Socially crippled

Post Reply New Topic

I've been single for the last two years, give or take, and truth be told I'm getting fed up with the idea.
The thing is, I am completely incapable of initating a conversation with someone I don't know-a trait that I'm sure is highly widespread across this board. Whilst I've come on in leaps and bounds since my early years as very introverted child, I still lack the courage to talk to someone who takes my fancy.

Let me give you a classic example of my social ineptness.

Today, I got caught out in the rain whilst strolling around town. I ran into the nearest shelter which happened to be the infamous George Bar on North Great George's Street which is a popular hang out for the gay community.
As some of you may or may not be aware, I'm bicurious so I don't mind if I get eyed up by the occasional lesbian or two. Anyways, I was sitting at the bar drinking a glass of orange juice and trying to warm up when I noticed a cute young blonde sitting by herself in the corner.

She was doing a crossword puzzle and looked somewhat perplexed. I thought to myself that she must be a pretty brainy type to be doing cross words and I flirted with the idea of going over to kindly offer a helping hand.

But I didn't.

I was afraid that she'd either be one of those cliched "man-hating feminist butch" lesbians that would come on too strong for my tastes or that she'd think I was one.

I was worried about what to say and how to approch her as I'd never had much experience with flirting AT ALL, let alone with a person that shared the same gender as myself. I worried that I might come across as a confused, awkward bi-curious dork, that I might make a complete arse of myself and either have her ridicule me or tur me away flat.

So, I resigned myself to quietly watching her from the corner of my eye as I sat sipping my juice, constantly trying to work out how to simply just introduce myself and start a flow of conversation. I watched her until she finished her crossword and got up to leave so by the time I'd worked out any remote sense of courage, she was gone in an instant.

I felt like an idiot and mentally berated myself for a wasted oppertunity.

So, trying to distract myself, I asked the barman what time the lounge area would be opening as the pub is famous for the adjacent nightclub and disco. He said five o' clock in the evening so I told him I might come back later, provided I find someone to go with.

That last comment caused a middle aged gay man sitting next to me to gasp "A gorgeous little thing like yourself? Why, I bet you must be beating them down with sticks!"

Whilst I appreciated the complement, I was a little taken aback by it as I'm not used to recieving praise. I engaged him in some animated conversation where he cooed over my "hour glass figure" and bitched about the weather and I felt myself loosen up a little.

We chatted for a little bit and I managed to start a chat about Peter Andre-who was singing Mysterious Girl on the tv over the bar-which seemed to go well.

The gay man left shortly after, though so i wound up back at square one.

I suppose when someone else starts the conversation it's easier for me to go with the flow rather than start things off. Put in charge of a situation, I feel out of my comfort zone and I tend to get quite introverted.

It really shouldn't be this way for me as I have no problem chatting the ears off my family and a few close friends-they tell me I never shut up!-so I just can't understand why I freeze up when I try to talk to someone new.

Does anyone else here have a simular problem to mine?

Extroverted, outgoing and chatty among friends but cripplingly shy, introverted and unassuming in the company of strangers?

This problem is really starting to get to me as I'm fed up with being single and whilst I'm not looking for cheap thrills, someone to laugh with and enjoy the simple things in life would be a nice addition to my life right now.
I miss that fuzzy feeling of being smitten with someone and enjoying another human's company.

As unsociable as I can be at the best of times, I'm growing warm to the idea of socialising as I want to make new friends and possibly find myself a partner.

Any thoughts?

The Personals? It's worth a try, just to see what happens, even if it goes nowhere.

Get rid of complex thinking and always remind yourself that inside everyone is a small child who likes a bit of loving attention. And get over the fear of nasty responses, your social actions should be truly social not seeking nice responses.

I'm in a similar boat, although when I do approach women they aren't that social so I gave up that idea.
When your getting one and two word responses, it is time to move on.

I'd say your best bet is to look for those that are interested in you. Let them handle the approach and you can work on looking approachable and have a good conversation for when they do. If your uncomfortable, they will sense it and things won't go well. (Plus, as a girl you can do this. Guys are stereotypically the "hunters" anyways)

it seems to me, based on your story, that you think too much about what could go wrong that it becomes "this will go wrong". if you are willing to take the first step in introducing yourself to someone you have to keep an open mind. don't go over the "what ifs". the more people i talk to, the more i realize that i seriously underestimate them...and myself. don't worry so much. hugs for you.

Shastania - I think I'm in a very similar position - it's been nearly 2 years since I've even been on a date, and the one time I pushed past the overwhelming shyness, my talking was so forced and awkward that I didn't have a hope. Also, the one gay club in my town is horrible, and there isn't anyone interesting looking in the personals in my area.

I have a plan which I'm just starting to put into action, so I have no idea if it'll work - perhaps someone has tried and can forewarn me of its unsuitability.. Anyway, the plan is to look obviously gay using clothes, hair, rainbow items, perhaps some big muscles.

It's unnatural for me to go to so much effort with my appearance, but I figure my best chance is that someone will spot me and start the conversation, ask for the phone number etc. The chances that someone suitable will turn up in my small circle of friends is very very small, and although I'm happy single, it would be nice to think there's hope for a partner sometime in the future.

*hugs*

"Socially crippled?" I don't know. I just found out I wasn't meant to have any friends.

Learn from here : http://www.charismaarts.com join the forums, ask questions, don't be a "it's a guy site" snob, and you'll learn a lot, the guys there are fantastic. If you can try to meet with a teacher, I'm sure they could give you pointers or see if you can't hook a ride along with someone being taught near where you live.

You got to face you fears, and find people who have insight into socializing like the above site, or you'll never get anywhere, you got to melt the big block of ice (weirdness/anxiety, etc) preventing you from relating to others and achieving the happyness you want.

This may seem like a problem, but if you think past 'it might happen' and assume it does, the worst plausible outcome is you would spend some time chatting to a man-hating butch lesbian who is coming on too strong. You have every right to simply turn and walk away, go to the bathroom and do not come back if need be. You're unlikely to ever see the person again unless you arrange to.
If she thinks poorly of you, again, you're unlikely to ever see the person again unless you arrange to, so her opinion of you is only relevant if she has the good taste to like you. Otherwise you'll have no more impact on each other than two ships passing each other in early morning daylight.


You get better at these by doing them. It may help to assume you will make an arse of yourself, that way the worst result is no worse than you expect. You have no reason to fear the results of the rejection of a stranger simply because they are a stranger (I do not give the same advice in regards to people you have a relationship with and will continue to have to interact with).

It's a game or experiment rather than a test; you should expect to fall down just as people do when riding a bike, and you should expect that it's so natural to fall down that it's no reflection on you other than proof that you're giving it a try and progressing. We do not think people are foolish for falling off bikes, no one you need interact with in the future will think the worse of you. Remember if you are making your attempts with strangers, the only likelihood of seeing them in the future (and their opinion ever being able to impact on you) is if things do work out. If things do not work out, you can consider it a funny and cute personal fumble that is endearingly you and love yourself for being humble enough to laugh and brave enough to keep going.

You seem great to me; remember if you let your light out from under a bushel and some complete stranger fails to appreciate the glow, you are not responsible for their lack of sight and vision and they'll probably have forgotten you (if things do not work out) by the time they're half way through their next meal anyway. Consider them a guinea pig and move on to the next experiment.

As for lost opportunities you were 'too shy' to act on, do not flagellate yourself over them. You do what you can in any particular moment, and every opportunity you do not take is simply the opportunity before the one that will pop-up after it. Like trains in a comprehensive and reliable public transport system, there'll be another just as good coming along soon.

Wow... all I can say is that.. is EXACTLY me...

Except that sometimes I'll be that cripplingly shy, introverted, unassuming person around people I know... like my friend Ben >_< (Him in particular, I'm not sure if its because I like him, or if its because he's just one of those people who are really... strong of heart, so to speak, and seems to have such a path in life you can't help but to feel inferior around... or that for some reason I look up to him, but whatever it is, no matter how much we hang out, I can't think of a thing to say around him and usually just follow him around like a shadow... its really awkward (I'm like to the point I wonder why he ever asks me to hang out... think he's just desperate for ANY company, even silent company, at times), and feels terrible... but I can't seem to pull out, even though I've known him for 2 years now)

So like, usually when I first meet people, I'm really reserved, don't know how to react, or what to say and stuff. Some people I manage to click well with pretty easily, like last years roommate... basically since day 1 of meeting her, we couldn't shut up, even months later, we still spent nearly every night talking until 5am... like there was so MUCH stuff to talk about, yet when I'm around other people (like Ben), I can't think of ANYTHING that is even worthy of being mentioned... its strange how different people get along...


in social situations where I just meet people... my brain tends to freeze up, and I just don't really know how to react.. whole mind slows down, barely hear the person, their speach becomes slurred in my head (probably due to that auditory processing thing, btu whatever), I'm not sure if I understand everything, don't pick up on alot of subtle hints, or not-so-subtle hints or allegories and stuff... just drop out of myself and become a shell and say things by rote... Its really, really strange...

Like I have a pretty strong sense of self, I'm always present, when alone and stuff, my mind is always working, and always thinking (my thoughts have a certain voice to them, and pattern of talking), but as soon as I get stuck in an "awkward" situation (awkward for me, not for 95% of the populace though), my... "inner self" sort of dissapears, my inside voice gets higher pitched, it doesn't flow properly, I can't think of what to say, I don't *FEEL* like me, I can't recall things as fast... I just like switch, like I'm a coin, and someone flipped me to the other side... but the second I'm with company I'm used to, old me comes back (or slowly afterwords when awkward situation disipates... so like mind slowly thaws, then I'm back to me, but usually horrified and fretting over everything I should've said/done that I didnt)

I know I ruminate alot, and that I can't help but to over think, but thats like... who I am... thats how my mind works, I can't imagine any other way, and I certainly cannot imagine how one would even be capable of changing it (not that I really want to, because I actually like my thought patterns... they can be entertaining )

Back to more topicish... really can't help you... I've yet to even go out on a date, so for that aspect, completely useless to ya... as to anything else... still pretty useless, I'm almost trapped in that state of bi-polar-ality (not bi-polar disease, but bi-polar in the sense theres almost 2 versions of me ), soooo just saying how I TOTALLY and COMPLETELY understand...


Oh yeah, for the person who commented on 'whats the worst that can happen' if you talked to her thing...

...I'm still scared of all that, personally.

Thats how I have to convince myself to do X-task, is by slowly going through all possible outcomes, and weighing the worst possible against the best possible, and sometimes the odds of each, to see if I'm capable of doing that task... but sometimes I'm wrong >_<

Like two years ago, I knew Ben for aroudn 4 months at that time... and I was DYING of boredom... so much so I went to the gym out of boredom (so not me). So like, I decided that I'd call Ben and ask if he wanted to play a basketball game or something. Except that, despite hte fact I've known him for 4 months, calling him is certainly no easy task... I've had yet to do it, because I jsut dont call people... I'll live without something if it involves having to call someone usually. But I was incredibly bored, so I went down through the potential responses I could get from calling, and came up with thus:
1) He doesn't pick up. Oh well, no basketball, but hey, nothing hurt there.
2) He's busy, and says no. Oh well, no basketball, but not really all that painful, atleast I tried.
3) He isn't busy, and would like to. Cool, something to do, and wasn't *too* painful... right?

Thats about it... what else could happen? Its a yes or no question really, so nothing lost in calling.... So I decided to call him after debating for about 20 minutes.
Pick up the phone, call him, he picks up, I ask... uh oh, I was wrong. There *WAS* another option...
Ended up he has a friend over, so he *WAS* busy, but he was so shocked that I actually called, that he almost felt obligated (or did felt, or did just wanna hang, I don't know... to me feels like obligation, so makes things worse) to do something with me, but his friend wouldn't like basketball, so he'd come pick me up and we'd go find soemthing else to do. In the end... I'm doing something, so alls not lost... but on the other hand, its so beyond the worst of all possible outcomes. I like, live my life, trying to avoid hindering others (bad idea, I know, just gonna cause pain in the end, like here, but its like instinctive to not get in the way of others), so having someone feel obligated to do something with me feels HORRIBLE, besides the fact that I'm now intruding upon the time he was spending with his friend... only so I could follow him around like a mute stringbean... so yeah, basicaly ended up feeling horrible about the whole thing, and that was after my careful deduction that nothing bad could come from it XD
(yeah, yeah, super over-thinking... but its so bothersome!! !!)





ok, ramble over sorry XD


so um... yeah, I find it hard to even find someone to talk to to just become friends, never the less to flirt or anything O_O (not that I even know what would constitute as flirting, haha)... but your not alone! (if thats comforting, maybe it isnt XD)