How Does one Feel Compelled to be Their Gender?

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I'm not talking in terms of attraction but gender roles. I've always felt more like an entity than a gender. It's always been a pain in the butt to try and fit into that role. Not all women or women themselves just in the ways they dress and talk. The first thought that comes to mind is......what wrong with me?

I don't consider myself a tomboy and I've never had trouble in being attracted to guys. On the other hand, I've always been uncomfortable expressing my sexuality...as if I should be ashamed even though I'm straight. Not sure if this is making any sense.

Has anyone ever felt like this or had trouble fitting into a certain gender role?

I've never felt that I had to comply to a certain gender identity. I guess I'm lucky that way, I'm comfortable just being me. I usually avoid overtly feminine things like dangly jewelry and too much pink and makeovers. That just doesn't feel like me. I guess it helps that my mom and sisters were never really into that stuff either.

That doesn't seem to hinder my marriage. My hubby thinks I'm sexy even if I don't express it in the way I talk or act or dress. I've found when it's right, one feels comfortable with expressing such things. Shame or embarrassment aside, it's not always an advantage to exude sexiness. I pity people whose identities are based on their sex appeal.

When I was planning my wedding, one of the women helping me tried to force me to get a manicure. She refused to understand that I actually didn't want one. She was like "everyone should feel like a princess on her wedding day." I just wanted to feel like me. The idea of sitting still for a manicure was profoundly irritating. At the time I didn't associate it with my gender identity, but now that you ask, that's the one time I've come into the most conflict over expectations about my femininity.

Is there a specific person who expects you to act more feminine, or a specific way you feel like you want to express yourself but can't?

i have had people trying to force me to dress a certain way.
whenever i go out with my family my sister always puts makeup on me, and she sometimes does it when i go out alone.
i never see the point of this.

I've never understood this either; If anything, I'd be compelled to be the opposite of it.

Is this because, being straight, the expression of your sexuality is closely related to female gender expression, which you would rather express as neutral, but others don't see things in that way? I.e., when you express your sexuality, it involves displaying feminine characteristics as as sort of accidental side-effect.

Miss Construe, I think I understand what you're saying, please tell me if I'm off.

I have found that the moment a relationship turns "romantic," the guy starts acting a certain way, and he starts doing things that imply you should respond in a certain way. Like a lady. And for me, "lady" is a four letter word. I have no compulsion to respond in such a way, and sometimes, I want to be the one to do certain things for him, but it's a total gender reversal.

The sexual part was hard, because not only was I dealing with guys trying to be the "man," I felt pressure to be a certain way in bed, and there just was no way I could do it. I wasn't sure what to do, and there were times I felt like I was competing with the guy, and suddenly I felt it was a dominance issue. Where I wanted to be free to express my affection, my sexuality, my gender how I saw it, I also felt pressure to fit into a pigeonhole and become a stereotype.

It's too much stress for me. I'm bisexual, and the thing is, I attract much nicer women than men anyway, and while there are issues I have with women, those are much easier to deal with than the issues I have with men.

Am I even close?

Metta.

I was always a tomboy but when I got to a certain age I started to become feminine. Like all of sudden I started to like beautiful things like jewerly, make up and dressing up. I was still in primary school and I don't think it had anything to do with peer influences. It was just a feeling that came over me.

I was suprised that as soon as I started to develop and then on - of how sexual the opposite can be towards you. At first I liked it - then I didn't and learnt to manipulate some men to get what I want. However, that is after being subjected to abuse. A ten year old is too young to be sexualised in the way that I was. Actually I cannot think of time or age where I was not.

I was more autistic than AS as a child. I dont know why but men or older boys seemed to find it appealing that I was so shy and quiet. It makes me feel sad when I think about it and have had not very good experiences being female. I wasn't ever treated like a princess. My mom bashed the crap out of me and any of her partners was not nice either. Remember one of her boyfriends she was with along time was violent and sadistic. The only postive attention or affection I recieved as a child from the opposite sex was sexual.

I like some girly things, like make-up and designer clothes and that. But my personality is more tomboyish even if I look girly. I tend to be quite loud and opinionated, which girls aren't "supposed" to be.

Yeah, and that shame makes sence, actualy, if you grew up with strict Christians or something where people think seeing a butt crack is horrible.

Anyhow, on my end...
Gender roles are more other people's ideals than mine. I really don't feel "compelled" to form myself to their ideas unless I have to. You get a job, great. You earn the food, good for you. You want to wear wax and strange trinkets, feel free. *shrug* I hate this "be a fake/pretty girl" nonsence that enough people in my society love. I do have, very much, a problem fitting into it.

Last edited by LiendaBalla on 22 Jan 2009, 11:29 am, edited 5 times in total.

same here. I've always been like that, as a child I often got told off for not fitting into the "sweet little girl" role.

nowdays I often feel strange when my female friends complain about their boyfriends being messy, unemotional etc- they always talk about it as it was a gender thing, and that makes me feel like I don't fit in their cathegory because I do all the things that their boyfriends do that make them so irritated.

I never get along with women in any sort of social environment, be it school or work or anything else. I find the constant chatter annoying and their problems banal.

but at the same time I do a lot of "girly" stuff. I'm just as likely to read Vogue and the New Scientist :p

so I guess I'm a gay man in a womans body

I self-identified as female/feminine when very young, and have always gravitated to feminine role models. I like long hair and pretty dresses. But it can be confusing because for me "feminine" means approachable, the kind of person who kids feel safe around, whereas to men it seems to be about sex, which I'm not really tough enough to be comfortable with on their terms.

I guess the logical extension for me if I am feminine, is that sex is personal and that I need a romantic relationship for it, and time for dating before it comes to sex, but guys seem to want to skip that part. And for me sexuality is private as well as personal. The overt sexuality I see in the media is totally not me (though I've met people who have fun with it).

I am a man, and straight men tend to ignore or avoid me because I don't like sports, while gay men ignore or avoid me because I'm not gay.

I chose my own "role" in life, without regard to stereotypical behavior.

I've never identified with any gender or gender role, and I don't care.

I am whatever the f**k I am, and I like it.

I have never identified with a gender as such. I actually can't imagine what that really must feel like and for a long time never understood the importance it had to regular people. It may also be intersting to know that I have never understood racial prejudice even though I grew up where it was big time. I think some of us on the spectrum are wired to have a 'neutral' tilt towards many things for some reason.

I don't particularly feel very feminine and I definately don't identify with feminine role modles. I actually tend to dislike excessively feminine behavior. I wouldn't call myself masculine either but I do tend to have interests that make it easier to relate to men than to women but.. meh

I've never really thought about what it's like for others.. I just think of people as people.. not as a man or a woman. Just entities.

Maybe it's because all the people that tried to fit me into a specific gender-based role were complete jerks about it. I mean, when I consistently struck out, fumbled passes, missed free-throws, couldn't dribble the ball and walk at the same time, and really didn't care to roll around on the floor with another guy, then those who were good at baseball, football, basketball, and wrestling would verbally and physically abuse me.

Same thing happened at home when I showed no interest in watching professional sports, auto races, and war movies on TV. Dad would get mad at me if I got bored and tried to leave, fell asleep, or picked up a book and started reading, or even if I just sat there and just stared at the TV. Then he would think of some chore or errand that would get me out of his sight - something that usually involved what he contemptuously referred to as "woman's work" - and then call me back to fetch a beer, a fresh pack of smokes, or to just stand there during halftime while he explained to me once again why he thought I was a loser.

Dad also claimed to be a Christian, by the way ...

I think the OP's description of 'entity' is extremely accurate and descriptive.