Made fun of by conventionally attractive "Queen Bee" type

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I feel like s**t, granted this is all online based but still, I can't help the way I feel. It brought up bad, self-conscious feelings about my autism again.

So I'm a roleplayer and I happened to have this acquaintance from the tumblr roleplay community, I would have never called us "friends" exactly but we ran in the same circles and I thought we were at least friendly to each other, she was always nice to my face and seemed pretty sweet.


Let's call this girl "L."

That is until... I happened to find and join a private Discord server that she moderated

Cool I thought, no worries.

So I was just checking it out to see what type of server it was, scrolled up far enough and right there in the server I saw L gossiping about me.

She was making fun of me and she apparently even "warned" one of our mutual friends about me.

She said my one of my special interest obsessions was weird and creepy and that I was super annoying because I used to Tumblr IM her a lot back when she had her RP blog.

I legit had no idea I was annoying her, I would've stopped if she had indicated that I had, see I have autism and am not the best at picking up on social cues especially online but she really did act like she was happy to talk to me and that I wasn't bothering her. Now it's seriously making me second guess myself whenever I message someone online out of the blue

And I admit I know I can be a little obsessed with analyzing and talking about this certain character but that's also part of my autism, it's one of my special interests that makes me happy. And believe me I know some of my autistic special interests are incredibly weird (even my special interest in analyzing this character stems from an even more particular special interest with finding parallels... don't ask) But it just really hurt my feelings when I saw her say that, it made me feel like a big freak and the fact that she's apparently "warning" people about me is making me scared to reenter the RP scene on tumblr if I ever do.

That's not all though...

I was actually just about to leave the server because I felt comfortable but before I was even able to I find that I can't find it on my servers list any more, she apparently kicked me out?

And even blocked me on twitter when I never even talked to her once there.

I don't know what I even did now besides join her server but it's really making me feel like a big creep and I'll get a reputation for being a creep.

Now I don't know if this is also part of my autism but I can't help noticing patterns. See I'm not like most autistic girls, while I do have boyish interests such as video games I've generally always gotten along better with girls, or at least average, ugly looking or conventionally attractive autistic girls.

It's the conventionally attractive NT girls who I seem to have this problem with.

Wouldn't you know it this online Queen Bee "L" is exactly the kind of smoking hot, popular, conventionally attractive NT girl I've frequently had issues with.

I don't mean to stereotype but what is it about these conventionally attractive NT girls that tend to bully and make fun of us autistic girls for our interests and find us "weird" and "creepy?"

Is it just a coincidence that this L happens to be hot like all the other girls who have bullied me?

I have a theory that perhaps the more conventionally attractive you are the more you're used to being in the throes of the mainstream of society and so you have less tolerance for "weirdos" or anyone that's even a little bit different/peculiar and refuses to conform.

I'm not sure what to do though, I've been bullied before but never online and online is basically my main social hub these days and I'm just terrified of this girl using her influence and popularity to spread rumors about what a creeper I am and blackball me from my friends and my online RPing hobby.

Do you think I should just confront her and tell her the truth about my autism in order to solve this whole problem? One of my friends who's in on this said she thinks that would just make everything worse because bullies like her thrive on weakness and that'll make me look like an even easier target in her eyes if I kowtow to her.

Has anyone else here ever had a similar experience with this "type?" specifically being made fun of/bullied just because they viewed your special interest as weird and you didn't pick up the social cues in time to realize you were being too overzealous/annoying in your discussion of it? Was this generally always done by a conventionally attractive young woman? Do conventionally attractive women/people tend to be meaner and more likely to be bullies or less tolerant of Aspies/Autistic people on average or am I just extrapolating on a coincidence here?

I f*****g hate conventionally attractive NT people sometimes!

Nothing wrong with that kind of interest. It's certainly way better than analyzing and gossiping about people, like L. The interest many NTs have in constantly comparing themselves to others, and constructing and maintaining a self-image, is way creepier than your genuine, non-egotistical interest. People like L are just bobbleheads: lots of dumb smiles and nods, and not much to really say or offer the world. Sorry you went through all that. I've similarly offended NTs like her, without realizing it. I think sometimes we rub them the wrong way in ways we don't realize, not that it's our job to appease them. They can attack us after feeling uncomfortable, or sensing "weakness" in us. I had a supervisor like this at work, who consistently "forgot" to approve paperwork I gave her, even though no one else under her had the same problem.

I never could figure out why she hated me, but I think it's best not to agonize over why these people are offended by you. They're the one with the problem. You only need to know how they think in order to secure your own survival. L is just a conformist who isn't really living the life she was given, and I think many NTs are offended by that blissful independence AS individuals naturally have. I hope you continue to enjoy your interests.

**Sorry, I didn't realize this was in Women's Discussion when I posted. I apologize if my response is inappropriate.

Have you ever thought about trying out more mainstream, girly interest and keeping the one that might come off as creepy to other women to yourself?

I lucked out because I love fashion, makeup, stuffed animals, coloring, ceramics, girly video games (Cooking Mama and Nintendogs mainly) and am learning how to cross stitch and do amigurumi. Maybe you should try these things. I’m not trying to tell you to change who you are. At the same time it’s important to keep certain things to yourself. I like mythological creatures like succubi and familiars but I don’t talk about my more obscure interests because it freaks people out.

It sounds like she was being polite at the beginning and was probably worried about offending you if she said anything. But then talking about you behind your back is pretty offensive - so, 'normal' logic, I guess

I think you should listen to your friend's advice and not disclose your autism to this person - cut all contact, block and don't give her a second thought. Two-faced types like that are really not worth it. Focus on the genuine friends you have, not some acquaintance you don't even know in real life. And don't let her stop you from enjoying your hobby! You do you

I strongly disagree with the idea that one should try to get into mainstream interests just to fit in. In my opinion, it's far better to seek out fellow oddballs who share one's more obscure interests -- the more obscure, the better. The friendships one can make that way are likely to be much deeper and longer-lasting.

Nah you're fine don't worry about it ^^, feel free to keep posting your input I'll take anyone's.


Just felt this topic particularly belonged in the women's section because it deals with inter-women relations, specifically between an Aspie and a conventionally attractive NT.

I'm just afraid that she'll turn the whole RP community against me and then I'll never get to be able to enjoy my hobby since she has a quite a bit of influence there, like I said she's the Queen Bee type. I've dealt with her type before and it wasn't pretty, if these girls don't like you they can use their power in a minute to ruin and outcast you and she's already blocked me on twitter and kicked me out of her server when I haven't even done anything further to her so that already doesn't bode well.

Any advice on what I should do to avoid future situations like this? The problem is I'm really not good at subtle social cues and it's especially hard for me to tell online where tone of voice and body language can't be seen. I really only get something if I'm told bluntly but then I know how to immediately back off. So how can I further avoid situations like this from happening again if the person seems interested and is fully engaged in the convo online and doesn't say anything but apparently I'm really annoying them? How can I tell they're getting annoyed if it's online?

I don't mean to stereotype but should I just go by the looks of the person? Like I said I usually never have this problem with "average looking" girls. Should I just dare not to ever even try to approach and strike a friendship with the conventionally attractive, "hot girl" types cause I should automatically assume that I'm out of their league level wise and they don't wanna deal with weirdos like me who have weird interests? That might just be the safest route, why are these types always the meanest if they're NT? I hate when a stereotype is proven right but I can't help noticing a pattern.

I'm not active on social media save for here, so I might be naive in thinking this - but if you generally have a good reputation on the roleplaying circuit and it's this one person who's blocked you, then why overthink it? She might be popular online, but if she's really going to try and turn a whole online community against you she would have to be constantly talking about you, and if she's constantly talking about you and not the subject matter then I'm pretty sure that's going to get boring for everyone else very quickly. She'd lose the genuine RP'ers and just be stuck with others exactly like her - not a fun group by the sounds of it!



That's the million dollar question isn't it? Unfortunately I don't think there's much of a way of reading into social subtleties when online; I find it hard enough in real life
My theory is that conventionally attractive people will get messages from basically anyone and everyone, so they either stop and block those who want continuous chat, or never reply in the first place. Don't feel bad about it - I bet your not the first person she's done it to, and you certainly won't be the last.



Yeah, I notice this a lot too. It's like you can make yourself up enough to 'pass' but when it comes to actually engaging with them the act falls flat. I don't know on this one - on the one hand I don't think you should totally discount someone just because of their looks. On the other hand you have previous experience warning you away from the potential fallout.

That's my 2 pence anyway; I know it's hard to just cut ties and step away from someone you enjoyed talking to, but in my opinion it's the better option. :hugs:

I didn’t try to get into mainstream interest. I naturally am into those things. People should come to you.
Seeking out people? Like interviewing others to see if they are “oddballs”?

Anyway back on topic the OP should do what makes her happy yet not be afraid to try cool things like I listed.

I would cease any and all communications with her.


And I would advise against trying to reason with her by explaining your autism, I mean there is a small chance she might be understanding but she may also turn around and just use that as more ammo to pick on you with. So I'd just try not to interact with her at all anymore...that would probably be the best way to deal with her.

If you don't interact for long enough she'll forget about you.

She sounds like a piece of trash that you should not waste your time on.. by the way, everyone is beautiful and unique, no matter what some idiot tells you.. Nobody made a mistake when they made you. Don't let some dumb mean girl have control over your emotions! And if people dont flatout tell me exactly what they mean when they say it, i will ask them over and over again, and if they get mad about it, that's their problem, not mine.. they should have said what they meant the FIRST time.

A lot of allistics can be like this. In her own head, she probably thought she was being "nice" by being polite whilst speaking behind your back. I'm sorry, you're going to have to get used to them doing this. It's what they think the "right" thing to do is.

Cut off all contact with her, and move on. Maybe in the future, observe the kinds of things that people you want to hang out with talk about, and then talk about those things. Don't talk about anything morbid or sexual unless they've already brought the conversation there. And look for reciprocity. Don't just continuously message someone who never messages back. Someone who initiates contact is a real friend.

I'm really sorry this happened to you. It's really hurtful, but time will heal your wounds.