I wish I had a name for this

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Hi. I’m feeling overwhelmed at the moment. I know I’m grieving. I’m grieving for my childhood, for my lack of socialization, for not “getting the memo” like everybody else seemed to do, for not really understanding the social norms.

For a long time, I thought it was lack of wise parenting. There certainly were elements of it, by objective measures. But I’m feeling like I was just always wired different, but didn’t have the vocabulary for it.

I really had a hard time as a young kid with picking up on social cues. I would be playing fine, then I’d just get dysregulated and silly and disruptive.

I learned to fit in better with maturity, but even as an adult, even though I have some dear friends, I muchly feel like I’m play-acting at adulthood, by imitation, rather than truly understanding what’s going on around me.

So I guess I’m grieving for the life I “might” have had if I’d come to this knowledge a long time ago.

I’m overwhelmed

Anyhow, thanks for this forum

Terminology, it sounds like grief.

Also, did you have any traumatic experiences with other people?

Thank you for your reply.
I had to think about it a bit.

I was raised by parents who had their own load of wounds and trauma, who were raised by my grandparents who had *their* own wounds and trauma.
I was never the victim of a crime, but my parents didn’t know how to act like regular people. By the time I was 12, all their friends had faded away and we became incredibly socially isolated.
And so they weren’t able to socialize me very well, and then I didn’t know how to act, so kids would get frustrated with my behaviors and in my early grade school years I struggled very much socially.
I got better, but because I painstakingly figured it out on my own.

A lot of times I just feel like I never got the memo.

There’s a thread on this site about rules for interactions with other people and honestly , if I’d known this info years ago, I might not have made an ass of myself.

But my parents didn’t know how, and I’m grieving the woman I might have been. I mean, I love my husband and children and I’ve been blessed with some nice friends, but I could have navigated all these relationships way better than I did

I have a brother who was diagnosed PDD-NOS. And two of my nephews and at least one grade school age cousin have been officially diagnosed, so it’s definitely in our family.

I’m thinking ASD, ADD/ADHD (which also runs muchly in my family), plus dysfunctional family dynamics that go back generations are among the reasons things happened the way they did.

57 isn't that old. I'm 60 and don't feel that old.
I recently learned how to play golf and enjoy walking the course and hitting the ball around.

With luck you still have time to do better than you did before.
That is all I try to do. Better than I did before.

Thank you for your reply. I really appreciate it.

I’m in the middle of “pondering” all this.

Right there with you. I was diagnosed ASD at 48 and then it was pointed out to me after 50 that a significant factor in my anxiety is ADHD. I've been so "well behaved" all my life, internalizing all the hardship... it's wasn't "seen" (although it's obvious when you know what to look for) and now my nervous system is esp. a wreck. My therapist says it was a blessing and curse that I "masked" so well ---again: well enough b/c it's obvious I'm "quirky". My mom is ASD and dad ADHD-like and they had no awareness and were caught up in constant turmoil and conflict and passed on standards that weren't appropriate for me. Trauma can be severe, or it can be mild but chronic. Living with ASD in today's world, my country is the latter. I've been able to parent my children in a healthier way --not rainbows, but more joy and contentment than hardship compared to my upbringing. Still it's hard -for me, for them. Doing our best. Wishing you well as you navigate your discoveries and hard-earned wisdom.

Completely normal to feel this way. Lots of people discovering they're not "typical" feel like this.