Does Anyone Else Have Trouble Feeling Attraction???

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OK, I have a question for the other women: do any of you have trouble feeling attraction for men? My experience is that, in the fast-paced world of today, it seems to be expected that I "feel something" instantly. Generally there is resentment if I am unsure, so I often feel pressured to make a snap decision- "yes" or "no"- based on almost no information. Ideally, I would like to take my time in these matters and get to know someone slowly, but alas!- I know no men who have this kind of patience.

I figure my lack of feelings could be due to several possible reasons:

1) Maybe, due to childhood bullying and experiences of the past, I´m just not "open enough" to allow myself to feel?

2) Because I guess I don´t pick up unconscious signals, maybe this is why people I barely know just seem like a blank to me? (Is it those unconscious signals that enable people to feel attraction so quickly???)

3) Maybe I just lack the ability to feel what others do?

On the other hand, when watching films or music videos, I very often feel attraction for the male actors or singers. I guess this could be due to the following possible reasons:

1) Maybe I feel safe, knowing they can´t harm/insult/reject me in any way?

2) Maybe the medium of film and music just "speak to me more", allowing me to feel a connection?

3) Maybe the actors/singers are just more attractive than the men I meet in life???

Do any of you have similar experiences?

Yes some do. And those are the kind you want, rare as they may be.
The ones who demand an immediate answer absolutely deserve an immediate "NO!".

Of course you should say no if you are not attracted! Yes would mean "rape me" then.

BUT... It's not just a YES or NO question. How about MAYBE or NOT SURE YET?
If that's not good enough for him then the answer is NO.
It is reasonable to say that you need to know someone before you can be attracted.
It is reasonable to suggest a date in a safe place where you are not alone with him.
It is reasonable to wait and talk a lot (get to know him) until you know if U R attracted or not.
Reasonable for any kind of person.

edit:
Life is not like movies because
In movies you DO get to know the characters without talking to them, but they aren't real.
oops,I'm not a woman,sorry!

I have 3 categories for people in accordance with attraction.

1. No attraction. No matter what you do or how much either of us try, I shall never be attracted to you.

2. Maybe. Depends entirely upon personallity, how much I know you, respect you and trust you.

3. Am immediately and/or very attracted. Period.

There are very, VERY few people who start in 3. (Actually, I can only think of a handful if that.) People can move in my spectrum. People from 2. can move either way, people from 1. are stuck forever, people from 3. can drop if their personallity is extremely turn-offish.

As for actors, I don't count them. In my mind I see them as fictional characters that can be "hot" or not depending on their charactor at the moment and my mood. I don't know them only whomever they are attempting to portray.

No.

Feel something instantly? No. It takes me a while to warm up to people. On to commenting on what else you said:

Yeah maybe. I suspect this might be part of my problem.

Ummm.... well I usually pick them up, but they tend to make me uncomfortable beacuse I don't know how to react to it.

Could be, but how the hell can you really know what "others" feel?

Sure, no risk. And no interaction so you don't have to worry about you.

Very possible. Some music really affects me. I don't transfer this to the singer though, although I did when I was younger.

Well they probably are. Men in real life rarely wear makeup and read perfectly from a script. Of course, it would be pretty creepy if they did.....

Morgana, you sound pretty normal to me. Sometimes I like someone (of either sex) right away but most of the time I haven't got a clue who they are and need time to get to know them first. And even when I do like someone right away that doesn't mean I'm physically attracted to them right away. I still need to get used to them. And if I were attracted to someone right away, I'd be worried about my judgement.

Real life is nothing like what they write for film and TV.

Autraction? topic

I have never felt attraction to men , nor they to me. This was something I accepted long ago. but I still had those feelings for you-know-what, and until recently, "satisfaction" happened.

As it is, all I wanted from men was children. (I did not understand sperm banks, nor could I have afforded them.) I have no need of relationships with significant others of either sex/gender.

Having said as much, best wishes to others if it is relationships they need/desire.

First off, I thank you all for answering me. Based on some of your replies, I think I should specify a few points- (I was trying to make my original Post short-ish, I didn´t want to drone on and on...):

My feelings don´t transcend to any actors, per se, I tend to be "attracted" to the characters they play in movies (therefore, an actor can be totally endearing in 1 film, and thoroughly disgusting in the next). I am fully aware of the fact that it is not real; I just brought up this point because it does prove that I have the biological ability to feel attraction. I think part of the reason I can feel this way about these fictional characters is that, through film, I see many aspects of their lives, so I get to "know them" in an easier and more genuine way, without having to "figure them out"; (maybe I should also mention that I normally don´t tend to go for the typical, overblown Hollywood movies). By contrast, in "real" life, what I see around me tends to be a lot of superficiality and "play acting". There´s so much posing and posturing that it´s hard for me to see who the real person is underneath. I often have the feeling that men try to hide the very aspects of themselves that I would actually be attracted to, and the images they put on tend to turn me off. I guess I am also looking for someone unconventional, but the men who tend to approach me act so alike, it´s as if they are all trying to be the same person!

To zghost, who wrote: ....how the hell can you really know what "others" feel? :

You´re right, I don´t know what others feel, this is pure conjecture on my part. On the- (very few, I admit)- occasions that I have spoken to women about relationships, it seems to be clear that they don´t have my problem; in fact, I usually sit quietly with nothing to say while they talk about their passions. Once or twice, I tried to tentatively bring up my problem, only to be met with shock...they looked at me like I was from another planet or something...(okay, I´ll give them credit there). Judging by the society around me, it would seem that most people feel differently...but who knows?...I never really had anyone to talk to about these things before, so I have nothing to compare to.

To ValMikeSmith (oops, you´re not a woman ):

Basically I agree with what you wrote, and I do tend to say "no". However, for this reason, I have been celibate for the last 12 years...I am trying to find a way out of this predicament...When too long a time elapses, I sometimes tend to change my strategy or lower my standards. I am not exactly proud of these behaviors, but I guess I wasn´t ready to make the commitment to live like Mother Theresa. I guess I´m also just still trying to work it all out...


One final note:

As it seems to be a given that men are most attracted to me when they know almost nothing about me, there is, of course, the worrying thought that there may be something in my innate personality that is a turn off. If that is the case, I don´t know what it is...I can only guess...

You might like the discussion of male-female differences in attraction in Mars and Venus on a Date. Not saying you'd agree with it (since people are complex), but it might be food for thought, give you some ideas on how to discuss it with various people.

Thanks Anemone, I never heard of that book before. I´ll check it out. Although, I did read "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus", and I wasn´t AT ALL like Venus! Hmmmm....oh well. Guess it´s a all a lifelong process, self-identity, understanding other people and the like.

(I have realised it's cliches and not metaphors I am overusing)

It is a life long process - you've hit the nail on the head.

I tend to be more easily attracted to fictional characters as well. My theory is that when I'm interacting with actual people there is some kind of "glitch" occurring in my brain that has to do with interacting that prevents me from ever getting to that part of the experience that would be responsible for attraction.

I've also found myself "falling in love" with professors who give lectures or other people I observe but don't have to interact with.

When I'm interacting I tend to be self-conscious, which I think prevents me from being really open to the other person. The real life experience of interacting with a person also tends to be way intense with so much more sensory input than watching a TV show.

I do get attracted to men, but its rare or I have to work really hard to maintain the initial feelings. I often frustrate the men Im with through my lack of feeling and my lack of voicing & showing those feelings through the usual affectionate ways. I just cant do it.
They therefore assume wrongly that I dont care

I have to demonstrate my feelings by doing other things such as making dinner, watching a dvd or tv on the sofa together, if i didnt like the man I am with I wouldnt do these things. I guess as he is NT its harder for him to understand. Hes getting there but is going to take a while. He will wear me out and/or push me towards meltdown with his questions many times over before he fully gets there. However I feel he is worth it at least!

I also agree. I find I don't even really 'register' people around me on a level where I would be aware of being attracted to them or not, but there are many, many men in entertainment who I find attractive.

I don't think that's it's a sexual attraction even then, though, as I consider myself fundamentally asexual and have no interest in having sex with anyone - simply aesthetic and emotional. If I find an actor attractive, I like his personality (at least as far as I can without knowing him in real life), and I like the way he looks. I'd get enjoyment of seeing him with his clothes off because I like how he looks, but I still would have no interest in having sex with him even if I had the opportunity. Something in me can't seem to understand what need there would be for it or what vitally important extra I would get out of it. Someone I once spoke to about asexuality said that the initial correct response seems to be there in my brain, but it just doesn't go any further and become a physical response.

I consider that not even feeling that first stage of attraction to people in real life, though, is related to problems with interaction. I have to be concentrating very hard when I'm interacting, to make sure I'm not missing or forgetting anything or interpreting the person wrongly. It doesn't leave a lot of mental energy for looking at them on deeper levels and registering a possible attraction. It's exactly the same as how I have trouble remembering faces of people I meet in real life, but no trouble remembering those of people on TV. After having to interact, there isn't any energy left to take in details like that. If I'm not having to interact, my brain can relax. It's free to take in and remember the details of physical appearance, free to give time and power over to looking at the person on a deeper level and assessing whether I find him attractive.

Yeah, that makes a lot of sense; I think that may be the case with me, too. Thanks for bringing that point up.

I also realize that I don´t really notice people around me sometimes, either. Most of the men whom I felt attraction for in real life were people who were hovering around in the background...people who worked with me, or whatever...who I didn´t really notice at first. Then, over time, the feelings sort of "sneaked up on me". Feeling pressured to make a snap decision doesn´t work for me.