My aspie relationship problem.

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I am not sure if I was to put this is relationship section, sorry suck at posting in the right places of forums.
I am very very upset at this moment in time...and I feel like bursting into tears as I am typeing this, now that iv'e got deep into the world of relationships it's beginning to be really difficult for me with my aspergers.
It all started last night when I was traveling with my boyfriends mum my boyfriend and his brother and his brothers girlfriend!
I was in the service station and didn't like the sound the lights the music even though it WAS empty, so I asked my b/f if we could stand outside sowe did. But then his mum came out and said "can you please come in and have some food, you have to come in it's dangerous out here...if you don't come in I will cancel lizzie (me) staying here!" at that point I had been pushed by his mum and his brother to get inside and I was ready to blow! I complained about it to my boyfriend as his mum went back inside...I just blew and ran away but my b/f tried to pull me back and he grabbed me I pushed him away and yelled "GET AWAY FROM ME LEAVE ME ALONE!!" and I had behind the phone box and burst into tears. His mum heard all the noise and came out and started blameing me and said it had been a hard trip because of me, and that he shouldnt date me because it's like looking after a baby and that he should get on with his band and forget me. I couldn't cope with her ripping me apart mentally so I walked off, I knew they might try and grab me so I said to them "By law I have to have 5 minutes on my own, it is the law and I have a card for it just let me go or i'll have to call the police!" luckly they let me go and I burst into tears in a empty corner behind a fence. a few minutes later my b/f came and asked if I was ok! my b/f's brother let us sit in the car alone so I could ring my mum, while his family were in the service station I told her everything. Everyone got in the car and we set off back to my b/f's. I am at his house now and will be going home on thursday! I feel so broken and misunderstood I don't know if I really want to forgive his mum after all the horrible things she said and how she made me feel. But i'm just going to wait and see how things go... my mum told me that she was the one who was wrong, not me! It's so hard because my b/f listens and tries to do his best and understands but his mother and his brother don't at all.

I need a hug, is there any help anyone can provide for me?

I think a lot of us had episodes like that, often when you manage to find a relationship the friends or family of the person you're with don't understand and make your life very hard. I had a meltdown and ended up sitting in a shop doorway in Glasgow for two hours - in December! - when i followed my boyfriend's band on tour.

There is so much pressure to get on with a boyfriends family and friends and I always worry they will dislike me. I don't really know what advice to give because it's something I would still struggle with if I was cool enough to be in a relationship but it sounds like at least your boyfriend is supportive. Spend time with him but not his horrible mother! She sounds psychotic!

I can't even listen well to someone with a lot of distraction to my eyes and I hate being thrust into a situation like you describe -- especially without much power on my own or understanding from those around. I have similar responses to sounds and visual cacophony, hate going to parties, barbeques, or largely socializing situations, and pretty much only expose myself to the world when it is necessary and focused on a specific project. I don't dislike others for their apparent attractions to get together and chat, shop, crowd around each other and I sometimes wish I could navigate that without having every shred of energy sucked out of me and becoming a mess needing a lot of recovery time alone. But that's the way I am.

Sometimes, one way I can handle situations where I'm stuck with jangling noise and visual distractions is to close my eyes completely and at least shut that part out. I've been known to carry earplugs and use them, too, and just let folks know to bump me if they need to talk or something. I usually gravitate to a place where I can direct my eyes away from the mess, too, where I may need to see for a bit just to help remove the mental distractions.

It turns out that noise I make and control doesn't bother me so much. It's more the kind where I cannot anticipate them and steel myself well. This includes speech and laughter and other human sounds in conversations I'm not part of, because I cannot anticipate that background. The way I explain this to more normal folks who aren't quite getting it is this: imagine you see someone lighting a firecracker in front of you; you can steel yourself for it and that diminishes the impact on you; but now imagine someone lighting a firecracker behind your back and you will get very suddenly angry and respond almost cruelly. It's an important difference and with that scenario, most folks can get a glimmer about it.

My autistic daughter is so very brave, this way. She has little control over things in her life and she has to cope with far greater difficulties from noise out of her control. And sometimes she just goes berzerk for a time. Often, she's in no mood for a hug and just curls up and resists my attempts to comfort her. But I always offer and let her let me know when it is okay and when it isn't. Sometimes, she's able to accept a modest hug and it actually helps her calm down and feel better.

If it feels okay to you, you have my hug.

Just to let you know, though. My external relationships are, almost to a person, other people on the spectrum who do understand and I don't need to explain things that much. One more thing, I live in Oregon on 3 hectares of land in what is essentially forest lands with some farming. So I have some separation from people generally and I can just walk alone in my woods on the paths, listen to and watch the woodpeckers and squirrels, or just the wind blowing. My favorite time is at 2AM in a winter morning, walking in a deep snow pack here, moonlit or only starlit, hardly any sounds except maybe some snow falling from a tree. I'd offer a piece of that if I could. If you ever do go halfway across the world someday, feel free to say so and perhaps you could stay a day or two.

Jon

Lizzie, I dont want to sound judgemental toward the people you choose to be around,but, not all of them appear to be sensitive or considerate toward others around them. You will have to decide, for your self, wether or not to tell them how their actions/reactions make you feel. Oh ,,,one more thing,,,,,I will give you a hug any time you want. thank you for allowing me to express my self Dean

Wow, thats horrible, sorry you had to go through that. Let me just say i've been there with it all, everybody told my nt bf to stop dating me, its like looking after a baby, nobody understood. My bf didn't care, he believed in me. I've been through soooooo many harsh times my bf, i've even freaked out one time and ran off into oncoming traffic, he literally ran after me, it was crazy, he grabbed me, i screamed let me go, then he couldnt hold on top me, because i was freaking out, and he had to squat down next to me calmly trying to understand me. What i told my bf to do, was to explain to his family that i'm not a baby, and that the little things that ppl dont notice, bother me, or the little things that dont upset anybody else, upset me. I told him to explain to his family that I do see things differently, and think differently, but i'm not ret*d, and to understand that I may seem like a bunch of work, but if you take time to understand me, you will know that i'm more then what you see.

It always goes back to the saying "don't judge a book by its cover." A lot of ppl judge somebody by the way there acting, but just because at that particular moment, something upsets you the most, doesnt mean thats who you are! Just try to hang in there, and know there are many ppl here to help you! I know i have tons of stories, that will make you say wtf is your bf still doing there haha, but somehow hes still hanging strong!

_________________
Being Normal Is Vastly Overrated

There is a really nice book called The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat, by Oliver Sachs. What that book helped me realize is how ordinary it is, very different responses to the world, just because of some certain, rather small difference in processing inputs.

The book is a collection of short stories about real people. There is a sweet story in it about a young woman who's proprioception was demolished by a course of antibiotics given to her prior to a minor operation. Proprioception is a sense of the relative position of neighbouring parts of your body and lets you know if your body is moving with required effort, as well as where the various parts of the body are located in relation to each other. She lost it so badly, she had to look down to watch her legs in order to walk without falling over. The end of the short story has her riding upright in a convertible car, the top down, and the wind rushing across her body. She said that doing that was the one way she could "feel" her body and where it was and she loved doing that kind of thing when she could.

Most people don't realize the thin lines that separate what they imagine as "odd behavior" from what they consider to be normal, regarding input processing. Normal rational and logical processing can sometimes yield odd responses when the input is somewhat different.

And as you say, isolated events shouldn't define the rest of you.

Jon

Hey Lizzie, your not the only person out there that tends to act in what I call,unorthodox" as, there are times when I've been to shopping areas and I tend to become absent-minded about where I'm going and tend to bump into people due in part to being too focuses on all that is going on..

I wished I could be more helpful but, I'm afraid I'm not able to.Anyways, just letting you know that being autistic is not easy..