Lack of emotional communication

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I'm having a very difficult time trying to discern is my AS bf is unWILLING or unABLE to engage in any sort of communication with emotional content. This is a major problem is our relationship. It is impossible to get him to discuss his feelings about me or the relationship. As an NT, I need to have an understanding of my partners feelings. I know he has them, but the only emotion he's comfortable expressing seems to be anger (never at me, but at other areas of his life). For a long time I thought he was just uncomfortable with expressing emotion -- now I'm wondering whether he even has the language to be able to do so. I think if he'd be willing to consider AS is at play, it might be manageable. But as it is, I despair of ever feeling
satisfied emotionally.

In expecting some sort of emotional intimacy, am I barking up a tree that's not there?

Please, you're tormenting him. Stop asking him for what he can't give you. Even an NT guy would be hard put to give you what you are asking for. What you want is what girlfriends are for.
I am not typing this in an angry mode, I am trying to explain.

Basically, yes.

It's hard to discuss something when you don't understand it fully sometimes yourself.

If you need to know whether or not he loves you enough for you to stay in the relationship, tell him that flat out, in un-emotional terms: 'I am not perceiving very much attachment to you, and for me to determine whether this relationship is worth investing in, I need to know: do you love me, and/or are you committed to this relationship?'

Be forewarned, however: he will be honest with his answer. He may just say, 'I don't know,' which for some aspies is as close as you will get to a 'yes.' He may be angry with you for asking the question. Either way, it will be indicative of how the relationship will continue to play out if you stay with him.

I'm pretty sure we're tormenting each other. But I get your point. I guess it comes down to the problem being my expectation, since as an Aspie (who totally shuts down when I suggest that might be the case), he may love me, but has no way of showing it that I understand. So maybe loving an Aspie means abandoning all hope of emotional intimacy -- it's can only be a buddy situation.

Agree with that part.

Can't answer your question, only add that I understand to some extent how it is.
However, as I'm female w/AS and my boyfriend is NT, this interaction takes rather different shape. In ways he seems more autistic than I, because of "normal male" traits he posesses. It's confusing reading most advice which is geared towards the assumed pattern/template of couple comprised of AS male paired with NT female. He's not AS, and I'm not NT, but neither of us conform to either stereotype (based on gender or neurological status), we're both combinations of traits.
At times, I do have difficulty "extracting" verbal emotional communication (other than when he's angry, since males usually are socialized to feel that but suppress other emotions or display of such) from him. Other times, when he's relaxed & pleasantly distracted (for example, during long car drive) he can speak openly & "heartfully" in ways that make me feel close to him.

(edited to correct spelling error)

Last edited by Belfast on 30 Sep 2007, 1:18 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Ask him if it'd be easier if he were to write it down in a letter. I know I'm absolutely crap at expressing how I feel vocally. Maybe he just has to express it in a different way.

Yeah, ask point blank and expect an honest answer. Consider too that your aspie may be showing love in ways that are not verbal communication. My husband doesn't ever really discuss how he feels about out relationship. Nothing will make him lock up faster. I ask if he loves me, he says yes. That's pretty clear. You might have to accept that instead of expecting him to elaborate on why he feels that way about you or that sort of thing. One of the fundamentals of AS is the lack of that emotional language, which often does leave an NT partner feeling very much on the outside.

Read this:
http://www.kmarshack.com/therapy/asperger/faq.html

Thanks for the link, and thanks all for your feedback.

Stop torturing him. If he is with you, that IS the communication.. You need to learn patience and understand he uses a different part of his brain, but loves or needs you none the less. AS shows love by doing things, like reaching things high up, fixing your car, scrubbing the shower, solving problems. Quite honestly, after dating NTs and dating an AS, I take his obscure communication more solidly than an NT, who can lie, manipulate and change his mind at the drop of a dime. As an NT it is your responsibility to be flexible because he can’t be. Instead of wondering why he can’t bend or give, just understand his presence is his acceptance. They don’t love the NT way, but when they love, it is real and not flaky and not conditional. If you require NT niceties, do him a favor and stop torturing him. That is your security issue, not his.

Aspie or not, NT or not, if you're just not getting what you need from this relationship and things aren't changing, you might be wise in looking elsewhere.

On the day I was married, I looked at my husband and said, "Of all the people on Earth, I'd far rather turn into an old f*ck with you than with anyone else." Then I grinned, and kissed him.

This is hardly grand romantic poetry, but it does get the general gist across, yes?