Fighting a loosing battle with myself...

Post Reply New Topic

Great point!

It took me trying 3 different ones before I found the right one. One made me worse, and one had bad sides effects; then I found the right one.

Replying mainly just to bookmark this thread for reference, as well as keep it current.

I'm in your situation right now. Sorry, no answers I've come across.

For 6 years since self-diagnosis, the only thing that made me even bother to get out of bed in the morning was belief in progress. That I could learn the rules of the game that let others get through life so easily. That I could slowly acquire the NT mask to the point I wouldn't be handicapped anymore. I could engage in and observe every social activity that came across my path, practice it, analyze it, make it my own. That I could through force of will strengthen myself to the point where I could choose my lot in life, rather than having it chosen from me far, far in advance.

I don't believe any longer. All I was doing that time was creating composite logarithms of social behavior to use from situation to situation. The end result: I was an actor over-acting across the board, and the mere act of keeping it up fatigued me to the point of exhaustion. I cut myself off from society to try and douse the fatigue, but I can't close this door I opened. Even watching TV is a strenuous experience, unable to suppress the ingrained analysis of each actor's facial tics and verbal inflections.

End of story is not only do I not know what to do, I don't see any point in doing anything at all. It's a sinking boat with 5 holes. I can only plug 3 completely, all 5 partially, or frantically bail water. No matter what I do, keeping this thing afloat requires every bit of concentration I have, and I don't even care if it sinks anymore.

I only have one hope left that I have yet to realize: perhaps all I need is a smaller and simpler boat.

I know this could happen to ppl, that thye think too much into a disorder and end up getting phobias they never even heard of which end up taking their life. Just understand that there is a lot of ppl on this site that can help you, and your not alone! Have you ever tried like herbal stuff to make you feel more positive like st johns wort, that helped me for awhile especially when i was spiralling down into a bad depression, or monavie works good, except tastes wierd. I also take vitamins like bcomplex, multi vitamins, calcium and magnesium alll help too!

Thanks guys, I appreciate all of your replies, and I wish that I had looked at my post sooner so that I could reply to all of your posts as individually as possible because I actually feel guilty if I don't, so I will try to do that as much as possible.

I guess I'll check that out.



I have to agree with this, because from the impression I got from Wrongplanet it seems that many people with aspergers tend to live quite productive lives being able to concentrate on their special interests. I find my own attention being focused on various things which I would like to do, but somehow time just passes by and I never have the initiative to start. It would seem that I am always taking the path of least resistance by either watching tv or playing on the computer. Yes, my depression is overriding my aspergers but it is actually aspergers which indirectly causes it, since it handicap's my social life and that is what I usually worry about even though I have to admit that most of the time I don't even know what I am worrying about.



I know. It is me who will ultimately have to overcome my problem, but I should appreciate any help that I get on the way. Anyways, I used to shun the idea of getting help from anyone before, and kinda feel strange about it even know because I used to have the philosophy that getting help means that one is not fit to live his own life. I am finally realizing this was a wrong way of thinking, because as much as people are different and do things on their own, they are also the same and should learn from each other's experiences. I know I am different and I have felt it all of my life and it's true that I have to stop following other people's footsteps because that contradicts everything that I feel about myself. I am glad I found this place too, thanks for your welcome.

As for my avatar, I think the painting is called "Soft Watch at the Moment of First Explosion". I don't know about how great my taste is but I have been fascinated by Dali's paintings ever since I went to his museum when I was on a field trip to Spain. I like their strangeness and I seem to draw similar things sometimes, although they could never be compared. Anyways thanks for the compliment.



I can totally relate. I mean, even when I should be getting out of bed so that I could get ready to go to class I somehow convince myself that everything is going to be ok, that I will go to my next class and so on. I loose myself in a sort of make belief bliss until I am rudely awaken by reality out of which I cannot escape and that is when all the wrong feelings take me over. I am sorry to hear about your more than bad experience with your ex girlfriend. As you might suspect I have been unable to have any relationship with any girl, and I actually fear that because poor ability to start relationships that I might fall into the hand of such a manipulating person. This is especially worries me because there are examples in my family where one family member who I suspect also has my condition has been manipulated by his wife who was generally a bad person, so that in turn he has a bad image. Anyhow the feeling of not belonging to this world is strong in me and I have quite often felt mad, but I have sort of come to terms with it since I found out that I have Asperger's. It's great to see that you have people to live for, and you should live for them even if you feel that you don't feel like doing anything for yourself. I have been trying to justify getting out of bed for my own family, my mom, dad and sister that is. I hope that you too can summon the strength to get on with your life and find a job. So your an artist, well I have always liked to draw things other than my senseless scribbles which I tend to do very often, I wish you luck with.



Thank you for being to the point. I will try my best, although I'm not sure what my best is since I do not even know what I am actually capable of.




Point taken. I feel that my well is pretty much dry, but I'll have to get every drop of willpower left in order to do this.



Yes, I'm pretty much convinced that I need professional help, but I am afraid of what the psych might recommend concerning treatment. I would most rather not take antidepressant as I have the share the same view that you have. I do not want to become someone else, even though it may seem from my ramblings that I would jump at the chance. Also I think it is known that every drug cures something but causes damage elsewhere, and that's why I generally am against drugs unless there is no alternative. As far as being an intellectual, it's funny, because I have always liked to think of myself as one and actually feel that it might be true, but the fact is that I have never been able to understand many things that I would like. I don't know why that is, maybe because I always take the wrong approach to things and never see them at the angle I'm supposed to. As far as living in ignorance and bliss goes, I have to confess that when such a state of mind overwhelms me I rather stick with it than go through the painful process of thinking about certain things. Perhaps I need too change the way I organize my thoughts.

I've read the other posts (unfolded cranes, Sapphowoman) where antidepressants helped. Well I guess all people are different and I will consider taking them but would rather not.




Well, I've had mixed feelings about discovering AS. Truthfully, me first feelings and reaction was positive. I thought, well, look at that, I guess there's something really wrong with how my brain functions. I guess I'm not just an incompetent fool who can't have a normal relationship with his friends. I finally had an excuse why I always frequently turned out stupid when around others and why I couldn't understand people in conversations sometimes as well as my problem of being face blind most of the time when meeting new people. So that in a way relaxed me and took some of my worries away, not for a long time thou, just momentarily, because I started feeling the same frustrations of life independent to having a cause for them. The times I have doubts in myself as an aspie is when I start doubting that I will ever be able to live on the bright side considering that my condition is permanent. I don't like admitting it either but all of my life I have felt different and special, as if though something great was destined for me. But now, since I have found out that there is a rational explanation for all of this, namely aspergers, I sometimes feel that I am just another mental patient. I am starting to realize that this type of thinking is wrong, and since I have found this forum I realize that people with aspergers are indeed special and I am happy to find that I am not alone with this condition, because as much as I want to be different, if that makes you alone it doesn't seem worth it, unless of course you learn to accept it, which I haven't yet.

I found your post enlightening, especially the last bit. I am looking forward to change.




It's nice that people can relate to me, although I would never wish for anyone to go thorough life like me, well, most people, not to suffer, just so they can see how I actually feel. As for the miracle cure, that would be nice, but I have let things sit all my life hoping that everything will turn out good, but that miracle never comes. I know now that I need to take action but summing up the strenght to do so is difficult. For every action there is a reaction, I guess the same thing applies to life as well.




As much as I would like an easy answer for our problems ExhaustedImpostor (btw, I like your nick especially since I've read your post), I know in the bottom of my heart that there isn't, and that it's going to require a lot of work to get life back on track. I wish you luck as well as I do myself. I have been trying all my life to be like other people just like you have but to no avail. I could never fit in the way I would like to. Although at times I am able to find my place in a crowd or conversation, the overall picture is not good, and I usually end up not being myself and not expressing my true thoughts and emotions. I had enough of playing along, I need to find my own path. Socializing takes a lot of energy out of me. Even though occasionally I do end up going out and do end up having fun, in the end I am always regretting something I did that I think could have caused others to think bad about me. I am always worrying about how will my interaction with those people be next time, if next time ever comes. The problem is multiplied because I usually force myself to socialize with people, it's as though I am setting a trap for myself. I manage to get peoples attention and at times actually fit in with them, but, that is usually as far as it gets, never past the first step. After that I start becoming alienated, first of all because of my inability to further this process. I basically become confused and don't know what to say anymore. I just don't feel any connection with people at all. Then thoughts such as "what if they don't like you", "what if you made a bad impression last time", "how do I know they want to be my friends", "do we have anything in common" pass through my mind. The worst thing is that I feel the same about people who I have been in contact with for a few years, and who are supposed to be my friends. I feel alienated from them to and tend to shut myself off from them so that in fact I turn out like the bad person. Not to mention all the bad experiences I've had with people who are supposed to be my friends, that just adds even more weight to my shutting off from people. What makes me so anxious is that I have started so many interactions with people but I do not know how to face them a second time. It makes me turn out really weird because at first I talk to these people but then start feeling so uncomfortable around them that I avoid them in hallways and sometimes don't even say hi to them when I see them face to face.

Anyways, I could go on for days about my experiences with people, but I think I have written too much as it is. By the way, you say you need a smaller boat, well, I think I need a spaceship because I am obviously not form this earth. But as long as we are all stuck here I hope that we can find ourselves a comfortable spot.



I don't think that I am thinking too much into this disorder because I have been like this before, and knowing that there is an explanation sometimes makes me feel better. I'd like to think that I am not alone even though I sometimes associate it as having a broken leg and finding it makes me feel better that I am not the only one. I've heard that autistics should stick to some kind of diet but am not sure what it is exactly. I'll research into that. I'm not sure but I think something called glutein should not be taken. Is that found in oats, because a few days ago I ate a whole bag because I didn't feel like going out to get some food. Man, I'm crazy, makes me laugh when I think about it.

Anyways, thank you all for your replies, and btw I would feel really selfish if this topic didn't help others because I can't help feeling that I am being self centered especially considering how long this post is, so if you've read it I thank you very much!! !

PS I am sorry if I quoted anybody wrong or if I misinterpreted something but I just don't have the patience to check, so please excuse me.

Ok, I guess I'll go outside now, need some fresh air...

Just to show that I am not a completely miserable lost cause.

Ha... I looked that up and found it (the avatar). I love Dali... and if you love Dali you shound check out Magritte if you have'nt already. I am a surrealist artist myself.

Anyway I was just thinking on something (forgive the grammer)

Sometimes instead of trying to strip down your own natural behaviors, and learn more, it is good to strip down the layers society, parents, peers etc. have caked on us.

To un-learn... the BS expectations, who we "should" be, what we "should" be doing, what "success' is etc.

I had to set myself on a journey of unlearning illogical expectations that were based on a f-ed up society's ideas of success. Anyway, just a thought.

And you don't have to respond, just wanted to put the thought out there that sometimes we are not wrong, but what we have been taught to expect of ourselves is wrong.

ifsomeone just had aspergers im shure life wouldnt be that terrible. but most of us have comorbids

Are you talking to me? Because I also have co-morbid conditions. OCD being the worst and most difficult and depressing.

I am just trying to throw out idea's on how to makybe makes things a little better, not solve everything.

If you are not talking to me... eh oh well.

Hey Nomad,

Glad you managed to write back to us. Here's a few more thoughts for you to consider:

In addition to an antidepressant, my psychiatrist prescribed 30 minutes of exercise a day. It doesn't even have to be "real" exercise -- brisk walking is apparently sufficient, as long as you keep up the pace for the entire 30 minutes. This is supposed to be very helpful for depression, although it takes a while (I think up to a month) for the results to kick in.

I have to admit I've never done it consistently enough to know if it would make a difference for me, but I'm giving it another try. (Although the antidepressants normalized my emotional state, I still don't have nearly as much energy and willpower as I'd like.) I've recently realized that walking up and down the stairs in my house is about the same level of exertion, and less mentally tiring, because I can just sort of zone out, rather than having to pay attention to my surroundings. If you're up to doing something like this every day, it's certainly a risk-free "treatment" to try. All of the "side effects" of exercise are good ones.

Another thing... instead of a psychiatrist (who will almost certainly prescribe you medication), you might consider looking for a psychologist who specializes in cognitive-behavioral therapy (Wikipedia article) While I haven't done it myself, I get the impression that it's all about changing the thoughts that lead to negative feelings, and that sounds like it might be a good fit for you.

Oh, about gluten... some autistic/aspie people find that they do better on a gluten/casein free diet. Gluten is found in wheat and some other grains... I'm not sure about oats. Casein is in milk products. Between the two, I think it's nearly everything an average person eats. However, there's an enzyme product called Peptizyde that apparently breaks down gluten and casein and makes them "safe." I've ordered some to try, and I'll certainly report back if it helps me. You can get some here if you're interested.

Hang in there. You're not a lost cause -- you haven't given up.

hey, it's not as bad as it could be. If you're still in school, you have your whole life ahead of you, but knowing what the situation is, and being able to find others who are like-minded enough. I know I sound like an old git (wait, I am an old git.. but imagine being an old git who only found out what was 'wrong' with him after more than 4 decades..

I remember at the time of being in college, I was morbid (thinking, but not acting), depressed as all get-out (I'd probably have been a Goth, but they hadn't been invented yet.. I could get out of bed ok, but I didn't have a lot of people who wanted to be around me. I used to write music, and looking back on it, I was pretty down at that.

Just remember, if you think no one cares whether you live or die, try missing a bill payment or two..

Curious...but I just noticed...what's the name under our names? Blue Jay?

That is exactly what I need to do. There are just so many people that expect so much from me. I think that I need to speak out to some of these people and tell them how I really feel and that they cannot expect me to have the same values and ideals as they do. This has to start with my parents, and I will do that asap. I need to be my own person.

I think I also have OCD and I have to invest vast amounts of energy to suppress it. I get a feeling of uneasiness every time I encounter something that bothers me. I either have to fix the problem or convince myself that it is futile trying and therefore worrying about it. I wish my OCD was directed to things that were more meaningful in life, but I guess then it wouldn't be a disorder.

Btw, i checked out Magritte and found his works really fascinating; I probably find surrealism fascinating because I am so dettached from the real world, you too, right? And your english seems pretty good



I think I have the whole package, I'm scared to think about everything I may have. Maybe I'm overwhelming myself with this. I just need to slow down and take things step by step. First step is seeing a psychologist.



I have never motivated myself to do exercise but I know that I felt better when I used to do some sports, so I'll try to organize myself. Anyway first thing on my mind right now is to find a psychologist/psychiatrist. I'll ask if there are any who specialize in cognitive-behavioral therapy but anybody I get will be a good start because I'll just seek anybody who is available at my college.



Well, better late than never, I guess I can always keep that in mind, although even now when I look back at my life in which I have accomplished nothing it does nothing good to me. I can't imagine what I will be thinking about myself in another 20 years if I continue at this pace.

I could never be a goth I think, even though it seems like a subculture that might appeal to someone with aspergers because of it's deviation from what is considered the true norm in society I don't think that I could conform to the goth style just as I can't conform to the norm style without being stressed. So unless all goths are actually aspies it seems like just another standard to which I couldn't accustom myself too. It would not make me be able to connect to them as people more. Maybe I'm wrong, I actually never tried being a goth.

Good luck with your bills


I hope this topic has helped me as well as any other people who are going through the same problems as me, but I guess I should start browsing around other topics on this forum which focus on problems more specifically and eventually partake in some not so depressing ones, I guess I might start a few topics myself if people haven't found this one too burdening. Anyways, thanks for your posts, they have helped me out but I know that the most of the work is up to me.