Asperger's in a male partner = abuse/neglect/apathy?

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So one thing I've heard a lot of women in bad relationships say is that their partner "has or might have Asperger's syndrome" and that their partner's neglect of the relationship or their emotionally or physically abusive behaviours towards their significant other might be a manifestation of it.
What do you think of this?

ahhh NTs!..... "I love him, so i'll try to understand Asperger. i'll read on the net about it, i'll understand it all..... Now i know well about Asperger, they hands flaps and don't look in the eyes. good! now i understand my BF...... BUT he doesn't smile, he must not love me!......

So one thing I've heard a lot of women in bad relationships say is that their partner "has or might have Asperger's syndrome" and that their partner's neglect of the relationship or their emotionally or physically abusive behaviours towards their significant other might be a manifestation of it.
What do you think of this?

there are two sides to this and any relationship story.
there are many women with AS partners who claim abuse........sometimes physical ( answer= get out now)
but usually emotional. there is a yearning loss of a/the relationship when these women seek "connection" have never really had it but realise they probably never will.
it is something AS males are unlikely to understand and their partners are left with a sense of loss and mourning for the relationship.

it is a stong sense of loss in these women.

It's hard to say. It depends on whether they are saying the partner has Asperger's as an insult ("oh, he's just ret*d") or if they really are trying to figure him out.

My dad who I believe is aspie can be an absolute jerk when he melts down, he yells, curses, and is insulting to those around him. In my instance it helps to be able to blame the AS because he is a generous and gentle person when NOT melting down.

Don't stir the hornets....

What you say is true as observed. However, I've become very dubious about the underlying idea of a relationship that was fine to start with, then goes awry, then female partner finds out the male has Aspergers, hence the problems are all down to him.

There are several wobbly joints in that thread of events - and I'm very familiar with it not just because it describes how my own marriage went, but as you say, there are dozens of women on forums all over describing this situation. As my marriage has imploded in slow motion over the last few years, I have been motivated to spend far too much time on various relationship advice/forum sites.

First problem, you have AS all along. It's not contagious, you don't suddenly get struck with it, so it was right there at the start when everything was 'roses, roses'. What else changed over the years that behaviour that was initially attractive and 'different to all the other guys', becomes 'thorns, thorns'?

Secondly, it's all too convenient to blame someone else as it alleviates any guilt for the women involved. A typical refrain I've read these women say is "I have a right to do whatever I need to obtain the emotional support that I'm not getting from him". This itself is dubious as for one, a fully grown adult should not depend so much on another for emotional support. Also related to my first point, the emotional support could never have been there if the male partner has had AS all along.

What's really nauseating is the 'high fiving' and 'go get it, girl' by the virtual 'sisters' as they describe their numerous affairs and what they plan to do with the gardener when hubby is out at work. Looks like they're digging for excuses to justify their most base behaviour.

Further, I'm actually sceptical that many of these men have AS anyway. My current belief is that most of these men the women are complaining about just have a 'male brain'. If ever you've heard of Simon Baron-Cohen who describes AS as the 'extreme male brain', you'll understand. These particular women (not all, thank Gaia) are expecting their men to respond emotionally like females, not with reason which is the male brain way. The controversy underlining all this is that over the past 30-40 years, maleness has been ostracised, boys have no good male role models and are becoming ashamed to use the gifts of the male brain. I heard a teenage boy say recently, referring to the steady stream of gang related violence: "The only choice for a boy is to be Bad or to be a Fool". The women involved (and this describes my wife, so I'm putting myself down, too) could never relate to a real man, anyway, so they find a desperate fool they can dominate until the thrill of power wears off.

In conclusion, I doubt that relationships split up due to one partner having AS any more than NT relationships. NT marriages are failing at a high rate, too. I believe we've become so self-centered, in the 1st world at least, we've forgotten how to relate. AS is just the scapegoat. It's become a 'meme' amongst certain circles because it is a hugely convenient guilt alleviator for women who reach a point where they "fancy someone different", and can use it to avoid any responsibility for their own action. Now they don't even have to blame a person. They can pity him and blame this 'life destroying', 'non curable' syndrome he has.

Apologies for going on and on..but that's what we do when the subject is close to our hearts

That's what I'm getting at. NT's yell curse etc too, just the same. Perhaps we sometimes need to restate the core problem of AS: "serious problems in social interaction". The rest is footnotes.

Oh, great - we finally find out what has been the matter with us all of our lives, and now they use Aspieness as the main reason why everyone's a jerk.

Here's the real answer, with the gender removed, because gender has nothing to do with it:

if partner=abuser_neglecter_apathetic
(partner=NT OR partner=Aspie) AND partner=jerk
endif

There are differences, though, between aspie meltdowns and your average NT yelling and cursing over something. In my case, in viewing my dad, AS is not a scapegoat, but something that helps me understand a heretofore disturbing and inexplicable behavior.

Yes I have noticed this trend of people posting in Love and dating about their suspected partner. In fairness some of them are positive. Even if not I guess it an attempt to understand usually.

We have different personalities as well. Problem with these sort of generalisations is people take to them and fly with them. There is acutely no evince linking ASD and criminality but that doesn't stop some people wanting to write a paper on it, because it will make them and/or the university look impressive. Objectivity is not always the priority. Or at least not everyone is encouraged to be objective.

There are an awful lot of people with ASD who are not even in relationships (myself included). However I'm sure there are some that are jerks in relationship either intentionally or unintentionally. Some goes for 'NTs'.

But then again that is a no brainier...

I think we Aspie males need to find an Aspie/Autie female to have a relationship with a connection. Leave the silly NT girls with the she-males.

I'm borderline, I havn't diagonsied myself with AS. So can't really comment.

But compared to other men I know I have a very high boiling point. It is really hard to get me angry. I'm less emotional and more logical so I general I'm more level headed than the average person. When people try to wind me up, I don't really notice or ignore them. So in that regard excluding meltdowns I think people with AS could be less abusive not more.

But on the other side, because I'm less emotional I don't understand other peoples emotions that well. Well I do but I think I've become this way through studying other people and trying to figure them out. Also being more introverted doesn't help. So I can see how that can lead to neglect, but it isn't purposeful, once I figure out what I'm doing or not doing I can remedy it. But that side of me doesn't come naturally.

I also read that people with AS are more honest and loyal in a relationship.

So there are pros and cons to it I think.

One thing I would like to mention, is that you shouldn't use AS as an excuse for abuse. If you are in a abusesive relationship and it is intentional you should get out of the relationship.

I dated a guy in grad school who might fit the Asperger's stereotype. He was, shall we say, no genius when it comes to relationships. If I were in grousing mode, it would be very easy for me to paint him as the bad guy with AS and me the poor victim. The reality is that he is not autistic (as far as I could ever see - he functioned in his own way just fine - he just wasn't the psychologist type), and I am. Basically, some relationships don't work out. Follow the five stages of dating, don't get married when you still barely know the guy, and give people a break when they are not The One For You. After all, you're not the one for them either, just that hot babe that got away.

This guy is with someone now. I expect she's the sort who is perfectly happy to do all the relationship work for both of them. There are a lot of women who are like that. They don't expect men to be geniuses at relationships, so they do almost all of the work maintaining things, and the guy does the guy stuff. If he's not willing to do the guy stuff, though, watch out. That means he's "just not that into you".

Completely different from when the guy is on the spectrum and a diagnosis makes things so much easier.

I've tried to date two guys with AS. They weren't abusive, but they came across as self-centered jerks.

We see our own faults in others. Projection?

Yea, I think she's saying she couldn't manipulate them

Why do you assume this? AS guys are just as capable of being self-centred jerks as NT guys are, and she didn't say that *all* AS guys are self-centred jerks, just that the 2 she's tried to date came across that way.

My reaction was that if she's 17, they're not much older, and at that age people aren't that mature yet. Some people who are jerks in their teens are jerks later, too, but some mature into real catches once they get their acts together.

Plus at 17 you don't know who to pay attention to and who to ignore, so there's lots of trial and error, which means lots of error.