"You're using it as a crutch..."

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...As said by my husband, who normally is a caring individual until my AS manifests itself in some inconveniently aggravating way.

Take today. Out of the blue, he says we are attending a new church. To me, this is huge news...Why wasn't I told, or at least asked, before today? Well, he'd told me last night when I'd woken to have a conversation.

I'm sure the conversation was quite lovely, even if I don't remember it.

And so, I say I resent being just jerked out of our home church, especially when I've just gotten comfortable with the other people. I wasn't prepared to have to deal with new people, I didn't realize I'd be "on display" (GOD! I hate being appraised by people I don't know), and I really don't want to leave my old church. I don't like change, you know this.

And in response...I'm being difficult and using my AS as a crutch to mask the fact that I just don't want to "fall in line" with him. It's just a visit to a new church. Get over it. You're making it "ALL ABOUT YOU".

*sigh*

Sometimes I just don't understand why I bothered to get diagnosed, when I still have to deal with my own husband acting like a cretin.

[/rant]

Ask him what people use crutches for.

Ask him don't people use crutches to help them cope?

Ask him when does he think your condition will be 'all better' and you will finally be normal?

Perhaps he does not understand that you are always going to be the way you are, with a few adaptations of course, but you can't be expected to be the only one to make accomodations in the relationship.

Merle

I doubt if many people would quietly acquiesce to being told that they are suddenly and unexpectedly to go to a new church, without any prior warning or discussion - a conversation in the middle of the night doesn't count as far as I'm concerned.

Sounds to me as if your husband is the one who is using your AS as some kind of excuse - for his being a "cretin" as you put it yourself.

Did you get a diagnosis for yourself, or for your husband?

Not a good idea because then it be being a smart ass and it prove his point she is using it as a crutch which she isn't.

this is not being a smart ass, although someone could think it was. I am glad you mentioned this because it is the husband that is being the smart ass. I think that the husband has not actually understood what his wife's diagnosis actually means. I don't think he understands that people that are not as social as he is have a handicap when living in a social person's world. The wife is pointing to her DX to tell the husband WHY she is not interested in leaving what is comfortable for her and being introduced all around to a new group of people. The husband is seeing her use the DX as a REASON for not wanting to go. This tells me that the husband does not actually understand his wife's situation in life, but thinks she will 'get better' and be more normal if she just wanted to.

you know as well as I do we are not going to become all normal anytime soon. But I don't think the husband knows that.

so, if someone asks the right questions it might just lead to a greater understanding of the real situation, which is the husbands denial/misunderstanding.

Merle

I actually got a diagnosis in spite of myself

My 16 year-old was diagnosed, and several comments he made during the diagnosis appt., (ie, "Mom! That sounds just like you!") caused the psychologist to ask me if I wanted to test for it as well, since it is genetic.

It turns out that my kid is higher on the spectrum than I am.

Obviously, I'm supposed to be a social/theological butterfly and flit aimlessly from one place to another as my husband searches for what he needs.

Here's a rundown of my spiritual history: when I converted in 2001, he was thrilled. I stayed at his church three years, even though I didn't believe in the women's garment theology (24/7 dresses, no makeup, never cutting hair), and eventually I headed the nursery services. Then, when hubby was tired of that church, we switched to another one, and I gave up the ministry there to start anew. Stayed at that church two years, and in the meantime I again worked in the nursery and painstakingly learned how to "deal" with being in that church, even though the membership numbered over 5,000 and I couldn't remember a parent's face to save my soul. Then, when he felt THAT church wasn't spiritually nurturing, I left my ministry there and went to this new church. Now here it is, ten months later. I'm finally getting accepted despite my quirks, and again, I've done very well with finding my little niche ministry (again, kids' ministry and also baking the communion bread). And now he feels like he needs a "preaching" church instead of a "teaching" church, which is where we are now.

My whole problem is that it takes so long for me to work through the social aspect, which I absolutely hate with a passion. It seems that right when I get comfortable with negotiating the social labyrinth which is a church, and I feel a level of acceptance, my husband is ready to go somewhere else...And it's like he can't comprehend how much of a struggle it is for me to head into yet another new environment.

Why does he want to go to a new church anyway? The old church sounds nice. Who would want to be on display and appraised at a church?

It is a very personal thing: church preference. It is not fair to just drag someone to a new church.

I saw a church a couple of months ago... at first I thought it was a nightclub. It had big doormen in suits at the door, loud thumping bass music, flashing lights, and there were people inside in this cafe-like thing having breakfast... apparently the pastor runs around the room wearing one of those Anthony Robbins-like head microphones.

It was like the Studio 54 of churches. It looked like the opposite of what an aspie churchgoer would want .

Last edited by zen_mistress on 14 Jun 2009, 4:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Do you need that particular husband?

Do you need any husband?

Zen, that was the second church!

I called it the "entertaining salvation" church. It had a coffee shop and a bookshop, the worship team rocked out, the pastor wore tees and jeans, and the "message" was always something bland and vanilla and softly textured as to not offend any sensibility out of the 5,000+ who attended. It was as intellectually stimulating as a piece of ice in a glass of water.

If you were a parent with kids in the sunday school, then you had to donate at least one Sunday a month to volunteering in the kids' ministries. Instead of once a month, I did it every Sunday. I loved the nursery simply because I didn't have to deal with all the noise and distraction...I could sit down in a comfy rocker, feed or play with a baby and watch everything on the closed-circuit TV. And we had a few women in there whose intelligence and skill at discourse and intellectual intercourse made the whole thing worthwhile. I was sad to leave simply because I lost that comfort of being mentored in a situation which was substantially less intimidating than being in the sanctuary.

Kaleido, companionship isn't all bad. I've lived as both single and married, and I really prefer the companionship. The personality clashes suck, though.

I was in a "ministry" for 20 years and got dragged around a lot by my ex. I got tired of it one day when he kept going on and on about going back into the leadership training program and told him I would not go with him again because he botched it up the first time and I was busy raising kids. we still had a lot of fights, though, because he made it very clear it was much less important to please me than to look good to the elders.

I think if you like where you are, you should keep going there. if he wants to hop from church to church looking for a place that will appreciate him the way he believes they should (that was sarcastic and might have been inappropriate, if so I apologize) then he should stop being so selfish and just do it without disrupting YOUR ministry. if he feels you have to queue up like the good submissive wife and follow him without question to make HIM LOOK GOOD, you will never have peace.

sorry to rant on like this, but I lived through some of the weird religious mentality that requires wives to be just so. I'm not just so, and I'm not going to be just so, and I'm not going to pretend to be just so ever again. so there!

Wow! "Women's garment theology"! !! I've never come across that kind of "theology" before.

I don't see that you should have to go with your husband from church to church. It's very important that you each find a church in which you feel comfortable and accepted, and where you can be nurtured spiritually. Would it not be possible for you each to attend different churches?

I know a few couples who worship in different churches or different denominations.

Some hardcore Pentecostal and Apostolic churches, as well as the Jehovah's Witnesses require the women to dress in that manner. Of course, we're talking about the same people who take Paul's "I do not permit a woman to speak in church" to mean that a woman keeps her lip zipped from the moment they go through the door until the moment they leave

Obviously, I did not assimilate well. I like my jeans, makeup and short hair too much. I also do not keep my mouth shut if I think someone's theology is suspect, and the person spouting it isn't exempt if he has testosterone. Show me the Scripture if you want me to believe it. And don't take it out of context, either.

bhetti, I so know from where you are coming. The Pentecostal church made me question a lot of my spiritual value...For instance, how could the Bible say a woman and a man are "equal heirs in Christ", yet still treat a woman like she's got less worth than a pile of man's excrement? How could a church not permit its women to speak, or teach, yet have no trouble with them teaching children? Why is it that I, as a single woman, should devote my time to chasing God, but after marriage let the man do it for me? It makes no sense, even from a purely analytical point of view. And before you ask...Yes, the pastor had a lot of trouble with me when I questioned such things...After all, it "wasn't my place". And when he'd give me Scripture out of context, I'd question it. I think they were rather relieved when I left LOL

I think my other problem at the moment is that the one person who would speak with me honestly regarding religion and theology, my Daddy, died a few months ago after being diagnosed with stage four lung cancer. It was so fast...He was diagnosed February 22, and he died March 23. So much has already changed. I don't want more to do so anytime soon, and my faith is one of the core stabilities in my life.

I also told him today, "You don't want me to get angry at your for wanting me to go to another church, but at the same time you don't want me to keep my trap shut, either, because you feel that I should be doing this out of "free will" instead of out of duty. So which is it? Do you want a wife who follows blindly, or one who questions in faith?"

I can't figure out why that made him frustrated.

I feel for you being brought there! I think things like this are so personal, and it is good to go to a place where you are comfortable. Perhaps you and your husband could go to different churches- my grandmother and her late husband used to do that because he was Catholic and she was Anglican.

Rose, you sound like a spiritually solid lady.

I'm sorry about your dad. I lost mine to cancer 1.5 years ago and still miss him very much. he was one of the few people who "got" me.

it sounds like a bad time for your husband to try to force you to pull up roots and go church shopping with him, and I'm glad you spoke up for yourself. I think what you said makes perfect sense. the only reason I can think of that it'd frustrate him is that he wants you to want what he does. as spiritual "head", they get that way sometimes and think we should see how sensible their decisions are, even when they aren't.

I lost my faith in the divorce, but I don't feel like I'm missing anything. I wasn't raised with a religion. I'm ok with being a spiritual agnostic, but I respect people who have sensible religion.

I thought you were telling the OP to take the Crutch thing literal, my bad.


It's just that if an aspie takes something literal on purpose and they full well knew what the person meant, it just makes the person think they do use their AS as an excuse because they took something literal on purpose if they think the aspie uses it as an excuse for stuff.

Thorny Rose, if I was in your position I would refuse to go to the new church and stay at my old church. I would tell my partner if he does not like the current church that he should find a new one and you both then attend churches that you both like.