Keep grieving for the son I'll never have

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I don't know why, but I have this feeling that if I was to have a baby it will be a little boy. (Is this a broody maternal thing?)

I just feel panicky because my biological clock is ticking and running out. I'm going to be 33 this year and for a woman it's getting too old to make a baby because there's more likely to be complications and the baby is at higher risk of having autism or downs syndrome.

But sometimes I so badly want this little boy. I've already named him. If I was a guy in a relationship as steady as the one I'm in in this life then I'd probably be a dad by now. But because I'm the woman I'm the one that will have to suffer all that frightening pregnancy and birth and sickness (I'm sensitive to pain, especially in the tummy, and pregnancy and birth involves a lot of tummy pains so that will make me vomit and I have a bad case of emetophobia).
It sounds so scary to have this small human inside you that will have to come out somehow, either through being cut open or from between the legs.

I feel like the human woman's body isn't designed for pregnancy. Too many things can go wrong, a miscarriage can cause death (I've known two different women who almost died from a miscarriage), and labour seems to be so painful and long, and then most women have to have their vagina stitched up afterwards. Ouch. What a horrible, agonising, messy experience.

I'm a total wimp with pain. I can't even have a smear test because it hurts too much to bear. I'm on the pill because period cramps made me ill, and apparently labour is one big huge period cramp times 1000, so I'll probably die in agony. I think I'd rather die than vomit though.

And don't even think about advising me to adopt, because with all the rules and policies for adoption I'm way too unfit to adopt, as apparently you've got to be rich, young and NT.

Why is life so cruel?

I thought you said before that you didn’t want to have a kid. Is this a new feeling?

33 is not too old.

With that being said, pregnancy and childbirth are difficult. Small children can be a lot to handle, especially when it comes to sleep. My son didn’t sleep through the night until he was 3. Also, if you have sensory sensitivities, daily overload is a real possibility.

I had morning sickness my entire pregnancy and was nauseous and threw up every damn day. That was awful. Childbirth wasn’t pleasant, either, although being stitched up afterwards wasn’t as bad as it sounds - perhaps because I was holding my precious baby.

Another potential issue: having little to no time for special interests for years.

Same sentiment. ^

I also had morning sickness my entire pregnancy up to and including the day I went into labour.
I developed some food aversions that never stopped close to 30 years later.

It's a huge responsibility but I can understand wanting children because I wanted them too.
I don't know what they advise for people with Tokophobia.
There must be a type of therapy even if it's grief therapy for your loss of reproductive ability / kids.

I wonder if it's considered a type of infertility even though it's related to mental health, not physical.

I don't think I've ever said I don't want children. I just feel I can't have children because of my severe pain sensitivities and emetophobia.

I'm awake mostly all night anyway so that wouldn't be a problem.

I think when a woman has a baby her motherly instincts kick in and she accepts that her life has changed and if she loves her baby that much then she'll just automatically feed and change the baby and do all the other responsibilities that come with it. Unless a woman is mentally ill, or under the influence of alcohol or drugs, or just doesn't care. But I'm none of those, and a lot of people with my sort of mental health (anxiety and depression) can actually get some support from a midwife or something who comes to the house.

What scares me is that sort of depression some women get after their baby is born where they feel they hate their baby and can't bond with it or something. That doesn't make them a bad parent, it's a mental health disorder that can occur after birth and I read it can be common.

As a childless woman I'm just looking at motherhood through a clueless woman's eyes. But I'm maternal, I have a lot of love to give, and I'm not very career-orientated, I'm more family-orientated.

^^

I had morning sickness up to and including the day I went into labor, too. Being nauseous for months is awful. That’s why I’m hesitant to say that raising kids is more difficult than pregnancy and childbirth. My delivery was traumatic, too.

Yes, most people love and take care of their babies. That doesn’t mean it’s easy in any way, shape, or form. or that the desire to do other things goes away.

Being a parent is very difficult, extremely frustrating, and anxiety-provoking at times.

I think I definitely had PPD but I didn't know it at the time.
It didn't help that my husband turned into a horrible and abusive father.
We were splitting up when my daughter was just six months old.

I don't think the depression was necessarily related to a change in my lifestyle.
I was so young I didn't even have a lifestyle yet.
I think it was likely just a hormonal shift, combined with our domestic problems.
Also, he said I could stay home from work indefinitely.
Then he changed his mind and said I'd have to go back at one year.
Then he left at six months when I was still on mat leave, and I had to work full-time.

I'm rambling - but despite all of that I think hormones played a part.
It's not that I was unhappy or didn't love my baby, but I was so tired.
I didn't know anyone else my age who was married, let alone a mother.

I hated my mother's group at the church.
I think it's because I was autistic and they were NT, but I didn't know it yet.
Motherhood brings a huge expectation that we'll socialise with other women.
I didn't want to socialise with anyone, but doing it alone was really hard work too.

At 38, I didn't know how my 7 years of infertility and pregnancy loss was going to end but I needed that particular chapter to end one way or another. I prepared myself for all possibilities: biological, adoption, child-free / childless / child-full in an alternate way, etc. Knowing a different chapter could begin later (I have plenty of 60-year-old friends who have adopted). I know many people who travelled many varied paths and grieved, accepted the endings, changes, and beginnings of their life chapters. I am sorry the chapter you imagined wasn't written in this Universe. I sometimes wonder where my blissful one was written.

I have difficulties throwing up, plus I have a phobia, so that is what's mostly putting me off falling pregnant.

The last time I threw up I choked on my own vomit because it took a lot of time and straining to do it. It was such a bad experience that I don't think I ever want to go through it ever again, therefore I avoid anything that has even the slightest chance of making me vomit.

There are a lot of support on the pregnancy boards for it. Although most hits are in New Zealand and UK, not as much in the US. This thread is simple and brief... Original poster is exploring the idea of pregnancy with emetophobia, since she posts to a pregnancy board, the few replies are from pregnant women (or mothers).
https://community.babycentre.co.uk/post ... -pregnancy

I find a study which publishes your lived experience: "In Lipsitz et al.'s survey, women with emetophobia said that they either delayed pregnancy or avoided pregnancy altogether because of the morning sickness associated with the first trimester..."

I can readily find 100,000 of support board posts about it, I can readily find 100s posts about it for babies due this year. Apparently it impacts 0.1% of folks, so you are in "good" (uncomfortable) company.

I had over six pregnancy losses of which two were confirmed to be ectopic and required life-saving treatment, that's a 0.0000001% thing (plus or minus a few order of magnitudes). There was no support board for me. It was awful, horrible and scary and traumatic -in the end- worthwhile. I was a mess, I asked my therapist during the ordeal how could I parent when I could barely make it through getting there. She was completely deadpan, "this is the hard part -when you are pregnant or a parent, you'll do when you need to do". She wasn't wrong. For anxiety, too often the bark is worse than the bite.

There is probably not enough support for folks who go through miscarriages.

I had my baby aged 38, she was perfectly healthy. So 33 isn't too old.

Pregnancy however was hell. It was like the baby was draining all my strength, like a vacuum cleaner. I felt like I was about to throw up every second of the 9 months, I used to wake up in the night and cry because when I was awake I felt sick and in pain. The baby drained every bit of my strength, I had to give up my job, driving my car, my entire life and just sit alone at home for 9 months because I couldn't do anything but watch the clock ticking. TV and the internet and books made me feel sick. So did eating and drinking, I hardly ate anything. A good day was when I ate an apple or a potato waffle. It was like being in prison. I also had no friends or family to support me because we'd moved to a different area and I was far too ill to even think of going to antenatal classes or anything like that to get to know people. My husband was there thank god, but he was running round working and doing everything in the house, like a whirlwind. If only I'd had just one friend to talk to.

Compared to that, childbirth was just a day of pain, nothing really.

Obviously lots of women can function normally during pregnancy, I just couldn't. So we didn't have any more children.

Of course I love my daughter whole heartedly, she is the apple of my eye. But what a huge mountain I climbed to produce her, it took every single bit of my physical and mental strength, and years to recover.

So in conclusion, I'd say, unless you are ABSOLUTELY COMMITTED to having a child and have a large network of friends, family and supporters to help you, don't do it. The network is essential, even nursery workers can be helpful.

I wish women had an easier time when they carry babies.