Anyone else afraid of getting pregnant?

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My mum and dad want a grandchild and I'd love to have a baby, but the only thing is I'm terrified of pregnancy, like absolutely terrified. I'm frightened of the changes it makes to my body, nausea and sickness, miscarriages (I've known quite a few women who have had miscarriages unexpectedly and had to be hospitalized because of it), and the most scariest of all - childbirth, whether it's natural or by C-section. My aunt had a C-section and it left her with a big scar across her tummy and she says her bladder has never been the same since.

And I seem to cringe at the thought of anything coming in or out of my vagina. I've tried having smear tests several times but each time it's been impossible, it is the WORST pain I have ever had and I felt like my bladder was being pierced to shreds. It felt like I was being probed by aliens. So if I cannot physically handle a smear test then how the hell can I handle childbirth???

Childbirth is apparently extremely painful. I read somewhere that childbirth is as painful as being burnt alive, and I can't even touch a relatively hot plate without screaming. And the labour pains are apparently very agonizing period pains, and I've had to go on the contraceptive pill because of normal period pains being so unbearably painful to the point where I was sick.

So all this puts me off getting pregnant. And don't even think about suggesting adoption - I've looked into that too and apparently you've got to be young, rich, 100% mentally well-adjusted and 100% physically healthy to be qualified for adopting a baby, so that's out of the question for me and my boyfriend (he has physical health issues and I have ASD, ADHD and anxiety disorder).

It's such a dilemma. If I was a guy my parents would have been grandparents years ago if I had a relationship with a girl who wasn't scared of pregnancy. At least guys don't have to go physically through all that pregnancy and childbirth business.

It sounds like a legitimate fear, Joe, for all the reasons you describe.

I've mentioned pelvic floor physiotherapy for your physical concerns (vaginismus), but you also have phobias including emetophobia and tokophobia. It's understandable that when combining all three issues, you feel scared. I don't want to freak you out, but pregnancy also involves many internal exams both manually and with instruments. There's a lot to consider so it's good you are aware of the stressors.

I hope you don't feel pressured to have a baby when you feel so much apprehension. Your body is your own, not your parents' or your in-laws'. If you aren't comfortable with the thought of pregnancy or childbirth you are justified to choose no. If you do decide to proceed, I hope you'll seek the physical and emotional support that you'll need. I'd recommend talking to your GP and getting referrals for PFR and for your phobias, with specialists who are compassionate and aware of your apprehension.

Good luck and hugs.

I don't feel pressured, I just naturally feel rather broody. A few of my cousins are pregnant and it must be so fun preparing for the new arrival. Brightly-coloured baby toys attract me for some reason, and often I go into toy stores just to look at all the wonderful toys in there. I just get satisfaction from the colours and the texture (no, I don't desire to play).

I do feel like my biological clock is ticking now that I'm 30, and I wonder if later on in life I will regret not having children? When I talk about this to other women my age, they always say "well, it will all be worth it because you'll have a baby!" While that is true, I still cannot face all the pain, mess, fear, and everything else that goes with pregnancy and childbirth. It feels overwhelming just thinking about it. I've tried educating myself of what happens during childbirth by watching things on YouTube, but it just resulted in me being repulsed by childbirth and I crossed my legs in a panic and turned the screen off.

I think I'll cope fine once the baby is born. It's suffering physical pain in my body that is distressing for me. That is one reason why I hate being sick. It's because your body is doing uncomfortable and painful things that your mind doesn't want it to do, and I suppose it's the same with childbirth. And some people even vomit during childbirth. I know I will, because abdomenal or pelvic pains cause me to want to be sick. It must be as bad as being tortured.

I have pet rats that I count as my babies. My boyfriend tells me off for buying them so many toys and things they don't really use, but I say it's because I'm feeling broody and my motherly instincts are reacting to my rats.

Hi Joe! For now I have a suggestion for you. Spend some time with your pregnant cousins, observe and ask questions. When the babies come keep on visiting - and bring brightly coloured toys for presents! Bring your partner along too so you can see how he is with kids. You'll realize soon enough if motherhood is actually for you, or if you prefer to be a favourite auntie.

Better yet, visit parents of teenagers and ask them how much they are enjoying it.

Pregnancy and childbirth are a piece of cake compared to getting through teenage years. Babies do not stay little. All that brooding you like to do goes out the window after the first few years.

Well, that will be easier if COVID-19 didn't exist.....

I would recommend reading "The Birth Partner." It is a VERY comprehensive book about pregnancy, and especially labor and delivery. It is written for doulas (trained birth companions), but I found it extremely helpful - I feel much better about medical procedures and my body when I know what is going on and potential outcomes. And also know that (at least in the US) you can decline all the internal exams until delivery. I had zero until they were checking how dilated I was in labor. Knowing my rights and the pros and cons of all the procedures was helpful too, so I felt in control of my body.

I also had issues with cervical exams...they freaked me out and hurt enough to make my eyes water. So you aren't alone in finding those a big deal...

But I won't lie, labor without meds HURTS. It was worse than a pap smear during the end of contractions ("transition") and the part when the head comes out. But it stops hurting completely between each contraction, so you get breaks. The first half was honestly easier than a lot of periods I've had for that reason. But my friends who got epidurals swear by them...I just was freaked out by the idea of not being in control of my legs. Anyway, read the book so you can learn about your options and see if any seem doable.

I would also strongly recommend spending significant time with young children...like share a vacation home with a family for a week, and be around the kids 24/7 (when that becomes an option again). I was reasonably prepared for pregnancy and labor and delivery, but I was NOT prepared for how my noise sensitivities, dislike of some forms of physical touch, and sleep deprivation would come into play once a noisy baby was waking me up every few hours and screaming and wanting to be touching me alllll the time. I love my kid, but I was not prepared for the added stress. I almost had a complete breakdown...or maybe did have one. Either way, it was not pretty for a while. Now I have some coping strategies and do much better.

Parenthood isn't required, but hopefully those ideas will help you decide.

I have GAD (in addition to ASD) and was completely delusional about pregnancy and birth until it slapped me in the face (so to say) and yet I would do it again in a heartbeat. I had trauma related to repeated pregnancy loss ---- but I would do it all again for what I have now. I got inured to the exams. My pregnancies went well enough. Knowing I was sensitive to medications, I prepared for med-free childbirths and did it (having a midwife was far better for me than a doctor). Having children is very stressful and very rewarding. It is wonderful to parent my ASD-like daughter in a kind, supportive, encouraging way --- in that way, I heal.

At one point I was so down and out and wondering how could I do it if I was a complete mess just contemplating it all, and my therapist said, "don't worry, you'll do what you have to do." She was wonderfully right.

For context, I'm about six months pregnant with my first one. So far, it's been incredibly smooth sailing. I haven't had any nausea, and all the changes to my body have been so gradual that I've had enough time to get used to everything. Sure, I miss being able to hug my knees to my chest, but this is just temporary, so I can deal with it.

What worries me most about childbirth is, what if it's really embarrassing? The pain is not so much a concern, although having my IUD put in and taken out was really painful. I've read about pain relieving options, but apparently the body naturally releases endorphins and oxytocin for that, so I think I'm gonna try and get by on that. And if the pain does get too bad, I can always ask for something else; my mother recommended laughing gas.

I had all kinds of worries about pregnancy and having kids before getting pregnant, but they were all overridden by this overwhelming feeling that was telling me that I can't ever be truly happy and content until I've popped out a kid or two. But that's just me. I know women who don't want kids and are happy with their decision. I'm sorry I can't be more helpful, but this is something everyone has to weigh out for themselves.

Some people say "you might not get morning sickness" and "I didn't get morning sickness when I was pregnant", but I do know that morning sickness is common in pregnancy, and even if I don't get it, I know I'll vomit during the birth because usually abdomen pains make me vomit. When I was a teenager I used to get ill when I had periods, and I wasn't milking it. I had to take two or three days off school each month because I just couldn't bear the terrible period cramps I suffered. They'd last up to 3 hours or more, and were so bad that I was crawling around the house on my hands and knees instead of walking. Even pain-killers didn't always work and so I just had hold a hot water bottle on my tummy all day. I lost my appetite and was often wretching with pain in the toilet (but didn't physically vomit). So the doctor had to put me on the contraceptive pill when I was 18 because the period pains were disrupting my life too much. It was like getting flu every month. I'm still on the pill now.

I think that experience of period pains have put me off getting pregnant, especially knowing that labour pains are like one big period pain more painful than regular period pains, as well as your pelvis opening up. And it's so messy! It's as messy as peeing and pooping (diarrhea) right there on the bed.

Oh, that's another thing. What if I do poop (or even fart) whilst giving birth, in front of the midwives? To me I find farting and pooping in front of other people more undignifying than opening up my legs.

^ In some places it's possible to empty one's stomach before a childbirth so that nothing else will come out. Don't know if that's a thing in the UK, though.

I'm not really afraid of the idea of pregnancy itself; I think I'd be able to handle morning sickness and normal birth giving pains. What does scare me is the idea of something going horribly wrong plus the idea of needing a C-section because I know from experience that wounds around that area are painful and take long to heal. I wouldn't get one unless absolutely necessary.

I'm also scared of horribly messing up while taking care of a very small baby... I'm clumsy; what if I drop it!? This actually scares me more than the idea of giving birth...

I think my problem is just fear of uncertainty of how my body's going to react to pregnancy and birth.

I have problems with pelvic exams as well. I refuse them now. An OB-Gyn told me they are not necessary as long as

A. you've had at least one with normal results, and
B. you aren't having vaginal intercourse with a male partner.

If you have to have one, try asking for the pediatric speculum. It is smaller. But please don't feel pressured to have these routine exams or to have a baby. Some women have been seriously injured by childbirth, so your fears are realistic.

I don't know what kind of child care systems you have in your country, but maybe taking in a foster child/orphan is a better option (if you decide you actually want a child) than adoption.

I keep reading in magazines how vital it is to have smear tests and how they could save your life. They even practically get on their knees and beg you to be checked every 3 years.
But I don't have sex with my boyfriend any more, not because we don't love each other, but because he has a low sex drive and we find other ways to be intimate.

I'm not really sure about fostering, as it's not really the same as having a child of your own and being a family. Usually foster children are only temporary, whereas I'd prefer to call a child my own and have full responsibility of him or her right until they're 18. Fostering is not the same as adoption. My aunt fosters a 4-year-old, and the kid is very troubled for her age because she's been abused in her short past.
I do wish I could adopt though, a tiny baby so that people will think I had it myself. I would love to adopt. It's not fair how people who aren't fit at all to be parents are free to get pregnant and have babies, but people who are unable to get pregnant for whatever reason can only adopt if they are superior (couldn't think of another word for it but it basically explains my point). I think I'd make a great mother. My hormones are really going to waste.

That's completely understandable. There's so much focus on all the negatives (e.g. morning sickness) regarding pregnancy that it seems like that's all there is to it. From what I've read on pregnancy forums, the general attitude is that you're supposed to just endure and push through the nine months, and at the end of it you get the prize a.k.a. a baby. You are not alone, but I guess most people have it less severe than you.

But anyway, you said you'd love to adopt. That's a lovely idea. Have you actually looked into adopting? You might be a perfectly acceptable candidate. (Or not, I don't really know anything about you or adoption ^^')

I am or used to think I was dead set against getting pregnant but these last few months I seen myself actually picture myself pregnant with my partners baby.

I won't lie a few times I considered not taking my pill and surprising him but I am afraid of how he would react.

He wouldn't be violent or anything but he lost a daughter when she died young so scared to think how having a baby would go down.

Part of me thinks he would dote on me and the baby and I crave that bit a part of me worries he would be detatched and cold.