Talk about your high school social experiences

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I put this in the women's discussion because I am interested to know about other women and their experiences they had at high school with their peers (by high school I mean ages between about 11-17). But I don't have a problem with guys sharing their experiences too.

Between the ages of 12-14 I often found myself standing on the edge of the crowd not really being wanted but having no choice because all these girls were in my class. I wasn't often talked to or told any gossip, I only found these things out by listening. And one morning when I was about 12 or 13, I joined the area where my 'friends' often hung out, but when I got there they were all talking about something, which turned out to be this rumour that everyone had to go on this field trip to France (which was false because at my school nobody was forced to go on field trips, everybody had the option). But nobody told me, but told the next girl who arrived after me - which was when I learnt the rumour.

That's just one example of the exclusion I often had to put up with.

Anyway, share some of your experiences.

This got long but here goes:

I don’t think I had the “textbook AS difficulty” during high school. Not until the last two years and even then not necessarily.

As a kid, I was......talkative, to put it lightly. Grew up with my twin and 5 of my cousins were similar in age AND lived in the same yard so basically I was constantly interacting, constantly learning social behaviour, had a constant source of people to share my ideas and interests so by the time I got to high school, I wasn’t necessarily discouraged or terrified. I was excited and had this idea of exactly how I wanted things to go. I decided how many friends I would have, how often we’d hang out, I modelled it after my older sister’s high school life as she seemed popular and had many friends.

Fast forward to me getting there, I was chatting people up IMMEDIATELY. It was an all girls high school and I wanted my clique. I wanted my popular girl ride through high school (and in my case, when I want something enough, I suppose I can become systematic and one track minded so I wasn’t anxious, I was militant with my drive).

Every new school year, I was one of the first names my teachers learned because of my “outgoing goofball” personality. Girls in my year but outside of my class started knowing who I was. I’d be quiet for a while when in the presence of new people, only long enough to study them, see what they found funny, what made them gush and what I should be gushing over then I’d slide in with a ton of jokes or off the mark remarks (they thought my bluntness was funny, not off putting).

I was also into writing stories and my schoolmates loved reading them so it was another “in” for me. Two of my friends from other classes snuck into my physics class once to demand I hand them the book I’d been writing. They were silly. I was silly. I didn’t have a care in the world where my social life was concerned. I got invited to my friends’ parties, even sleepovers. I was so distracted that I didn’t realize I was falling behind. Everyone else was getting into boys. It being an all girl school, I had NO IDEA where they were finding these boys, but they did and I was content to just be thriving.

Then, in the last two years (grades 12 and 13), my friends changed schools. Some left the island entirely. I was 17 and suddenly having to reintegrate and make a new “group”. That wasn’t the hard part. I made “new friends” pretty fast because I kept on good terms with everyone. But I no longer felt connected. I’d eat with them, laugh, go to classes. Didn’t realize they were just a crutch to stave off loneliness. My “new friends” were just to keep me afloat and I’ve been drifting more or less every since.

I didn't have much social experience in school. Never had any friends. However, there are two factors that were more detrimental to my chance for social interaction than autism - social anxiety that caused selective mutism and being born into a socially awkward family that did not want me to have friends.

Primary school was mostly characterized by daily, unavoidable fights. There were four boys that enjoyed punching and kicking me. One of them was twice my weight and I didn't have a chance, but I fought back anyway. Teachers weren't even in class half of the time, but standing outside chatting to each other. They could not have cared less. It never escalated or got dangerous, though. Just a few bruises here and there.
The girls were nicer. In 1st and 2nd class of primary school it was mostly me who didn't show any interest in socializing - though that partly was because of my mother's influence and because I thought I was not supposed to have friends.
For the most part I was a happy child though. My situation was normal, because it was all I knew. I didn't think much about it.

The first year of middle school I was mostly ignored and didn't make any attempt to socialize either. Two girls were fairly nice, but my social anxiety was too bad to really interact with them plus interacting with people and forming an interpersonal relationship is complicated when you don't think you're supposed to have friends. A few times someone said something mean and I got into physical fights two or three times that year when some boy decided to hit me. In the last few weeks of the school year two girls decided to bully me constantly but only verbally. I actually found that quite entertaining. It was less boring than being ignored.
The second year I also was mostly ignored. One of the girls who bullied me the previous year apologized, which I didn't know how to respond to, because she had never done anything I actually minded. For a few weeks the both of them occasionally talked to me, but I didn't have the social skills required to keep it up. I got into a few arguments and fights with some boys in the second half of the year, but this time it was more my fault than theirs. I still hadn't figured out that being mean could hurt other people emotionally. In a way I considered bullying a game, even though I had been the victim before.

The next two years (new classmates) most of the boys bullied me, but it was less often physical than in primary school. There was some spitting and placing icky objects on my chair involved though (but I always noticed the icky objects in time, because I was too used to it to not expect it). Some boys that were not my class mates bullied me too, but they may not have intended to initially. The first time they interacted with me I did not want to talk to them, because I expected them to have mean intentions. In hindsight they might not have had any if I had been less unsociable, but it resulted in them trying to bully me the next few months.
The girls again mostly ignored me. Some of them were fairly nice but there wasn't any interpersonal relationship. One talked to me quite a lot, because she didn't understand the native language well and social interaction with groups of people was too chaotic for her in the beginning. I distanced myself when she wanted to meet me after school, because I didn't want my parents to know.

The last four years (new classmates) there was hardly any bullying - only a tiny bit in the first year and by people who weren't my classmates in most classes. I was mostly ignored. In the last year two people put some effort - one of them an unreasonable amount of effort - into befriending me, but social anxiety and selective mutism impaired my ability to socialize too much to be able to be friends with anyone. I'm not sure what brought about the change. I guess they may have thought I was completely uninterested in people before and may have realized that wasn't really true. Around that time there was also one girl who was spreading nasty lies about one of them and was trying to manipulate others into hating him and once I could sort of disprove one of her lies. That was one of very few times when I spoke up in any social situation, but I guess it might have contributed to them changing their opinion on me.

I really didn’t have “high school social experiences” until my senior year.

I was a pariah until my senior year. After that, things got a little better. I met my first steady girlfriend then.

--warning, discussion of bullying, could be distressing to some--

When I first started high school they were a little worried about me socially. I was put into this class for shy quiet kids and we'd have to do exercises that required socialising with one another. At first I stuck with my friends from Primary school...friends being a rather loose term. We were becoming rather different people and I kept the friendships going even though I couldn't stand them most of the time. To complicate matters, a mother of one of the girls was essentially forcing us to be friends or she'd report me for bullying. So I kept up appearances since I was essentially being blackmailed. I didn't like the girl though, she wasn't very nice and was manipulative of my other friend.

However, I started to branch out and make friends with new people whilst keeping up with the facade. I wasn't exactly popular but I was well-known and accepted into a variety of groups despite being bullied sometimes. Unfortunately the bullying happened a lot. I got targeted for quite a few things. People would get made fun of for being friends with me, some didn't care and stayed my friends anyway. Others couldn't take it and avoided me after that.

There was a lot of homophobia at that school. If a boy was close friends with a girl and didn't make a move on her (family relatives excluded, of course) then rumours tended to start regarding his sexuality. So when a boy was friends with me it was fairly brave of him, facing potential backlash. You didn't want to be assumed gay in that school. Chances are it wouldn't end well for you. Unfortunately I knew a guy who came out as gay and he was attacked by people he thought were his friends. That's the kind of environment I grew up in.

When boys did have feelings for me they were sometimes made fun of. Apparently it was gay to like me because apparently I acted like a boy. I was actually asked at one point if I was trans and I got questions like "why do you act like a gay guy?" or remarks such as "You don't count as a girl". So my gender identity and every so often my sexuality was called into question. Thankfully I'm now in a place in my life where I feel comfortable to be openly gay, but I wasn't back then.

I got picked on for apparently being ugly. One time I was doodling and a guy came up to me. He remarked "Look, she's making that paper something she'll never be...pretty". On the plus side, that's a big complement towards my art.

However, whenever I did something as simple as straightening my hair I was picked on for being attention seeking and accused of promiscuity. So I couldn't really win. I got asked about why I didn't wear make-up or let my hair down. Yet whenever I did suddenly became the centre of attention and I wasn't comfortable with that. I wanted more than anything to fade into the background in high school. Unfortunately, you don't exactly do that by helping the class clown extend his vocabulary so he can insult the teacher, or by standing your ground against a different teacher that the majority of the school was afraid of. I wasn't doing a very good job of blending in.

My real friends in high school were far and few between. The vast majority I was friends with weren't really my friends. People were curious about getting to know the seemingly quiet girl who acted in surprisingly bold ways. They wanted to try and figure me out. Quite a few things didn't seem to add up about me from an outsider's perspective. Why is she dating a guy that she doesn't seem interested in? Also, why did they break up? Is it me, or did that guy seem as though he could be gay? She could be cute but never dresses up or lets her hair down, why? How come she's so skittish about physical contact? Why do her friends not hug her? Is she gay? Lately I've heard she was checking out some of the girls. Does she want to transition to male? Why is she always in her own world? She acts so shy and quiet but she can actually be quite brave sometimes, it's strange. Is it just an act? Why is she so cocky yet seemingly not confident the rest of the time? Do we even know what she's actually like? How come the popular kids hang out with her? Why do the nerds? How is she in so many groups, yet so plain and dull? Are they taking pity on her?

Suffice to say, I didn't like school. I only started to enjoy education when I became sixteen and started a two year course. At that point I'd moved to a different part of the country so I got a brand new start which helped. I didn't have many friends but I was close with the few I did have. Plus I was no longer being bullied. I was bullied periodically numerous times basically throughout the entirety of primary (4-10 years) and secondary school (11 and I had just turned 16 when I left). Both physically and emotionally. Got picked on by boys and girls. That's why I have had panic attacks in small spaces before because that's a phobia my bullies targeted several times. I get nightmares. Admittedly I'm not even sure if I started out with that fear and it became worse due to my experiences, or if I developed it as a direct result.

I'm still in high school, but I want to talk here anyways.

I started high school with zero friends since middle school stripped me of them. I thought that going in, high school would socially be an extension of middle school, with all of those stupid cliques and unnecessary competition. I was sort of correct, but not completely. Over time, I ended up making friends. I have around 5 right now. As for the other parts of my high school social life, here they are:

Unlike in middle school, I have never observed any real gossip about me in high school. I also was never bullied in high school unlike in middle school.

But I also want to mention that there are people in my high school life who fear me because of who I am, because of who I am as a unique person who breaks a lot of social norms. This reminds me of middle school all over again, where conformity was a must. Unfortunately, there are still people who will laugh at you for being different, and while this doesn't happen to me very often, it has happened to other groups like the special ed kids.

So while I'm not exactly a pariah at my school, I'm not super popular either.

I'm still in a year that would be included in High School, if I was in America.

I'm still not quite sure how the American system works but we start secondary education in year 7 which is when you are 11. I'm currently 17. A few years had to pass before I made proper, good, healthy friends but before that I was in many 'friend' groups. In most of them I was not really included in things, with people making plans in front of me but not asking me if I wanted to go. In general I was a very non threatening person who no one really cared to try and have contact with and I would find people let things slip around me constantly because I was forgotten. My peers, though they left me out of things nearly all of the time, were oddly protective of me if I was upset though. I had a few bad experiences outside of just being manipulated in general but that was because my school was messed up and not may can say someone went behind them with a knife more than once. I was always out of the loop with gossip though but I think that reflects the people I spoke to more.

I did eventually make good friends though but I and another left the school the next year. In my new school I didn't really have to deal with any problems, spare one rumour that briefly went around about me and my group of friends which we quickly proved wrong. It hurt me a lot though to have people think I was capable of being what they said. Now in college I have another large group of friends who are again, out of the loop. I basically learnt that I tend to not gel with popular people and tend to attract those who are neurodiverse, not really a conformist in some way or basically just differ from the norm. That isn't insulting those who are, I just can't fully belong with them.

I think in general I get on well with people now but I wonder if that is due to some generational differences, and not really to do with me personally. I still will never be in the loop though...

I think the latter half has definitely been the better one.

I had just gone out of being bullied for 3 years in middle school and I had finally found a good friend to stick by, who was 1 year younger. Then we drifted apart cause a family friend of hers joined us and I decided to leave cause that girl was very manipulative and would be very sneaky. She was nice but a few times she made remarks about me being awkward and I wanted to have a group of friends that didn’t get annoyed by me. Soon after I started hanging out with one of the popular girls surprisingly because her best friend left her and I was alone too so in need she tried to be my friend and I masked a lot and mimicked the humor that she had, I had been observing her for about a year and a half and she had some special jokes that I also enjoyed and used. I was so proud of myself that I did that, we were glued on each other 24/7 and it was amazing. I mean I still wasn’t social with others and it bothered her that I had almost no other friends but she found me very funny and basically my dream was true, I had a really pretty and popular bestie.

My high school was a new build and large and bussed in people from all over - we were all fish out of water. So grade 10 wasn't bad, and they offered tons of interesting courses. But in grade 11 I found partying and booze and some much older friends. I have a lot of stories that I can't tell my children. I never finished school although I tried. Skipped all the time but would go to write exams. So I have a few grade 11/12 credits with barely passable grades. At school I was friends with the misfits (I thought they were fine). I did go out with the basketball captain for a few days (what an ahole) and most of my teachers seemed to like me (when I showed up).

I think I had a very interesting experience in High School when I look back. It was one of the best an undiagnosed Aspie could get.

I went to a Protestant High School in Montréal and in our cultural context, that meant a multi-ethnic school. I was generally the only white, Old Stock Canadian girl in the classroom. We were such a diverse bunch, I felt very little pressure to fit in. I could not change my skin colour or my culture, so I did my own thing. We also wore a uniform (a colour uniform, white top, black bottom) and that simplified the whole fashion issue for me. I was blessed to meet people from almost every culture on the globe, so I learned a lot from that and that incited me to try defining my own cultural identity.

I was not popular, but I was seen as intelligent, talented and a "good girl", and people respected me for it, especially teachers. I made friends easily enough, but those friends were usually nerds or loners, but I didn't care.

I look back at those years with great fondness. They were years of artistic exploration and intellectual pursuit. My mother was very strict and demanding with me growing up, but she started slacking off when I was thirteen and allowed me to go after activities I cared about. My best memories revolve around the books I borrowed from the school's library and those I ordered through Scholastic. I always spent my lunch hour at the library.

The only bad memory I have is my struggle with dyscalculia. I have always hated math. But for a couple of years, I had a good teacher who understood I had a logical approach to math and she made it a bit easier for me. I got the best grades I ever got in math in her classes.

I guess it is relevant to mention I did not care much about romance.

i had a few friends from specific areas of interest but i hung out alone most of the time. before school started i would sit in the secluded art hallway and at lunch i would hang out in the band room. if i wanted to i would sit with some other weirdos at lunch but even then i would finish early and go to the band room.
in the warmer months i could also go to the horticulture greenhouse to get away.
and the painting teacher would write me passes for nearly anything because i always had my assignments done and i spent a lot of extra time there.

i was a quiet and good student and that gave me a lot of leeway. even if i was walking through the hallways about to ditch no one questioned me. my few friends were also chill with my weird behaviors because they understood weirdness.

high school was easy. it's not so easy to deal with corporate peers/s**ts.

Well, it is a very long time ago, but I never finished high school (secondary school in the UK). I left at 15 with a profound eating disorder and never returned. Both my sons (one diagnosed with ASD, the other referred, but not pursuing formal diagnosis) also failed to complete secondary education due to problems with mental ill health.

The mental health issues, I am sure, related to difficulties with the complex interactions of adolescents and the extra academic pressure. Fear of failure was a common factors in my experience and in the experience of my sons.

I returned to education many years later and achieved much more than I expected.

I got along equally well with the ambitious jocks as I did the outcasts/stoners/goths, which has messed up my love life as it's made me equally attracted to both types even though they're polar opposites in terms of personality

Despite me trying really hard to fit in with a specific group of girls I met in middle school that I thought were cool and nice (they weren't "popular" girls and would probably have been considered outsiders and looking back, they weren't nice at all), I struggled a lot with social stuff. I often got taken advantage of by those girls and they would make fun of me and then also laugh when I didn't realize I was being insulted and used. I got made fun of for being overweight and bad at sports in gym class as well as for wearing "out of style" and "boring" clothes because I would dress very plain most of the time to try to avoid standing out. I did have one friend who I am still friends with but depending on our class schedules, we had years where we saw each other a couple classes a day or not at all. The more "popular" girls were always the athletes in my school and they would always harass me and call me a "loser", a "pig" because of my weight, "crazy", and then words I don't want to repeat. Senior year, I kind of found a group of genuinely nice girls (including the one I still am close friends with) and we all went to our senior prom together and would sit together at lunch.

Academically, I did okay. I graduated with an 89.5 GPA. I was often distracted by my peers that were harassing me and it took away my ability to work and focus at times sadly but when my mind was able to focus, I did well.

I don't know why more American schools don't have school uniform, as at least then kids won't pick on you for the clothes you wear.
Mind you, the way I wore my uniform was probably a dead giveaway. Having your top shirt button constantly done up was considered 'geeky' or 'goody-goody', so I did actually have my top button undone to look cool and rebellious. But I spoilt it by having my trousers pulled up too high (I suppose I did that because I was skinny but didn't want to wear a belt). Also I had my tie long while most girls had their tie rather short. It's a good thing I didn't wear a skirt and showed my hairy legs, because I never shaved my legs until 2 or 3 girls pointed and laughed at my hairy legs as I was getting into the swimming-pool.
I do wish I'd taken better care of myself because girls are judged more by their appearance and I might have fitted in more if I looked a bit more feminine. Even on non-uniform days I used to go to school in boys clothes while all the other girls dressed in more stylish girly clothes, even the tomboys did.

I went to two high schools, because my family went to California after my grandfather's suicide. It was the mid-80's during the "Valley Girl" phenomenon. You can only imagine how brutal that was.

Both schools were horrendous. I wouldn't go back to high school to save my life.

The CA school was the type where all the classrooms were entered from outdoors, with a large courtyard. There weren't really any corridors or indoor spaces to hide other than tables to eat outside. With my agoraphobia and aversion to sunlight it was unbearable to be exposed like that.

With both schools I hid in the library and made no attempt at any social activities. I assumed everyone hated me and didn't even try to make friends. I spent all my time reading and wishing I were invisible.

In The Breakfast Club, I would be Ally the gifted recluse who felt ignored by her family. I was mute and isolated. However, I dressed more like Claire the preppy character because my grandmother was a model. I had a look to uphold whether I wanted to or not. I think the paradox of my clothes vs my personality confused everyone, and I was an enigma.

((ALLY))