway, I really didn’t say much and acted as though I would listen to his advice even though I was frustrated and embarrassed. I’m more bothered that I didn’t stick up for myself at all than by the actual comment that he made even though I felt self conscious around him after that and wondered whether he was looking at my body.

I was seriously lacking in any backbone. Of course, if I had stuck up for myself, I probably would’ve been counseled for not being humble or submissive... Oy vey!

How would you all have handled this situation? Am I correct in thinking that it was super inappropriate?

It’s sort of like he had no idea that what he said was inappropriate. As a church leader, he seemed to think that he could give very pointed and specific advice that was superior to any scruples the average (non-cult-following) person would feel and observe.

It’s like when one feels that they are a link in the chain to God they don’t have to follow normal mores about decency. It’s a really common thing that’s hard to describe and pinpoint.

I’m really glad that the mild flirtation I had with his son went nowhere. It would’ve been super awkward to have him as a father-in-law, and I think some of his attitude towards women may have rubbed off on his son.

He had authority, so he can get away with whatever he wants


Some priests have been accused of raping children


If you don't day anyway, you are letting him walk all over you


Abuse of power


If you were to have said something, he could've used his authority against you



Someone had the nerve to tell me that you have "an extremely large chest"

Just 36 b


As a trans man in San Diego 2004

Homophobic


Sexist


Seriously doubt he would be receptive



If you tattle on him, the authorities might not believe you. The authorities could be biased. Everyone is biased. They act like they are perfect. They have big egoed.

Sometimes the authorities will take the side of their friends, because the friend has more power than you do

You don't know who is having sex with whom



He should not be talking about your body, any more than you should be talking about his body





Please arrange a different group leader

^
I realise he wasn't hitting on you, it's the way he felt entitled to cross boundaries that does my head in. I've seen men... well, leering at women in similar circumstances (attractive women that weren't dressed particularly "provocative") and the person in authority admonished in some form the women, not the men.

It made a strong impression on me as I didn't grow up in that kind of environment - as a man I've never experienced anything similar and I can't imagine reacting to it with anything but anger and hostility

Well, being perfectly honest and saying:
"Sir, according to my best knowledge, my clothing is absolutely appropriate, quite unlike your comment"
would not be easy but there are times I do it. Results:
- enormous satisfaction from looking at his face
- a powerful enemy to deal with
- surprisingly, despite hating you and seeking revenge, guys usually learn the lesson and never do it again.

Confront

Tattle

Ignored


Passive aggressively


Depending on your bravery and situation



There is something wrong with everything


No method is guaranteed to work


All methods could backfire

Stuff like that is exactly why I quit going to church many years ago.

All abrahamic religions are mysognistic in my honest opinion.

But personally I quit going to church because of the homophobia, and every time I hear a Christian try and convince me "Oh God and Jesus don't really hate you for being gay! The Bible never said that gays were an abomination and deserve death! Come back to church!" I feel an urge to smack them with their own archaic textbook.

I find it absurd how certain types of people always blame the women if men sexually harras them. They're either "dressing too indecently" or just "giving those signals." With these people it will always be the woman's fault, even if she gets raped. In my opinion, the best way to deal with these types of people is just to avoid having anything to do with them. It won't fix the problem of course, but it'll keep you safe and away from harm. If you want to be better than just someone who saves their own skin, then try to warn and support other women (and decent men too of course) who can't get away, from the sidelines.

Extreme religious guys find they can't reconcile their rampant sexual urges with the fantasy image they have of themselves as a pious God-fearing gent... so they blame women for tempting them from from the true path. They should chill and masturbate more often... take some of the pressure off and make the world a happier place.