Self-doubt after diagnosis

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I just got diagnosed in my thirties, after a few years of going round and round, both desperately wanting to know if this could explain (much of) what I've struggled with my whole life and also feeling like I was just looking for attention, exaggerating my issues, and maybe looking to take up space that wasn't mine to occupy. Thank you to everyone who responded to my and others' posts about seeking diagnosis. It really helped.

Given my history of self-doubt/animosity/mistrust, it's no surprise that getting the diagnosis doesn't feel like a relief (at least right away). I desperately wanted it, but now I've got all these imposter feelings, like somehow I tricked the psychologist, even though she's an expert, and even though I was trying to be as accurate as possible, and even though she explicitly told me she was confident and that she tells people no when the answer is no.

I'm trying to be patient with myself, and just keep telling myself it's pretty illogical to put my self-doubt above an expert opinion (not that expert opinions are everything either). Even though I know we're all different, my mind just keeps going to the things that about me that don't "fit", like scoring really well at recognizing emotions in faces.

If anyone has any advice/words of wisdom for how to deal with these kinds of feelings, or just wants to share their experience, I'd love to hear it. I'm finding some of the words from this resource to be helpful: https://awnnetwork.org/wp-content/uploa ... _Women.pdf

I would say that a good of us don't fit the criteria to a T, especially us females!

The original data and idea of the Autism spectrum has long been based on how it presents in boys. For a time it was believed that girls couldn't have Aspergers =o (not sure about the spectrum in general). This is why so many of us females have been overlooked and misdiagnosed. ASD presents differently in us, therefore its totally normal for us to not fit with various characteristics.

Another piece to that is, we are brought up a bit differently than males so we have developed more 'skills' that end up masking the Autism. We also tend to be better at being social copycats than guys - this also can create a mask. When I learned this I had to stop and think about why I would do certain things and just how much i was actually being influences by those around me verses what was self initiated. I was surprised to figure out just how much I'd been copying people.

You don't have to fit with all of it. Your Autism experience is YOUR experience

I resonate strongly with everything you've written in this post. Everything. Also diagnosed in thirties, worry somehow I've internalised the info about autism so much that somehow I've autisticified myself. My husband says that's absurd, but I still feel it.

I'm not doing very well at the moment (virus, stress, sensory overload) so I'm out of spoons to communicate but just wanted to say you're not alone.

I had the same doubts - was I just fitting myself to what I read about ASD? Was I just making fuss about myself?
Finally, my mental health exploded and there was no doubt I had to seek attention - to hopefully find help.

I had very poor sense of identity back then, after a lifetime of performing to pass and dissociating to withstand. I didn't know what was real and what was just a performance. My alexithymia was enormous. I suffered but all I could do was to put a nice smile on my face and perform, with more and more struggle.

The most useful thing about my half-diagnosis (I didn't go through full evaluation but I seeked opinions of specialists) was accepting that my mind works differently than minds of most people. Accepting that I may be horribly uncomfortable in "normal" situations and comfortable with life others wouldn't want.

I really appreciate everyone's thoughts! It is comforting to know it's not just me.

I had the same doubts, but I just assumed it was my OCD. I didn't know anybody else felt that way! The real irony is when I had the doubts about "tricking the psychologist," as you put it, after I got my official OCD diagnosis.

“like scoring really well at recognizing emotions in faces.” I’m good at reading facial expressions. However when dealing with the complexity of communication, reading body language, listening to tone of voice and carrying a causal conversation that’s a nightmare.

If I am stressed out by a sensory experience that will make me more likely to misunderstand or miscommunicate my ideas.

Autism is made up of multifaceted brain functions. After being told so often that I wasn’t experiencing what I was feeling plus the mistrust of my bodies inabilities to regulate itself this causes me to do a lot of things in an unintuitive manner. I depend on logic over my physical experience.

When you can’t trust your own systems it’s hard to really be 100% sure of if this what is happening or is this something I’m exaggerating and add the nuances of socializing and you get...drumrolls please...Autism!

Thanks for your thoughts Lizbeth Ann! They're helpful.

Autism is really different from most disorders. Everyone with autism is different. And you can't predict someone's gifts based on anything else. So it really doesn't fit in with the way people categorize things.

Thanks BTDT, a good thing to remember.