Sex Positive

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Does anyone identify as Sex Positive?- mainly women

I've done some crazy things involving sex, and had some extremely bad encounters as well, but not from anything that was my idea.

I would like to start a sex positive thread, as I'm new, and I've already read some not-so replies in the Women's Forum- SHAME!!

This thread is meant to be completely non judgemental of anyone's healthy sex practices, including, but not limited to-

BDSM
SEX WORK
GLBT
POLYAMORY
TANTRA
BI RACIAL
SWINGING

You don't have to talk about or mention personal affiliation with any alternative sexual practices, but please don't feel afraid to.

I probably normally wouldn't post in the Women's Discussion forum -- except possibly to ask questions... but Tiffany and I both identify as bisexual and polyamorous. We're not wild by any stretch of the imagination. I can count the people we've been with in one hand. But I do know that she's generally willing to answer questions for people who are curious about our experiences. So am I, I just have the other set of parts.

I am so grateful for the reply, even though you are male. Hee Hee. Disbanding stereotypes of Poly and Bi people is sooo crucial, especially to sex positive Aspie women who try to explain everything about sex in society! I'm really not that good at it, but it's a personal struggle that I'm dealing with in my life. I wish, one, that men gave a care about talking to me like a person with a mind, and two, that the guy that I'm trying to hook up with wanted to have sex as often as I do. I have recently learned that masturbating is not the same thing as wanting sex with another person. I am horny, a lot, but rarely do I EVER pursue a relationship or try to have sex with someone directly. I've had serious AS related problems in thinking that I could do so because I used to ignore who I was, and it was devastating. However, in putting it out there that I want sex from a guy up front, I've been successful in recently getting what I wanted. Unfortunately, he is an alcoholic, and hasn't grasped the concept of Asperger's and me, and I cannot pursue anything serious with him at this time.
It's probably best for both of us. Neither can really commit to anything. I find myself more attracted to men with issues like this current guy. We have a blast, but it is short lived, and not without scrupples.

Sex is positive. If I am in a positive relationship. I have learned how to make those feelings go away, until I can properly use them. It is the hardest thing I had to do. I love making love, but only to someone I love.

So I am patiently waiting for someone to show up again, who is amazing and intelligent and witty and all that jazz. Very important though, they must speak of sex openly and honestly. I am human, and no part of myself must be guilted upon, for any reason. Atleast, now I know, if I am feeling sad about wanting someone sexually, then they do not want me; therefore, I obviously do not need them around, no matter how much of my brilliant sexual appetite, I have let out of the closet. Close the doors and start over time.

As you can see, I am in the closed door mode. Wonder how many years it will take. I count on years, so I am not sad in a few months. lol. Oh, rambling. Later

I guess I'm not sex-positive by the OP's definition. I don't think it's any of my business what people do in their personal lives, even if they're totally screwed up. We're all human, after all, and sex is personal, so what you do with it is a personal decision.

But my experience of the phrase "sex positive" is that it is used as an ideology to push "anything goes" on the general public without thought to consequences, which to me sounds adolescent and immature.

I am against sex between adults and children, as well as between humans and other species. I consider it inethical.

I am also against paid sex work, because it goes against my training in ethics (money can be coercive, and most people in sex work would rather not be there), and because it harms so many. However, I recognize that not all are harmed by it, just as not all "victims" are harmed by child sex abuse (and some would like it to be legalized), and I even read the memoirs of a soldier who had a good time in Vietnam and wanted to go back for more, so obviously everyone is different, and it depends on circumstances. I'm against it because of the overall harm, not because I think all people in it are victims.

I tend to think of BDSM as immature, but hey, it's none of my business. I do think that when people practice fetishes, they reinforce them and make them stronger, like any habit, and I think people should be warned about that.

I'm also not impressed by polygamy. My impression is that it only works when there is a power imbalance. When there is a balance of power between members, I suspect the relationships won't have long term stability. But people will experiment. *shrugs* Ditto for swinging. But I suppose they're no more crazy than extreme sports.

We have a Sex Party in municipal politics in Vancouver. They've done things like public sex to get their point across. I see them as more like arrogant exhibitionists than genuinely interested in healthier sexuality. To me exhibitionism is me involved in a three-way without my consent. No thanks. Keep it off the city streets, please!

mixtapebooty, how do you define "healthy sex practices"? I'm all in favour of genuinely health sex practices, but my impression of the "sex positive" attitude is that it doesn't always meet my own definition of healthy (no coercion; overall improvement or maintenance of mental health over time).

To me it's like drug use. Everyone does drugs of some sort or other at least some of the time (relaxants like alcohol, chocolate, fat; stimulants like sugar, caffeine; stronger relaxants and stimulants, hallucinogens). It's perfectly normal and healthy in moderation. But some drugs do more harm than good, (e.g. smoking) and I don't think there's anything wrong with providing good information to the public about the objective risks involved, short term and long term, and discouraging behaviour that's harmful overall, even if individual people get off scot-free.

Sorry if this kills your thread. I just think ethics need to be considered.

I am poly.
It does not mean that I run around and anything goes...
I just happen to have two boyfriends, and one of them has another girlfriend.
It evolved that way over time. My "primary"(I don't really like the term)...The guy with whom I live and am business partners with and am financially completely intertwined, had issues with infidelity, and had issues from the beginning about being a "non-mongamous" person..For a long time it caused alot of stress on our relationship and we have broken up a few times partially from that stress...But then i ended up getting romanticly involved with my very good friend...and we have been seeing each other for about 5 months, and the whole non-monogamy thing doesn't seem so scary anymore. It has taken alot of mental adjustment...but it is alot more positive than getting cheated on all the time, and i really care alot about my friend and am glad that I get to see him, even though it's only a couple of times a week if I am lucky. Now my main partner does not feel he has to cheat on me in order to see his mistress..there is no cheating...yay.

I've been generally turned off by BDSM as well. There've been quite a few occasions on which Tiff and I met someone who said "I/we are into mild BDSM but it's not a big deal, we can take it or leave it", and the very next thing we know, we can't get them to shut up about some really extreme BDSM practice they really like, such as scat or blood play. The dom/sub thing in general also just annoys me. I can't get past the thought that both the doms and the subs are being immature - the doms because they want someone to justify their throwing tantrums if they don't get their way and the subs for wanting someone else to make all their decisions for them. But more power to them if that's what they want.

I have been told that there is a much broader BDSM community in which people are really just confused about what BDSM means and use the label to mean perfectly non-BDSM practices like oral sex. I've been told that those people are actually more common than extreme fetishists. That's not been my experience... it would be better than what I've experienced I think, but in general I would much rather people reserve the term BDSM for actual BDSM practices and use another term like "sex positive" to describe themselves if what they really mean is that they don't get squicked out by the idea of oral sex.



I've seen a handful of long-term polyamorous relationships which lasted for many years and claimed to be egalitarian. I've also seen a large number of monogamous relationships with huge power imbalances, which have actually been reinforced by entrenched sexism in our culture. And I know that the rate of infidelity in our culture is typically over 50% when people try to study it... although in our culture (or maybe any culture) sex is a subject that defies attempts to study it. What we know or think we know about sex and sexual relationships is likely inaccurate and certainly very very incomplete. The word "polyamory" was only added to the Kinsey institute's library a couple years ago if I remember correctly. Whether or not egalitarian polyamorous relationships can work long-term imo is entirely up in the air (as far as I know has not been seriously studied) and probably has a lot to do with the individuals involved.

Tiff and I have been together 8 years now and our relationship is MUCH healthier than the relationship that I had with my Catholic and monogamous ex (Tiff and I also have more liberal spiritual attitudes that are more similar than hers). It took me a year or so after we split for me to realize just how thoroughly emasculated I had been by that relationship.

Tiffany actually enjoys occasionally coming to me and just pleasing me sexually with no need for reciprocation, just because she loves me, and I've noticed that she does this more often when I've been depressed.

When we first got together I was unable to allow her to do that because sex had become a "chore" - it was my responsibility to read the other person's mind, know exactly what they wanted, when they wanted it and give it to them and then maybe, if she felt like it, it would be just okay if I enjoyed it too. And this was in a decidedly non-D/S relationship. Her job (my ex) was to want it when and how she wanted it, say nothing, be perfectly and completely sexually fulfilled and lay in the bed like a slab of meat and reciprocate in no way while I provided for her sexually.



I'm ambivalent. My mother was Mormon and very repressive and physically abusive to me (although I remember very little of it)... As an adult, I consider her extreme reactions to my natural sexual curiosity as a teenager to have been sexual abuse as well. And I'm inclined to think that a culture that chooses to place a dramatic emphasis on ensuring that children receive zero sexual education (until it's too late, which is when kids get it in US schools -- AFTER they've started experimenting) as being encouraging of that kind of sexual abuse of its children. I honestly could not tell you if I think a culture with legal public sex would be better or worse. I'm pretty sure that in our culture there are a lot of kids who are abused into being just generally ashamed of sex of any kind period. And that's no good. Having grown up that way, I'm more inclined to be bothered by that than by the alternatives because I'm familiar with the damage of "sex negative" culture first-hand. It was a major contributor to the incredibly unhealthy relationship I found myself in for 9 years with my ex. I still occasionally have PTSD-style symptoms in response to something as natural and innocuous as masturbation in private. Given that I would consider making kids generally ashamed of sex to be quite unethical.

But I've also read that people generally feel their own culture's sexual mores are repressive and hurtful, irrespective of what they are, even in some tribal cultures that are nudist. I guess you can't please everyone. But if there will always be people who experience your particular mores as harmful, that puts kind of a wrinkle in the notion of ethics as "not causing harm".

Last edited by ike on 30 Dec 2008, 3:01 pm, edited 5 times in total.

I'm sex-positive in that I believe people should do as they please sexually (sex is, at least in part, about pleasure after all) as long as they harm no one.

There are many varieties of sexuality and sexual activity that do no harm and yet are viewed with disdain by most of society. I do not think that any sex act or sexual lifestyle or sexual preference need be taboo as long as it is harmless.

I believe that adults should also have the freedom to decide how open they want to be about their sexuality or how private they want to be about it. There are pressures in both directions.

Sex positive. Pregnancy test positive and then there's HIV positive and so I am not feeling positive about that name sex positive.
I would be sex negative but whyyyhi why does it have to feel so good. As an adult naturally I am a sexual being. My body, my feelings, why, when and who I think about.
That is why I am sex negative because sexual feelings are so strong that it just cruel. I mean the feeling gets so intense between I have to masturbate. In the mean time drool over every guy I see. Then comes overwhelming sexual fantasies and often at the wrong place and time, like my mind telling my body or my body telling my mind I need a f**k and right now. I have not had any sex lately and I am the type of woman that needs to. I need to have sex most of the time.
I feel kind of tortured when my sexual needs are not meet and the only way they can be is with a man
and men.. that is a other story.
Sometimes I wish I could just f**k and never mind.. is getting too personal.
Physically I know what I need but what is more important than that is being able to be close to some one, like you love them or do.

Anenome-

I understand that this is a very broad topic for discussion, but I think that some key people have responded, and I like the diversity here, so here goes something that I think will fit in to the discussion.-

Healthy sex practices are hard to define at large, and are better tiered with exclusions to make up the rules and basic observation thereof.

I agree with you and Ike on the stance that sex with children is wrong, and so is any sexual manipulation of them by an adult, and also that sexual abuse is broader than the physical. I was sexually abused by my mother and step father, who are still married. Sexual abuse is considered, aside from the physical manifestations; improper or abnormal sexual power structures within a family, business, or entity, as is psycho-sexual neglect; i.e.- not informing your children of the dangers involving any abnormal sexual behaviour with adults, other children and themselves. By these standards, which are suited in protective rights, many many adults who were never raped or molested, have been sexually abused by their parents. Neglect is more than likely the most common form of parent child abuse in the world today, and neglecting the sexual health of children is something parents may find easier than providing the care that children need to become sexually healthy adults, also assuming parents are stereotyped as not really wanting to think about sex in general, making themselves unhealthy parents.

Per Ike-


Ike, you're right, that is sexual abuse.

The fore mentioned has pragmatic intention to keep children excluded in any sexual contact with adults, whether the adults are claiming to be sex positive or do not understand sexual health themselves. Sexual contact with kids is not conducive to sexually healthy children. However, communication intended to educate in a non invasive, clearly non judgemental, and ethical manner is good for parents and children.

I know that labels define undetected opposites within groups, but that perpetrators generally stay under the radar until repeat encounters persist. I am not offended that the underlying concept of sexual abuse exists in a discussion about being sex positive because unfortunately people will abuse children accordingly, and sex negative actions take place within communities, where lie opposite orientation. So, left up to keep defining and reinforcing what is and isn't community based sex positiveness, I will say that, it is people looking out for outstanding safety and sexual health of adults and children alike.

Anenome, I believe that you are more sex positive than you give yourself credit for, but you live in Vancouver, a bane of sex tourism and socially integrated sex work. No wonder you took such an interest in this topic.

What is it about men that tames your sexl drive? Men (in my personal life) tend to reject me to some degree or push their sex drives onto me, or both. I like to be the aggressor, but I'm shy and so I don't really go after men very often. Some would say that due to the lack of attempts, that I really don't like to be the aggressor. I don't find too many men attractive, and have mostly been with older guys, but I've been with a few women, and one that was in between somewhere. I tried to swear off men, then I met someone that showed some compassion, and I fell for it. I considered being sex negative myself, but that's not really what you want to do. Being sex positive means more than just thinking that it's ok to do whatever you want sexually. Men who act entitled to sex, for instance, are not being sex positive. Women who use abortion as repeat contraception when their pregnancies could have been prevented with other choices are also sex negative. I get the feeling that many people here have been exposed to bad examples of what sex positive means, and that some men have tried to take advantage of women here who want to be sexually open minded. Men being careless was the original reason that the concept was introduced by Richard Burkowitz. Anyway, the point of being sex positive is to be careful and communicate with your partners about mutual health and issues of interest. I hope that you can pull it together and get laid, if that's what you need to do.

I don't have any problem with getting laid or rejected by men. What I do have a problem with is whenever I am sex open or positive. Like you put, men seem to take advantage of that and they are so domineering sometimes it doesnt give me a chance to breathe or be sex postive in the positive way I want to.

I watched recently a movie called Black Snake Moan and I can relate to Christina Ricci. Very time she wanted to be sex postive, a man came along and made everything sex negative.

I tend to think the cure for that is to start looking for a different kind of man -- likely in a different kind of place.

I'd like to know more about this, please. It sounds interesting.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytCahBuriLo[/youtube]

This is a trailer for the documentary, Sex Positive a film produced and directed by Daryl Wein. I mispelled Berkowitz in the original sentence, my apology.

I can relate to Christina Ricci in Black Snake Moan as well. Her biggest problem was the type of men she was around, and whom she assumed would reason with her point of view and attitude. When they never did, she played the role that the men created for her, small town whore. However, she did have a problem with infidelity, and that doesn't sound like you or I.