So scared, help!!

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Hi everyone,

I'm not here to be judged - I get enough of that everywhere else. I just really need some advice from people who might understand my panic and fear.

Recently I found out I'm pregnant to my partner of three years. I do want children, I really do, we both do, but just not yet; circumstances, timing, and everything else is wrong and I couldn't bring a child into my life just now. So I'm going to have an abortion.

I have my first appointment on Monday at the clinic. It's supposed to be really nice, with lots of understanding people and friendly nurses. I'm so terrified though, I can barely think straight. Then I think about the next appointment - the real one where it actually happens - and I almost have a panic attack just thinking about it.

I can't have a child now, it's complicated but everything is wrong, so I'm not asking for anyone to talk me out of it. I need this procedure. I'm just so, so scared that I fear I'll run away and not go through with it.

I don't know if I should go with the general or local anaesthetic. I don't like the idea of being knocked out, but I don't know if I could cope with being awake. I'll panic at the general - I've had an operation before and it was hell - and knowing what will happen while I'm not there to keep an eye on things. But the local sounds painful and noisy and the idea of people prodding around down there terrifies me. I also don't know when it will be, which scares me too.

Not knowing is so awful.

I don't know what's going on at this first one either - they said they might need to do an internal exam. I can't deal with not knowing - 'might' is the last thing I want to hear with regards this!!

I don't know how to get through this. I can't do it, I'm so terrified, just writing this my heart is pounding and my hands are sweaty and I'm crying and I just can't stand the thought of it all. I've never been this scared in my life.


Has anyone got any advice, or tips on how to deal with it, or can tell me what to expect? Anything at all?

Again, please don't try and talk me out of this as my mind is made up. I'm not here to be judged.

Thanks in advance,

Leah

Hi Leah,
I am so sorry that you are in so much distress right now. While I have not had an abortion myself, I have supported friends through the process, and I know that it can be incredibly stressful.
I found this website, which has pretty thorough descriptions of some of the choices and procedures. Let the people at the clinic know how nervous you are, and let them know that you need them to explain exactly what to expect during your appointments and the procedure itself. Maybe you can even call and get someone to explain exactly what type of exam will be performed before your first appointment. An internal exam, would probably entail you lying on your back with your feet in stirrups, while the doctor does something like checking your cervix (probably with gloved fingers) or taking swabs to check for STDs (would insert a metal speculum and use a long Q-tip type object to gently "swipe" your cervix or vaginal wall) which can be uncomfortable, but is not painful, but I'm not exactly sure.

The doctors and nurses will be used to women feeling scared and really uncomfortable/invaded/embarrassed. I would definitely try to call and see if there is someone there that you can talk to about these feelings and ask questions about what to expect. There may even be some kind of counsellor on staff? And definitely let the nurses and doctors know how terrified you are, so that they can be extra kind and gentle to you.

Good luck with everything.
~Alice

Leah, how is "trying to talk you out" a judgement? How can one judge? Why would one dare to judge?
Yet you should consider the alternative (I am saying this because this is not only about you but about the unborn baby). If there's something inside you telling you to reconsider, don't shut it off now. Listen to yourself...to your heart.

Why not now? Some good things happen w/out us planning on them. Talk to a counselor, to a priest, there are ways to help you financially as well as offer comfort, guidance and a shoulder to lean on in your moments of doubt. What is the fear? Is it financial? Again, there are ways to work it out, to get help from the State or from an organization that deal with stuff like it.

Please talk to a priest and to family members and counselors. Don't be scared to consider the alternative, please. Do not let your boyfriend pressure you either (it may not be the case but don't let him, if it is).

I haven't come here to be talked out of anything. I've arrived at a difficult situation, I'm taking the right path for me and my partner - and the potential baby - at this moment in time. I have considered keeping it; oh boy, have I considered keeping it! But it's unrealistic to expect to have a child now and to raise it how I want to raise it, with all the love and attention and prospects and, yes, finances that we're going to need. I'd rather wait a few years until I'm finished university and we have our own house instead of a rented shoebox and we're back near our families so we have their support. We have their support now, of course, but not their being right there to help out when needs be. And the money to be free to raise her/him how we want to, and spend time enough with her. She'll come back when the time is right.

I'm confident in my decision; sure, I'll have regrets, but they come back to regretting falling pregnant in the first place, not to regretting the decision I'm making. It's happened and now I'm at a crossroads, and this is the right road to take at this moment in time.

I've talked it over, we've been discussing it for over a week with family, friends, everyone. This is the right decision for all three of us.



I'm just terrified of the procedure. I don't know how I'm going to handle it. I've never even had a pap smear. I really need any advice or pointers I can get.


Alice, thanks so much for that, it's exactly the sort of thing I need!!

Hi LeahG;

Although I am male, I have been 50% responsible for several abortions, so I can somewhat relate to where you are at. Some of us have a slower learning curve than others. What can I say. If some of what I have to say seems harsh, please understand that it is not judgemental; it's just that life is harsh.

Mental illness has been defined as: the avoidance of JUSTIFIED pain. In other words, right now, you are getting a spanking from life that you very much deserve. You have made some poor choices, and now it's time to pay the fiddler. BTDT!! !!

I support you in whatever decisions you choose. You strike me as a strong and bright lady, who is overcome by fear. That fear is natural, but it must be overcome. For words of comfort, all I can offer is: This too shall pass. If you will tap into your inner strength, face up to life and take this bitter pill, and let the pain serve it's learning purpose, you will be better for the experience.

If you would like to talk, PM me.

God Bless, and best wishes.

Here we go.
Doesn't matter how much you clearly state your mind is made up, someone has to try and talk you out if it "for the sake of the unborn".

Leah, you do what YOU feel is best. It sounds like your main issue is the fear of being out of control. understandable. No one likes that. Knowledge is key. Being "knocked out" is probably the better way, though you have already known that feeling and not liked it. Local is similar to being awake while at the dentist for a root canal. Not pleasant and scary, but really no pain...just pressure and the feeling there should be pain.

Relax...don't think too much. At least until you have your first appointment. Just one step at a time, dear lady.
Good luck

I had an abortion, and its really not that bad....

you're first appt, you'll go in and they'll use the ultrasound (which is shaped like a penis and they put it up there) to determine how big the fetus is. It has some lubrication stuff on it, and it doesn't hurt. Thats the internal exam. They'll ask you questions and such like medical history.

The next day you go in and pay or whatever and they'll give you 2-4 pills (can't remember exactly). These dilate your cervix. They'll tell you not to swallow, but to put them against your gums/cheek and replace them when they dissolve. You can leave then, but you'll have to be back in at a certain time.

I suggest going back in about 20mins early. The cervix pills can make you cramp very badly, like your having a bad period. Fortunately this is the only painful thing about all of it.

They may let you back into a room to relax before the procedure, they did with me. When its time to go get the procedure done, they take you to the operation room (or whatever), and they should ask you how much it takes to get drunk, i think this determines how much anasthetic they give you. You'll go under and they'll start the procedure. For me it took about 2 hours, but it felt like at the most 30 mins. You'll come out of it, and they'll let you take your time about standing up and getting around. You leave after that.

If you need more anasthetic during the procedure, they'll give it to you. One time they did gave more to me, the nurse was already coming around to give it to me when I said "i can feel that". (It didn't hurt, I could just feel and was more aware than I should have been...if you can talk, you need more i guess).

You should have your partner there, it'll make the procedure less scary. My aunt went in with me for support and to drive me home. You'll need someone there and they must be in the building all the time. Otherwise, you have to wait for the anasthetic to completely wear off before driving home. Your partner should be able to be in the room at your side while the procedure is being done.


I'd suggest wearing loose-fitting clothes and real underwear (like granny panties or something). Put a super-duper heavy absorption pad in them, cause you might bleed a little (like when you lost your virginity). I didn't bleed hardly at all. Thats what my aunt told me anyways (about the huge pad... she'd had an abortion, and after I made up my mind I went to ask her if she'd help me and thats when she told me she'd had one). She may have bled more or something.
About 1-2 wks later, you go in for a follow-up appt. They'll tell you what to do If you start bleeding or anything until the follow-up.


I don't know what anaesthetic I was under. I was awake but "out of it" sometimes, and then at other times I was knocked out. If your partner is there, you'd probably feel safer.

You should plan to be off work for 3 days. Once for the procedure, and then 2 days after the procedure. I got off 3 days, and timed it 1. for pre-examination 2. for procedure and then called in sick the next day(3), and I was still loopy from the meds I was taking on the 4th day.

I know how scared you are, I was too. You shouldn't remember any of the procedure, and the only scary thing is the build-up to it. You'll be ok.

And you won't regret it, I don't. If it's the decision you made, and you know its what you need and want, you won't.

You can pm me if you have ?s and I'll try to answer them.


On a side note, I made my aunt laugh a little during it.....

I started to com out of it a little and was trying to ask how much longer it would be by asking "whats doc doing down there?" My aunt laughed and shook her head and I think the nurse gave me more anaesthetic or something. I still chuckle and shake my head about that too....

They'll give you a prescription for anti-pain meds, birth control and anti infection stuff.

Ok, and I get to be the dreaded voice.

I am seriously anti-abortion, you don't want to hear that I consider it murder.

I do not condemn you or judge you, but this is a life. If you do know that a child is not right at the moment for either of you, I strongly urge you to consider an adoption before making the final decision. You might even be able to choose who will raise your baby to some extent, and there are so many people out there who would love to bring him/her up.

Before you go through with the abortion at least call and talk to someone at an adoption clinic.

Ummm....

Maybe you should go to the abortion clinic and read the booklets they hand out. Maybe? k...guess not.

It depends on what religious views you have.

Mine are pretty esoteric, so there you go.

And when you're trying to decide on what path to choose you do consider adoption. There are 3 decisions: Keeping it, adoption or abortion.

I'm pretty sure she considered all 3 and LOOKED INTO all 3 like I did.

nomnom_hamster - Thanks for that. Very reassuring.

I don't think I'll need the pills from what I understand, I'm still only 5 weeks into it so they said that makes it a lot easier to do. 'Easier', ha.

I hope they don't give me a prescription for birth control, because it would be a waste of money. I don't use the BC pill because the one time I did, I nearly killed myself. I had every side effect listed, and 9 months after coming off it my cycles are still very irregular, which is why I'm pregnant now I think. We use condoms and monitor my temperature daily so avoid the ovulation period and lunar cycle days. In theory that should work fine, and it has done, nothing has broken or torn, but here I am - even with all that's happened, I still won't use anything hormonal ever again. >_<




Detren - I knew there must be one... <sigh> It's a life, perhaps, depending on what you call life. To me, a life is a soul; the body is just the vessel. You cannot destroy a soul - the child will be back, one day, when the time is right for all of us. Just not in this particular potential body. It's still the size of a peanut. If I was so far along that it could survive outside my womb then I couldn't abort, but right now it's barely started forming.

I couldn't adopt out. I couldn't ever carry a child to term and then give it away; despite all that's happening now I absolutely love and adore children, my mothering instinct is very strong. Even now I'm very protective of my little seed. I could never adopt out.

I didn't use the BC pill either. Something about being aspie.....they said to put it somewhere where you'd remember to take it, like near your toothbrush....

I don't brush my teeth at the same time every night, I might decide I don't want to eat anything after 3pm or after 1-2am. And then you have to remember to take it anyway, regardless of where it is

I'm glad I could help.

Ok, so I think life starts at conception. Something is put in motion. It has happened forever and I don't think anyone has asked permission for it to happen or has felt it was the best time in the world either. This is about your life and how a baby would inconvenience it, that's all.

I am not judging you, I am thinking about that poor life. I do think that's a life and I hear people talking about it as if it isn't. Just because it's not in plain view.

I think people now stress out about what quality of life they could offer a baby and they think that somehow this is more important to the baby than actually ..having the baby. All it matters to a baby is to be born, to be loved and to be fed. The rest..there have been kids born in non-rich families and they did well for themselves. So the welfare of the baby is not an issue to the extent people make it. It's an issue of the inconvenience to the parents. Why should they give up their world as they know it for something that comes as an inconvenience?

Leah, you have obviously given this a great deal of thought.

Congratulations on having the strength of character to do the right thing.

Excuse me? Thats almost passive-aggressive.
It depends on at what point you consider life happens at. For you its conception, for me its a spark of consciousness that determines life. No, I don't mean at birth. For leah, it is something different, like she said (above ^^)

And if the quality of life was living in a 0 bedroom apt with no car and the lowest income job available, coming home exhausted everynight from working a 10hr day wouldn't have mattered to it then maybe I shouldn't have.
If sending it to be adopted out by people I don't know, wondering if they would understand it if it was autistic like I am, or being abused in some way and wondering every night for the rest of my life about the decision I made for it and me, even if I got to see it, or if I ever saw it and did something halfway crazy and praying that it was ok, was the right thing for me to do, then maybe I should have. I already have a bipolarish-depression thing going on and I have enough trouble remembering to take those meds. I didn't need to worry about post-martem depression, or crying myself to sleep everynight about either one of those situations (which I already was).
What do you want us to say? She has made up her mind as she said and I made up mine.


And BTW the "it" is because you don't know if ITS a boy or girl, not because its a non-human, TYVM. And I use fetus as the term for before-birth and baby for after birth. That too, is open for opinion though.

NLG, I've explained what life is to me. You can't destroy a soul, which is what we all essentially are, to my mind at least and presumably to yours too. I can't bring a child into my world right now, for reasons more than I can list. I live in a shoebox - there isn't even room for a cot! I'm in the middle of doing a degree which, when finished, will allow me to help thousands and thousands of people - exactly what I want to do. I couldn't finish it with baby, and I need to be able to help these people. My partner and I will have kids eventually, when we're both finished at university. We have no money either, and you can say a child only needs love all you like, but the fact is she's going to need a lot of money to survive. I know; my parents have had several other kids whilst I've been growing up and I have helped raise them; I know what's involved. I also have to consider that there's a good chance she'll be autistic like I am, and when you're moving apartment (read: shoebox) every two or three months, in and out at weird times, etc that would be absolutely awful for her - no stability or permanency like she's going to need. I'm thinking of how I was as a child and how traumatic that would be.

Right now is not the time. She'll be back in a few years, and welcomed warmly into our lives. But right now would just be cruel.

I hope that helps you understand. This isn't about convenience, this is about her and what quality of life she'd have. I don't normally justify myself to people, but in this case I will explain.


I'm absolutely terrified of what happens next.

LeahG, thanks for explaining where you're coming from.
But I personally don't agree. I will explain my view as calmy as you have. To me, there isn't the same soul that somehow comes back in a few years. This is one child (one soul), the next would be a second, different one (soul). This one will not be born and it will not come back in other shapes, forms...It's not reincarnation. So this is the option to terminate this particular life.

If we carried babies on the outside -being able to see them grow, I wonder if we'd understand more organically, in a more connected way, what it is growing there. And maybe we'd wonder more if we had the right to terminate this growth for whatever reasons we can think of (some of them sound very valid but to me, they pale in comparison to a child).

The way I see it, for me it is reduced to inconvenience. Degrees can be finished later (I am not even talking about your particular case). Any job can be postponed or worked around. Especially if there's family to help around the house, a boyfriend, parents, extended family, daycare. It doesn't have to be sacrificing dreams. Where there's a will, there's a way...

Last edited by northern_light_girl on 30 Apr 2008, 9:33 am, edited 1 time in total.