What are "levels" in relationships?

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Requesting that only women reply in this thread.  Men, please just pay attention.  Thank you.

@ Women: What are the "levels" in a relationship?  I keep hearing and reading phrases from women (never men) like, "Taking this relationship to the next level"; but what does it mean?  What are these "levels"?  Is there a checklist somewhere that women follow?

I seriously want to know, so I am going to back out of this thread and wait for your answers.

Thank you,

Fnord

My long reply was wiped out by the security check and I hadn't copied it b/c that hasn't happened in a while. Boo. Lucky for you maybe, the short version:

A level to me is emotional connection, although mental and physical connections contribute (interconnected after all). Since I tend to trust (too) easily and (over)share, it's the other person's demonstration of trust and sharing that determine our level. I took a Get-Employed (Workforce Center) workshop recently and it talked about relationship levels starting with Stranger, Acquaintance, Friend up to Intimate (professionally or personally outside the workplace). It was laughable to me since apparently a person is supposed to start by being guarded and progress to being open --- I find my ASD friends that are like me are mostly open at all levels ("stranger danger" (and independence) phooey), while those who are like my BFF are mostly guarded at all levels ("intimacy" (and dependence) phooey). Today a guarded friend of mine opened up a bit more, so we are at the next level. And, despite my "I'm-so-open" speech above, I do open up more (unmask) as a relationship progresses. When I start getting negative signals, the relationship stalls at that level --- well, it should, but again, I'm naive in that way.

I searched online and find interesting graphics of relationship levels, including one for romantic relationship ("Relationship Escalation") that indicates how the type and frequency of communication correlate to levels. Marriage is at top, but clearly that has levels also... oversimplification as usual.

I don't think there's a check list... or maybe there is in some circles, like a group of friends might have a shared check list, but I highly doubt it's a universal one.
Others might mean it differently, but I've always thought it means taking the next big step in a relationship. Like, from going to dates with each other to dating exclusively, from living separately to living together, from just unofficially being in a relationship to getting engaged (which is usually meant to be a promise of marriage.) Also, for those who consider sex a bit bigger deal than something you can do with whoever you pick up from a bar, having sex with one's partner for the first time can also be considered one of those big steps.

BTW, I've never heard either men or women say this stuff in real life, but have heard both say it in fiction. Maybe you've heard only women say it 'cause they've picked it up from some soap opera? I mean, from what I know, women watch more of those.

I guess I'd take it to mean the progression of it developing into a serious long term relationship.
1.meeting
2.dating
3.having sex
4.deciding to be exclusive/make it official your a couple
4.moving in together
5.perhaps some day signing a marriage certificate(but for the time being that would mean less SSI for me and me and my boyfriend need his income and my SSI to afford where we live). And just doing something fun for us if we do rather than having the hellish time that is a wedding.

At least that is how my current relationship is progressed/is progressing

in the past I had tried
1. meeting
2. having sex
3. dating
that did not work out so well.

- meeting
- dating
- trusting
- becoming exclusive
- trusting again
- being yourself
- confiding
- learning conflict resolution
- testing what you learned ^
- time apart / independence
- trusting
- agreeing on what you each want (live alone, live together, etc)
- (for some couples): engagement

Not all couples have sex, but if they do:
- talking about birth control, safe sex, getting STD testing, etc beforehand
- communicating about it afterward

Meeting each other's family can also be a level, especially if it involves coming out LGBTQ.

This is probably a useless reply but I think it's a problem I have with these "levels" you talk about. I'm doing everything wrong because to me there aren't really any levels. Either i'm in a relationship with someone or i'm not. Like either we are friends (not in a relationship) or we are living together and being together in all ways ideally forever. Everything in between is extremely confusing for me and I don't see the point of pursuing relationships that hang out in ambiguous zones for so long. I think about it like anything else you do in life. You don't do it halfway. You don't "kind of" work at the office. You don't "kind of" wear shoes. There aren't levels to it. It either is or it isn't.

Again, probably a very unhelpful reply, but this is my experience/approach (which of course doesn't work and everyone gets upset at me for it but I don't see the point in "kind of" being with someone).

I really like your response and I can understand it perfectly. I relate because that's how I was in the past (20-30 years ago). I had a "He loves me, he loves me not" attitude, meaning if I was in a relationship then I was all-in. In retrospect a lot of it was masking. I've seen my diaries from when I was with my first boyfriend (later husband) and dear God, I was miserable ... but it didn't occur to me to have stages, to self-advocate, or to back out if needed. I was too loyal to consider breaking up or changing the dynamic.

I've learned a lot about relationships having almost 20 years on my own, and dealing with trauma. My current bf and I do something akin to levels because we both have PTSD and he's also bereaved. I think it's been helpful for us to move slowly, and Covid lockdowns also kept us from seeing each other very often for the past year. The lockdowns pretty much forced us to move through a series of stages. It would have been very easy to dive in head-first but I'm glad we're doing this right.

I understand the feeling of being "all in, or what's the point?", but now that I'm older I have kids and my boyfriend has kids, and we have to be respectful of their feelings and needs. So we can't just move in together and try to "Brady Bunch" things. (That reference is to an old American TV show you may never have heard of!)

Also, for me, my bf meeting my family was a big step. I didn't want them to invest emotional energy in getting to know someone who was going to dump me soon after. For other people, meeting family may be no big deal.
Also, I am always exclusive (I only date one person at a time, and I only date people who act the same way) so there is no "non-exclusive" level for me.

So I think the levels are not the same for everyone. My bf says you have to communicate a lot to learn what the person you are in a relationship with means by "the next level."

For me, it is measured using labels, depth, and commitment. I think levels have an individual meaning though for each woman, for example, dating to marriage. These are surface-level commitments that could have no other meaning than the titles themselves with no change in emotional or other connection.

My own example would be this:
Dating: Is there a connection? Do I only want this one? Do I feel safe? Do I want to keep him safe? Exclusivity.
So the level would be we are dating so I can figure out if I feel safe and want to keep him safe and is there a connection, if so then I would want to date exclusively.

Best Friend, Sexual Involvement, BF/GF, Partner would be the next levels for me for someone else it might be dating and sex, followed by exclusivity, then bf/gf, and then engagement, and marriage and kids.

Does this help?