Seeking adult diagnosis and worried about my children

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Hi, I'm new here. I'm a 45 year old female and I have recently discovered the book Unmasking Autism. It was given to me by my sister in law. She thought it would resonate with me after my brother was diagnosed. I devoured the book and saw myself over and over in it's text. I continue to see myself and my autistic characteristics in YouTube videos and online forums. I'm thinking about seeking diagnosis, maybe. My much bigger concern though is for my children who I also see reflected in this new way of being. I have struggled a lot, but I'm in an okay place. I have a doctorate and a secure income and have been highly productive in life and fairly successful in my own little area of the world.

I don't know what to do about my children. I think they might be masking autists and I don't know what to do about it. I'm worried about so many different things. Do I tell them? Should they seek diagnosis? Will they be labeled in harmful ways? Will they be excluded? Are they being excluded? I'm just....scared, I guess.

I remember talking to my oldest and trying to explain that the world is all theater and sometimes you just say what other people want to hear even if it's not true or what you're thinking on the inside. Part of being in society is everyone agreeing to play in this theater of life and we're all pretending and following the script and that's what makes life easier. I guess I'm realizing, for the first time, that maybe not everyone is pretending.

This realization is so disruptive for me and I keep reading about people online who are relieved. I do not feel relieved at all. I just wonder how some of you have felt about this stage in your own experience and if it's anything like what I'm describing.

Welcome to WP. I was diagnosed at age 47 ASD, GAD (likely ADHD). Thanks to decades of invalidation and my amazing theatrical skills, I was convinced I was normal. A corporate merger, new director (reading a few yearbook entries and childhood letters) brought down that house of cards. I hope your SIL was gentler. Still: unpleasant to find the ground pulled out from under one's feet.

My ASD BFF currently has life structured to match her needs/wants and so "relief" is not part of her experience either. My life demands are currently beyond my needs/wants so it was a partial relief for me to have an explanation for my "erratic" (stress related) behavior. I would say years later we very much enjoy saying "how could anyone else see it differently?" when we realize we see it a way that most Allistic people would not. Those silly Allistic people. I read a book about Late Diagnosis... and the author was horribly distraught after his diagnosis and later came to terms with it. Perhaps you put the aspect of "relief" in your back pocket to examine later.

My Allistic husband and I talked about to what degrees we pretend. He's an immigrant and racial minority, so there's code-switching he does in his former and adopted cultures, but even so it appears I do more "pretending" as a neuro-minority and work-gender-minority. I'm learning (or at least thinking about how) to be more myself in a smooth way.

My children are young yet (under 12) and I believe one likely has ASD (undiagnosed despite attempt; did some OT in the meantime) and one likely has ADHD (next up professional care for GAD). Both are pending evaluations to have for awareness and "just in case" (as I did for myself). There's a great book for tweens about ASD that is compelling for that age group. There are books about neurodivergence (Twice Exceptional, etc.) for many groups that are more modern less stigmatizing. If your children are young adults entering business "What to Say Next" is an interesting read they might relate to.

Wishing you (and your children) well on this leg of your journey.