Is she cheating?

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She has zero interest in sex.

She always tries pawning off the baby to me - she wants to go out while I stay at home.

She's usually at least an hour late coming home from work. "sorry, I got taking with the night shift" or "I stopped at the store and I ran into an old friend"

She has myspace, AIM and Yahoo messenger.

Can you talk to her about how you are feeling?

I have no evidence and I've tried talking to her but she says she doesn't know what's wrong.

It's not uncommon for women to be uninterested in sex when they have a small child to care for.

Is this a drastic libido swing, or did she have a low libido to begin with?

Also, being late coming home could simply be a passive aggressive form of trying to find some time for herself when dealing with the pressures of new motherhood.

So, nothing you've said indicates definately that she's cheating.

It sounds more like she's rebelling against the idea that her life isn't her own anymore. I would doubt she's even aware she's doing it.

This doesn't mean that she's not cheating, it just means nothing you've said gives me the impression that that is the only possible explanation.

Also, telling her that she's pulling a passive aggresive routine to force time for herself is likely to make her defensive and deny it, even if it is true.

My suggestion..... Set up a schedule where you both have some "Me" time away from the home and work and child.

Tell her you're doing it so that she has a chance to relax.

Put in that fashion, it will likely not only win you brownie points, but will eliminate her unconscious need to force this time herself.

If she doesn't know what is wrong.... when there clearly is a problem, you need to go to a doctor soon. There must be something that can help medically or some sort of guidance psychologically.

I think she knows, but doesn't want to say it out loud.

Because she's ashamed that she wants some personal time when she has a new child she should be taking care of.

A shrink might be able to help, but I think my suggestion is likely to work wonders, and if it doesn't, it won't cause any harm.

I think Flutter is wise!!

Well, it's impossible for an outsider to make judgement. However, having been in similar position myself, I can say that you are being perfectly reasonable to be feeling this. ie it is a possibility. You will be the one who knows her best and the fact that your worried is significant, don't ignore your instinct.

Next thing, talking will not achieve much, if anything. Now we live in a time when talk talk talk is the supposed answer to all relationship problems. Well, at this time, far too many people can talk the talk but don't walk the walk. Listen to her behaviour, not her words. It is absolutely pointless to ask her (and this applies to anyone) whether she is "seeing someone else". I can tell you the answer will be "No." Followed be her dramatically accusing you of not trusting her and possibly trying to be 'controlling' or 'paranoid'. Because that's what is said 90% of the time. You will not learn anything that can help you establish the truth.

I can understand that this may feel soul destroying for you, especially with your baby that I'm sure you're devoted to. But you may have to be smart and do some snooping to find out what is really going on - hopefully nothing. Sure that sounds really sneaky, but if she's got nothing to hide, then there won't be any hurt.

I'd suggest you say nothing without evidence, because if you say anything, she'll make 100% more effort to cover her tracks. You're best chance of finding if something is going on behind your back is to behave as normal as possible for now, while observing carefully. Is there any suspicious on line or mobile phone behaviour? Did she used to have 100's of old messages but now clears them everyday?

Hoping you're worries have no foundation......

Last edited by ManErg on 23 Aug 2008, 9:55 am, edited 1 time in total.

Try a simple night out, get a babysitter and have a night out together. Try to re-kindle your love affair with each other

I agree Flutter is incredibly wise.

She has to talk about the issues though. There has to be discussion, and if she can't or won't do this when digger asks, I think a mediator could help to sort through this problem.

How come you know so much flutter, how come you understand this situation so well. I know how emotionally overloading having a child is- I could never have worked at the same time.

Not to insult flutter or anything, but I will give a different spin. I have only once ever had this type of suspicion. I had no facts to support my insecure feelings, but frankly I was right. Hearts rarely lie but spouses sometimes do. If your heart is telling you something...find out. Whether right or wrong, you will be better off for the knowing.

She may no feel like she can be a good enough mother and is hiding from her responsibility. Either that or any of the things flutter said. Infidelity in a relationship with a child is huge.

Also, you are not going to want to hear this but...

You really need to reevaluate your actions and your attitude towards your wife and your child. If you two are not in sync then that can cause problems. Everyone has expectations of who they should be (ie. what kind of wife or husband, what kind of father or mother) and neither of you is necessarily right.

Go with Flutter, if no results, suggest couples therapy. If no response then consider leaving her.

Well, 1) I watched my sister go through similar issues when she had a child. Alone time, or couple time, became a premium commodity. (I actually flew down to virginia for a week to watch my nephew so her and her husband could have a few nights out just the two of them, including New Years.)

and 2) I know how avoidance mechanisms work, because I'm ruthless in identifying them in myself.

and 3) I've recently started dating someone who has 6 children, and that is incredibly intimidating to me, even though her kids and I get along famously.





Like I said, I think confronting her in any form is just going to make the situation worse. Investigate carefully if you suspect cheating, but also use my suggestion, because it will make her feel like you care for her, and you understand what she's going through.

Then see how she acts.

She needs to see she doesn't bear the burden of the world alone, and that her life isn't over because she has a child now.

I agree with Flutter. Having a young baby is devastating to a mother's sense of self and fun. For nine months you cannot drink, smoke, or pollute your body in any way. After the birth, you still can't really find time to drink or smoke, add to that, sleep in, vacation away from home, or even work without feeling a sense of dread and guilt. You are needed 28 hours a day. I assure you, if she works too, she feels squeezed from both ends.


OP, whether your wife thinks it's okay or not, she probably needs a break. Probably a long one. She had 9 months of no fun at all. She is trying to adjust and find herself again. She has no time to herself and when she does take some, she probably can't enjoy it completely because she feels guilty. And if you are smoking pot, she probably feels she deserves to party a little bit, too.

I'm not trying to judge you, but cut her some slack, please. Being a mother is difficult. She probably just wants a little bit of escape. From the house and everything that is in it.

I felt like this for at least a year after my child was born.

Aside from these coming home late and "pawning off the baby" on you, how often do you intentionally make sure she has the day/night off from caring for the child? Every few days? once a week? She needs time to relax, and take a breather, especially if she is also working while caring for such a young child

When you are both home do you make sure that you put forth just as much effort into changing diapers, preparing formular, feeding/consoling/cleaning the baby as she does?