Aspie Women, Do you prefer AS/AS or AS/NT for yourself?

Post Reply New Topic

State your preference and why, please. I've been wondering this since to me in AS/AS, no one would be taking care of nurturing, empathizing, showing affection, taking care of the chaos or the AS woman would feel forced into that role and either not find it fit right or obsess about doing it perfectly. But heck, I might be out to lunch!

Me, I'm definitely AS with NT guy. I want someone to take care of all that chaos of every day life, give me affection, be able to read all the social signs for me and love my brain. I've always attracted guys like this and married one. What about the rest of you.

I prefer me/me and lots of Routemaster replicas. I've had it, with men.

Thus far, I seem to go for AS men. I find it important to be with someone who shares interests with the same intensity and I would find the requirement for intimacy too much with an NT man, especially the need for sex which is not of a great deal of interest to me, although I do enjoy it sometimes. I don't know... I have never really had a proper relationship with an NT man but I know I seem to totally find no interest in them and always gravitate towards the more eccentric and intellectually intense type of man. It does not matter in the end, anyway, as it seems increasingly likely I will always be single and alone.

I also seem to go for men with intense interest in intellectual subjects, but I seem to find that in NT men (well actually those men find me). That might be true of all of us across AS/NT. Hmmm


Graelwyn,

This might be too personal, so if it is don't feel you need to respond. Did you live with any of them (marriage or otherwise)? If so, did you find yourself fulfilling a more traditional nurturer/caretaker role? And, if you did, did you find that to be your choice or did you feel pressured into it?


I'm just curious as to the difference in the dynamics (if any!) between AS women and AS men or NT men.


Oh, and guys, please don't vote or answer okay? Here's why I say that. If you do, any information you might have gleaned from this thread will be skewed by the votes. You might actually find the answers educational though if you read and don't post. If you post, you'll probably set us off on a tangent and any valuable information you could glean would be lost. It will turn into an argument about one little aspect about the relationships instead. I'm trying to see the whole picture with everyone. The guys will benefit from that as well, I think.

I thought I'd like AS guys, but most of the ones I've 'met' are as*holes. Perhaps it's because they're more honest.

More honest about their own self interests? I have noticed both male and female Aspies tend to see things in black and white, and not to consider other people have their own reasoned thoughts, and needs.

I would tend toward AS/NT, though I once knew the sweetest Aspie guy-he was too isolated, and I liked to travel, so that didn't work.

Metta, Rjaye.

More honest on how they think of me. They don't lie. Atleast not the ones I've met.

From what I gather on the forum AS women can be just as confounding as NT women. The qualities in an AS woman that I like can be found in NT women too.

Hi, well really, I have only ever had one boyfriend and I lived with him for 5 and a half years...primarilly due to my fear of coping entirely alone in life and not having somewhere to go. But to answer your question...no. The only nurturing I did, I suppose, was offering to buy him some rehydration fluids when he was sick. Otherwise, neither of us was especially caring to one another. His total ignoring of me when I had severe panic attacks did not help that situation and did not incline me towards being nurturing either lol. If anything, I would often refuse to make him coffee or tea when he demanded it. We very much lived separate lives in the end, with me losing myself in my internet Harry Potter chatroom world, and he losing himself in his psychology classes. The situation was not helped in that we lived in a very small house with his mother.

But...I showed next to no nurturing capabilities. I did my own washing...his mother did his. We made our own food etc, that is just how it was from the start. And I found it very irksome to have to go to sleep when he did due to our sharing a room and there being nowhere else for me to stay up. It is interesting. To begin with, I was not in a relationship with him..we were just friends and I was meant to go and stay with him for a few days to give my mother a break. I just never went back to my mother as my relationship with her had been very destructive. I did not cope well with the change. For the first month, I refused to leave the house and dosed myself up with valium to sleep through the days. I also behaved in a rather needy manner in that I resented the fact that he would not only work from 6am to 6pm at night, but he would also stay out to see a female friend sometimes while I was left in the house, in a strange new place. I would react very badly to that and self harm and get upset.

To begin, I had a rather idealised vision of romance from all the films I had watched as a young girl...but he denied having any emotions at all, saying he worked only from logic and cared from logic and all such things. This sent me into a confused state, as I thought caring came from a feeling, so I would endlessly question him as to how he could care about someone through thoughts and in the end, he just shut down for an evening as I had asked too many questions relating to emotions and he couldn't answer them.

It was an interesting dynamic. I went there, having been convinced that I was borderline personality, and of course, being totally open and honest in my speech, he knew that almost as soon as we first spoke on the phone...so while he analysed my supposed borderline behaviours, I would analyse his supposed logical and cold behaviour, never once even suspecting that I myself was the same in many ways... Anyway, to cut a long story short, after a certain period whereby he had pursued his own interests and pushed any ideas of being a couple away, I lost myself in my own obsessions and any attempts on his part to pull me away from the internet would result in a lot of anger and shouting and crying on my part. He blamed the internet obsession for our separation, but in truth, he was just as bad initially with his own obsession.

Food for thought for you.

Aaron,

You're probably right. Is that a blue Exotic Shorthair in your Avatar? They are great cats.


You didn't mess up my poll, did you?LOL


Zanne

If I was choosing a girlfriend for myself, I'd probably end up with an AS tolerant NT lady. As long as they are reasonably tolerant, aren't going to drive me up the wall and don't look like an absolute monster I'll be content enough. NT or AS, it doesn't bother me. I should probably say though that most people who have Asperger's that I have met have driven me up the wall within minutes so perhaps an AS girlfriend isn't such a good idea. Who knows.

no I didn't mess up your poll.

That cat is from an image macro. (Happycat has run out of happy) I think it illustrates how I've been feeling lately quite well.

I choose to stay single by choice. Love causes pain.

Thanks for not messing with the poll! Happy cat has run out of happy. Love it, but sad you are feeling like that. I hope your happy comes back to see you soon!

I'd have to say AS/AS because right now I'm AS with an NT partner and I feel very misunderstood and many of my quirks and all irritate him just like his irritate me.

Do you ever wonder if we'd just run into that with AS males as well? I mean we're all different and we can get pretty judgemental and grumpy with each other too. Look at it on here! LOL

I was also thinking this morning about this... My NT husband really interprets many of the things that I can't read in people. In some ways he's like my eyes and ears. He is very good at doing that so I can navigate the world more easily. I would really miss that in an AS/AS relationship because we'd both be clueless and no one to show us what it all meant! EEK

He's also good at stabalizing me by letting me know when things aren't aimed at just me, but are really behaviors done to many people. It's like he'll pull me back so I can see it isn't just me. He can see that from his perspective where I can't always see that. I almost think in an AS/AS relationship where there was no one with that ability, we'd get stuck in making rash judgements (that seem valid) because neither would know and we'd end up seeing ourselves as very persecuted and alone. It almost seems like it would make you both skewed in a way. I see quite a bit of that on here, where we lose the perspective that some NT people pick on many groups and we don't get what that behavior really is or why it's happening. It ends up making us lose all perspective...and then hope as a result.

To me, those are the biggest things I would miss besides the amount of affection and caring I get from him. I'd miss that after all this time. I've really gotten used to it.

Just things for us to mull over.