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Relationship with NT/Physical contact

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kirakirakira
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20 Aug 2022, 1:35 pm

I was looking for advice from people (women in particular) who were/are in relationship with a neurotypical person. I recently started dating a guy who doesn't have any mental concerns whatsover and I can't help but feel like I'm nothing but a burden for him. While I have pretty good communication skills in terms of being able to joke around, showing empathy (it took a long time to learn), I have a big problem with establishing deeper relationship, not mentioning intimacy. Every time sex was mentioned even as something we plan on doing, it all ended with a meltdown for me, and I wasn't even able to explain why. I haven't ever been sexually assaulted and I don't think I had any trauma connected to this, I feel like I have always been like that. Sex is like a great change and in invasion of my own territory and I'm not sure whether I'll be able to handle it. I love him very much and enjoy spending time with him, but I just can't change myself. I feel like I'm not worthy of love for this reason, because seeing other couples being happy with it makes me feel even more aliented.



TwilightPrincess
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20 Aug 2022, 1:49 pm

Don’t have sex until (or if) you feel ready.

It’s perfectly okay to wait.

It doesn’t make you less deserving of love.


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kirakirakira
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20 Aug 2022, 3:26 pm

Twilightprincess wrote:
Don’t have sex until (or if) you feel ready.

It’s perfectly okay to wait.

It doesn’t make you less deserving of love.


Sometimes it feels like I somewhat make progress towards accepting it, but whenever my s/o becomes more assertive, it feels terrible and considering that I'm taking antidepressants, I have almost no sex drive, but even before I started taking meds I wasn't much of an initiative in terms of any physical contact, even kissing. I would never be able to tell him that I don't find kissing any pleasant and take it mostly as something all couples do, or something he enjoys, and I really want him to be happy. I know for sure that this masking can result pretty badly, but I have no idea how to deal with it. I want to act socially acceptable and viewed this way, but I'm not sure whether it's worth it at the end.



that1weirdgrrrl
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20 Aug 2022, 4:27 pm

Quote:
I have a big problem with establishing deeper relationship, not mentioning intimacy.


I very much can relate to this.

What worked for me was being unabashedly myself. No more masking (it gets exhausting anyway). Eventually I attracted someone who understood me, someone who I was able to actually establish a connection with.

I know it is a sad thought, but not all people are compatible with each other. It does not mean there is anything wrong with you. It does not mean there is anything wrong with him. Sometimes it's just not a great combination.

Try letting down your mask and see how he responds. He might love it. But if he doesn't, then you would do best to look for someone who does.

I wish you all the best fulfillment and happiness in this life :heart:


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kirakirakira
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21 Aug 2022, 4:17 pm

that1weirdgrrrl wrote:
Quote:
I have a big problem with establishing deeper relationship, not mentioning intimacy.


I very much can relate to this.

What worked for me was being unabashedly myself. No more masking (it gets exhausting anyway). Eventually I attracted someone who understood me, someone who I was able to actually establish a connection with.

I know it is a sad thought, but not all people are compatible with each other. It does not mean there is anything wrong with you. It does not mean there is anything wrong with him. Sometimes it's just not a great combination.

Try letting down your mask and see how he responds. He might love it. But if he doesn't, then you would do best to look for someone who does.

I wish you all the best fulfillment and happiness in this life :heart:


Thank you so much for your advice, deep down I know it but it is very exhausting to get to know other people. I really hope that it will result well if I unmask because it's the only problem we've had so far. I'm really happy to hear that there are a lot of ND folks who manage to establish a great relationship and I'm happy for you <3 We all will get there some day



Joe90
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23 Aug 2022, 6:32 pm

Give it time. I think everyone masks to a certain extent when they're first in a relationship. When I first met my NT boyfriend (8 years ago) he kept breaking out in a sweat that soaked his shirt. I didn't say anything but I just assumed that it might be a medical problem or something. But as the months went on I noticed he sweated less and less, and 8 years later it's blatantly obvious that he didn't have a medical problem, he was just sweating around me because he must have felt a bit shy and nervous.

So just give it time. As time goes on both of your (metaphorical) masks will come off without you knowing, and by then you'll be more used to each other.


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Earthbound_Alien
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23 Aug 2022, 7:01 pm

kirakirakira wrote:
I was looking for advice from people (women in particular) who were/are in relationship with a neurotypical person. I recently started dating a guy who doesn't have any mental concerns whatsover and I can't help but feel like I'm nothing but a burden for him. While I have pretty good communication skills in terms of being able to joke around, showing empathy (it took a long time to learn), I have a big problem with establishing deeper relationship, not mentioning intimacy. Every time sex was mentioned even as something we plan on doing, it all ended with a meltdown for me, and I wasn't even able to explain why. I haven't ever been sexually assaulted and I don't think I had any trauma connected to this, I feel like I have always been like that. Sex is like a great change and in invasion of my own territory and I'm not sure whether I'll be able to handle it. I love him very much and enjoy spending time with him, but I just can't change myself. I feel like I'm not worthy of love for this reason, because seeing other couples being happy with it makes me feel even more aliented.


not meaning to sound harsh but please please don't be silly

you don't need to be worthy of love...no one does.
talk to him

please xxx