I've recently come to discover that I am autistic (high-functioning). This is a self-diagnosis and I'm seeking to obtain a clinical diagnosis but am very confident that I am on the spectrum. Prior to recently, I would not even have considered this as a possible diagnosis for myself, after all I am able to socialize, have a Masters Degree, a career, husband, home and the appearance of a happy life. That is until some small, minor, seemingly out of nowhere thing upsets me, and then I act out like a small child, crying & screaming, unable to cope and needing days to stabilize.
I knew I was anxious, depressed, struggled with eating disorders on and off, had lots of interpersonal conflict all my life, was often misunderstood, didn't really "fit in" with my peers but I thought this was all normal. I thought everyone dealt with this, that this was a natural response to a chaotic, harsh and often senseless world. The realization hit me like a ton of bricks, as if every puzzle piece had sunk into its place. For the first time I can see the picture of my life and don't feel crazy. My mind may be different from most other peoples' but I am not crazy.
It is liberating and heart-breaking all at once. All the times in childhood I was called difficult, it pains me to realize that the people I most loved more easily thought of me as difficult than to consider the possibility that there was more under the surface and seek help. I am 28 years old, and for the first time when I look in the mirror I really see myself. There I've always been and yet still hidden even from myself. I've internalized so much shame for my meltdowns, so much grief for the times I couldn't be what those around me wanted/needed and how much pain in caused me to struggle to understand what it was that was so different about me.
I didn't think of myself as being different, I was just going through my life, trying to make friends, wanting to have deep and interesting conversations and that made me "weird". I have some NT interests and am better able to tolerate normal socialization such as going to crowded bars or restaurants, than most from what I've read. At times, I've even been able to enjoy these spaces, but then there is the one time that I don't and boom - full blown public meltdown during my late 20s and the shame, embarrassment and fear of my behavior surges through me for days/weeks.
It's been harder to keep up "the act". That is probably what has driven me to this self-realization, depression that lasted days was now lasting weeks. Bad moments are more frequent, my burnout is at an all-time high even though my activity is at an all time low. In trying to understand my new lows and how much more difficult managing day to day life had been, I started to realize that I was tired of "acting" happy and confident and sociable. It took me a while to fully realize it is because I truly was always just acting. The act was so second nature, such a everyday part of my life that it had escaped me that I was acting. It took effort, but I was always efforting, so I didn't realize what I was doing. I had nothing to compare it to that would enable me to realize that I was not being my authentic self.
It isn't clear cut either, some people I am social around. Some people do bring out a happy and energetic side of me. The difference I'm starting to notice is situations where I'm trying to communicate an idea or issue to my boss for example but my mind is working on overtime trying to keep my body language, posture and facial expression "correct" that I have no space or energy left for what it is I am trying to communicate. The result is my sounding unprepared or confused and it's such a painful experience because that is never the case, in fact I over prepare in anticipation of this but still I cannot come across "correctly".
I don't know what this all means for me now. I have to tell my husband, my family and friends, but don't know how. I anticipate being met with skepticism and denial, but I'm learning to be grounded in my own truth. Thank you for reading.
19 Jun 2020, 10:44 am
