"Couldn't your wife take the leave?"

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Despite working in a male-dominated field, I never experienced much discrimination... until I had children. When I became a mother, it became obvious to everyone that I was the one to drop everything when my children needed it.

A little thing that hurt me. The kids were still very small and they were sick all the time - when one got better, the other got something - you know this stage in toddler life. I had a seminar to prepare and I freaking needed time and focus for it. So, my husband took medical leave for child care - so I could go to Uni and prepare that seminar before the deadline.

When he showed the leave to his HR, the HR lady asked him:
Couldn't your wife stay with the children?

Just a stupid remark showing something that hurts me. I know labor division is just a survival strategy. I know it was rational that my husband's well-paying engineering job stays when we suddenly needed to free additional resources to cope, and my poorly-paying academic job is less crucial to our survival.
But it hurts. I've done what had to be done to get this family unit through various crises. I'm still doing it. Support each and every of them with their conflicting needs and issues. Be someone each of them can turn to.

Today my husband realized he has 15 years of high-quality professional experience. He's just one year older than me.
My career is on an indefinite standby and, even though my boss wants me back, I just don't have power to do any work after being the family manager. I have to refuse him because I know I couldn't do anything.

It hurts.

After writing the above, I encountered this: https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20 ... t-than-men

Oh boy, this is a subject I could go on and on about, and I don't even have kids... well, guess the subject I'd be going on about would be more like gender inequality in general.

Your situation is a very common one, unfortunately. While men often work more paid hours in whatever company they work for, on average, women tend to do way more unpaid housework, including the ones who work outside of home. The situation's slowly getting better, in developed places at least, but Covid is unfortunately setting things back pretty much everywhere. Add the fact that if there's something wrong with the house or the children, people tend to automatically blame the mother first. Not the parents, the mother. Like it's a given that in families, women should work more than men. 'Cause you know, if both people work outside the house but only one inside, then one definitely ends up doing more work than the other, and usually it's the woman.

For your personal situation, do you have to be the family manager? Would it be possible for you and your husband to share those responsibilities? If he took on less of his paid work, he'd have more time for housework, which would free some of your time, and you might be able to return to the workforce, at least partly. Or is your husband's workplace the kind of place where one can only be either entirely committed or not there at all? Or is he incapable of handling any housework? If yes, why? Is he somehow unable to learn, or has he simply not learned because he has not had to do so?

This is the kind of topic that would be good to be discussed among WP members in general but, honestly, knowing this forum, it would quickly be filled with misogyny and sexism.

I used to be married to a mathematician and he had mathematician friends. These are people with PhDs and doing research into the upper atmosphere of theoretic mathematics. We were sitting around after dinner one day and they started talking about a graduate student who was present. One of them insisted that you could not do real mathematics if you were pregnant or had children.

We argued for some time, but he was adamant: Having children precluded that ability to do theoretical mathematics.

When I was in college, I had to take chemistry and I was having some trouble with it. I asked the professor for help and he refused stating it would be a waste of his valuable time to teach me, when all I would do was get married and have children.

I can keep going on and on. It is insulting, it hurts, and perhaps it motivates some women to work to becomes two or three times better than their male peers, but I was/am not one of them.

I'm so sorry you are experiencing this, magz. Big hugs.

@Fireblossom He does part of the housework. Groceries and cooking are his regular responsibilities and possibly much cleaning - we both hate it so we share. And he's the one struggling with construction workers in the new apartment, which is quite a load right now.

He lacks skills to work with the kids most of the time. That's the main problem - it's difficult for both of us but I make the extra effort to cope, which leaves me exhausted. Both of us have rather low emotional intelligence and I'm doing my best to compensate. When I don't, the whole family collapses emotionally into chaos of yelling and crying. It's a hard work that is difficult and completely invisible until it's missing. Worse than cleaning. But I don't want my kids growing up in a little hell, so I do all the therapist and moderator work at home...

Can my husband work less? That would be problematic financially. You see, girls from my field drop out because they start families and are expected to care for the children, while guys from my field drop out because they start families and are expected to earn real money. Academic work is very unreliable as a source of income, at least here. And even if my husband did work less, he's unlikely to take the burden of something he has no idea how to do.

Yep. You were sort of left “holding the bag,” Magz. Having to sacrifice your career for children when the man wasn’t forced to make that sacrifice.

I looked into a lab class at the college where I work. Most of the students were women.

I met a chemistry professor who is a woman while I was walking the halls for exercise.

The perceptions of women vis a vis “STEM” fields is changing rapidly for the better.

It sure could be worse! I can imagine infinite possibilities of things being worse. And when my husband realized how bad I am, he took the kids to our friends for all Saturday afternoon and today again, to other friends.
So I have time for myself which ended with digging up my guitar and learning a ballad of a girl who feared funerals. I don't know why post-war Polish poetry recently started to appeal to me but there it is.

“Eleanor Rigby” is sort of like that. About a woman who feared dying alone.

Poetry and other “high arts” are more respected in central and Eastern Europe than many other areas.

Has a Polish poet ever been president or prime minister? I know of at least one Czech literary figure was sort of a “father” of his country.

I hope you’re enjoying playing your guitar.

I don't know of any... and the few current MPs who professionally do art also do exceptionally poor jobs in politics.
Different sets of skills are required, I guess.

ED: oh, of course, Paderewski... but that was 100 years ago. Not a poet. A pianist.

Eh tradition is a stereotype. Women were just expected to stay home with them. Cause their toddlers...they only young for a very small amount of time so eh. Tbh I know a lot of men who are way better at being with their kids than the woman. Why should it hurt? She/he probably had a stay at home mum everyone they knew probably did as wel. It’s not an insult.. they don’t even know you it’s just what was normal. It’s not an attack or an insult some people just prefer to stay home with their kids cause they are nervous about trusting them with some random. Why the hell would it hurt? Take a Panadol?

If you care about your kids then be a hooker get some money and save it or stay at home and save money? You can work whenever. You can’t be a mum forever.