Unrequited Love and Functional Asexuality

Post Reply New Topic

/delurks herself, having made a preliminary reconnaissance of the unfamiliar territory/

/bows/ I'm Kymanthiel. I am an Aspie girl, age 20. I never know how to do introductory posts.

I may have improperly posted this question the Women's Forum, as I suppose its rightful place would be in the Love and Dating Forum, but I am a bit freaked out by the levels of mean-spiritedness and prejudice that seem to exist over there. (I realize that this board has its share of issues, but overall this seemed a less-hostile place... )

Even though I have self-identified as lesbian since I was 16, (which was in and of itself a LONG, tumultuous process), there have been periods, both pre- and post- self-identification, where I have seriously examined the idea that I might in fact be asexual.

I'm going through one of those periods again, although for completely different reasons than the previous times. Each time before has been about whether I experience any sexual desire at all, at least in the sense that society seems to define it in. Now, the huge pseudo-philosophical thought-tangle is more concerned with this: If I only experience attraction to/desire for one other person, and she doesn't reciprocally experience those emotions for me, can I honestly consider myself to be sexual?"

Before I met the person referenced in my question, (I'll refer to her as "S.") the only desire/physical attraction I had ever experienced was for fictional female characters, and it was very slight compared to the desire/attraction I feel for S. This small feeling of desire for the female form (the only form I thought of as "beautiful", the only form I could even identify with , for that matter) was the basis of my self-identification as lesbian. When I finally did meet S., at age 18 in one of my college classes, I was quite taken back at how happily nervous I felt in her presence, and how fascinating her physical form seemed to me. Of course, at this time, I still didn't know I was an Aspie, so of course I said/did a bunch of really stupid things to/around S., because I: A.) had no idea about how to act with someone you liked, and B.) was too caught up in the whole experience of being infatuated with someone to even attempt to self-monitor and cut down on the mannerisms that I knew, even pre-diagnosis, were off-putting to "normal" people.

However, S., unlike the vast majority of NTs in the world who have been in this situation (an Aspie is majorly crushing on them, and they don't have mutual feelings for said Aspie), did not avoid me. She initiated a friendship with me, even though I did not live on campus and thus had no real reason to interact outside of our one shared class. It turned out that S. was very interested in languages, history, world religions (although she was Pagan like me), fantasy literature, philosophy.... pretty much everything I'm interested in. She had not only been in two very complicated unrequited love situations herself, one of them involving another female (!), she also had such a way of intuitively understanding my emotions that she knew I was having a sensory overload problem even when I acted exactly like I had before the overload started.

Meeting S. was obviously one of the best things to have ever happened to me. When I was with her, I didn't really think about the fact that I experienced no attraction to anyone except her, because my whole world was her. It was SO HUGE for me to finally experience infatuation with A REAL LIVE HUMAN BEING! Not only that, I also finally could prove to myself (trying to overcome the doubts my Christian upbringing had indoctrinated into me) that I was indeed a lesbian: after all, S. was a girl, and I, also a girl, felt giddy at the mere sight of her running her fingers through her bangs.

But this state of affairs came to an abrupt end when both S. and I were forced to withdraw from our college. I moved halfway across the country (to Iowa), and she moved back to her hometown (in North Carolina)--- that's over 1,000 miles apart. I still am in absolute and total unrequited love with her--- but that's beside the point. The point is, when we moved apart from each other, is when I realized that I feel virtually no desire for anyone except S.. We communicate via cell phone and letters (I thank the Gods that she still wants to be friends with me ), so it's not as though I'm trying to prolong a no-longer-existent friendship. But I guess it comes back to what I said earlier... If I only experience attraction to/desire for one other person, and she doesn't reciprocally experience those emotions for me, can I honestly consider myself to be sexual?"

I mean, I'll see some fairly (to me) good-looking girls, but.... nothing moves me except the thought of S.

I guess I'm wondering if anyone else has ever experienced a similar situation.... you are so very painfully unrequitedly in love with a person that no one else moves you... and as you aren't getting whatever physical things you want from your person, you become "functionally asexual"?

P.S. Thanks to anyone who has read all the way through this post. I needed to post about this somewhere, even if I don't get any replies.

I'm going to say first that I have no experience with anything like this. But since no else has replied, I'm going to go for it.

Desiring only one person (out of the finite number of people you have met), or holding out for a person you really feel attracted to, does not make you asexual. Asexual, as I understand it (and so far seem to experience it), means that you can't imagine being attracted to any person in that way.

So here's the question: Does your attraction to S involve a desire to be sexually involved with her? (Assume mutual interest and consent.) Or do you love her in a different way? If the answer to the first question is "yes", then I think you can fairly consider yourself to be sexual, regardless of whether or not S actually does reciprocate. Unrequited love does not make you "functionally asexual". It makes you abstinent.

Plenty of people think that's a virtuous thing to be.

Good luck with your long-distance friendship/romance.

From what you are saying, you are capable of sexual feelings, so you are not Asexual, just selective and abstinent.

If you can never requite this love, perhaps think of what you love about this woman and find ways to meet women of the same caliber.

It sounds like the love did not become intense until you really got to know her, and that you shared common interests and that she was a worthy object of your desire, but I could be projecting a bit there.

Is it possible that the only reason you can only imagine being intimate with her because other people you know don't compare? In other words, expanding your circle of friends and actively joining groups that engage in the kind of things that you enjoy and attract people like you and your love might put you in a position to get to know people who are as wonderful as S.

Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. And yes, if you are capable of feeling sexual attraction to S. then you are not Asexual, but because of how selective you are you may spend long periods being abstinent.

This question is probably a little over the line, so I won't ask you to actually respond. Have you ever had an Orgasm? I ask because it sounds like you may not have, and perhaps experiencing that physical sensation will assist you in answering this question. Again, you don't have to publicly answer the question, I just think it's an experience you should have before you decide to become asexual for life.

Hello Kymanthiel,

I´ve been in this situation before (with men though, as I am not a lesbian)- but, well, the same kind of situation. I seem to have feelings/attraction for people kind of rarely, but when it happens, it really happens, and I want that person and only THAT person. I can´t even think about/feel desire for anyone else in this situation. I wouldn´t worry about it too much, I think it sounds pretty normal, and you don´t sound asexual to me.