Autism and gender

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Has someone ever said to you that you can't be autistic because you're a woman or non-binary?

Not directly but I've been told I am "too warm" to be Autistic, a characteristic which often aligns with gender. An evaluator who is very involved in the Autism medical community (mis)diagnosed my daughter as "Expressive Language Disorder" and sensory processing issues rather than ASD b/c she said my daughter was socially capable but just didn't "want to" be social. Ummmmmmmm. I found a fantastic article in the UK that talks about Autistic girls "flying under the radar" and it's those that "behave" well (including being friendly) that are overlooked. This would certainly apply to my mom (undiagnosed), myself (diagnosed), my daughter (undiagnosed), my BFF (undiagnosed)...

I would think non-binary would be more highly correlated with ASD than not. Although I consider myself female, I am well aware of my masculine traits. I'm too masculine to be an NT female and too feminine to be ASD person. Hahahahahaha. My 10yo daughter is already facing this conundrum: playing basketball with the boys, but sitting at lunch with the girls. In both cases she's aware that she's allowed or tolerated, not included.

What's going on for you?

I had a similar experience where I was deemed too friendly to be autistic as a child (and I even had someone on here question if I had a diagnosis because something about my "enthusiasm" for socializing "seemed odd" to them). I've also had male friends that are just as "enthusiastic" and friendly, if not more, yet they had a diagnosis. I think in the case of me being refused a diagnosis as a child, that me being female definitely encouraged adults to use my "friendliness" and my constant, unsuccessful attempts to socialize as an excuse to view me as not autistic, just "awkward" and as just not wanting friends badly enough.

No they haven't said that to me.

I wasn't diagnosed until I was turning 50, but I had never sought an opinion prior to that. My assessment result was unequivocal (Level 2). My daughter was also diagnosed on her first assessment, although with a different doctor than mine.

The only rhetoric we hear sometimes from professionals who don't know us well is "Oh, you must be high-functioning!", which is rather condescending and inappropriate. I've learned to say "Actually, no I'm not. I'm just trying to act normal so you won't feel uncomfortable."

Sure as an adult human I can blend enough to pass and function without too much effort.

As a non-binary appearing to be female it never mattered much to me nor it did factored at all.
It only makes certain interactions more predictable to a point, so I'll just take advantage of that.

And yet as a person...
I'm too different and too asocial to be simply dismissed as 'not ND' nor 'autistic enough'.
I can pass sure but without the masking.



Overall it won't matter to me if someone disbelieves the fact I'm autistic.
To me it's more of an indication of who and what kind of person likely this is, than a sign of who I'm based on their options over superficial perceptions -- if they had never dealt with me on daily basis for years, nor ever lived with me under the same roof in long term...

If they had and still disbelieves it, it's just data to me over what kind of a person who holds such opinion over me based on their circumstances -- commonly attributing as simple ignorance, a specific bias over their idea of what autism is, or whatever possible attributes or lens of beliefs they see through with over observing my actions.

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No one has said that, but I did not get diagnosed till I was like 23...and it was because my sister suggested to me I might have autism so I looked into it more. We were are only a year apart in age, she is one year younger but we grew up together even shared a bedroom into our teens till I went to college so she had been able to observe some struggles I had.

Yes. Especially when I was little, when my mom tried to point out her concerns. I've also felt like I was too girly. I feel like I'm so girly in some ways that NT females thought I was just too girly. I love makeup, hair, nails, etc. but I'm not sure if any of them relate, or they just like different styles than me? Idk I'm probably just over analyzing.

From my experience with autistic people, most are not "gender-confused."

Luckily, no-one has ever said that to me, although I know there are absolutely people out there who think that's true, sadly. I just haven't come across any of them. I have, however, seen discussions debunking that argument quite a bit!