One thing NTs sometimes do that I find mysterious

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I agree with what you said, "We are the ones with the social issues, but they think it's perfectly okay to point out every little imperfection that we have. I don't think that I will ever understand it." It makes no sense that people without AS would point out what we look like to them, since if we did the same, it would make them angry or upset in some way.

Would this body language please shut up! topic

Sometimes I feel like wearing a sign around my neck informing people I have no hidden agenda. Take my words as they are. I do not read your face and tone of voice, therefore please do not read mine! NTs tend to look in the strangest places for the weirdest things. What planet are they from, and what planet are they on?

My parents are constantly trying to cheer me up when i am perfectly fine, in fact they have a habit of doing it when i am in a particularly good mood. For some reason i am quiet when I'm happy and social when I'm depressed! I also seem more depressed when i smile so that doesn't convince anyone. It sucks when you are perfectly fine and then someone tries to cheer you up for an hour so you end up in a bad mood.

Hmm. This is interesting. I'm NT, and I think I'm guilty of doing this very thing. Oh no!! So advise me, if you can. Or if not, it's okay. But, in your opinion, what would it mean if you were talking with someone with AS, then turned to look at them, and they had this dreamy, perhaps groggy sort of expression, not smiling or looking incredibly alert, but looking right at you, yet with a rather... passive expression? I have interpreted this as depression or sadness many times and have asked "are you sad?" or "what's wrong?" to receive a confused "umm, nothing, why?" I hate having to say, "well, you looked a little down" when perhaps that's not what was intended. Have any of you been asked about making this particular expression (kind of tired- looking, non smiling, with sleepy looking direct eye contact)?

Sometimes with this expression, the person described will not seem to be listening to what I'm saying though he is looking right at me. It may seem like I should just ask him, right, except that I have, and he doesn't know what I'm talking about. I wouldn't mind about it at all except that I don't want to have a depressing effect on him. This happens a lot. Advise me if you can.

I am a little embarrassed to be asking about this, but why not, if it will help.

Krista,

The fact that you are here as an NT and asking questions to find out how to relate to your friend with AS and just for your own information is pretty awesome in my book. Thanks!

Maybe he is just daydreaming. Sometimes i will notice that it seems like I'm staring at someone when in fact i just happened to zone out looking in their direction. Once i actually was staring at someone because they had pretty eyes and i just forgot that they might be creeped out or anything,lol.

Generally if an AS person is looking through you it could mean that they are thinking, possibly of what they are going to say next. Or maybe they are thinking of their own stuff.

Also, if an AS person is not looking at you, it doesnt mean they are not listening. An AS person usually doesnt have to look at a person to listen to them because often they listen to the words only.

I have an AS friend who often looks upset or angry. Sometimes I ask him if he is, and if he says he isn't, I realise it was just his facial expression again, lol. I dont pursue the matter.

i'm an NT (my heads up) .. great discussion.

i took a training course at work to better my management skills and one of the topics we discussed was facial expressions. in a study done by a college (i can't remember off hand which college) researchers discovered that a blank facial expression was almost always interpreted as sad, angry, indifferent or upset, no matter how the person was actually feeling (and i'm guessing this was done mostly on NTs) or what they were doing, when in fact most folks with blank facial expressions said they were simply shy or deep in thought.

the differences in communication skills between NT and AS really need to be researched a little better. It's unfortunate that so many of you are forced to educate all those around you to be less insulting to you.

you are often the folks that everyone else is trying 'fix', instead of trying to learn to communicate more effectively with YOU. it must be a frustrating place to linger.

it's like forcing everyone in the world to speak english because it's the 'proper' language with the 'proper' expressions. sort of a narrow-minded view, no? i'd be super annoyed if people were always asking me what's wrong when in fact there was nothing wrong at all. (then i'd look annoyed)

also, keep in mind that most humans are completely egocentric (even though they hate to admit it) and they are interpreting your expressions in direct connection to their own sense of self worth. if you seem miserable and you're around them they must have done something to displease you and this will cause them a measure of anxiety that they will then try to dispel by changing you, instead of changing their own thought pattern (does that make any sense at all?)

i'd say, you can't own everyone else's issues, you have to be you and those close to you need to learn your language as well as you learning theirs. give and take? just some thoughts.

I've just given up and refuse to acknowledge those statements. If I was upset/panicing/angry/sad/whatever I would come out say it. If I dont' say it... it's not there.

We've advanced beyond the grunt me tarzan grunt you jane spoken langauge and now have written langauge. Ooooo... I think this comes as a huge surprise to most NTs. I speak as I write. Or write as I speak... take your pick. I learned to speak from reading.

When I speak I imagine it as a book, not a particularly good book mind you, and that if I want to communicate with my audience, I say exactly what I want them to know. This isn't a hard concept but it seems impossible for people(NTs) to understand this. They always want to add more onto what I say or ignore parts of it.

The issue is that human emotions are difficult to read, and attempting to do so is a very fuzzy procedure for even neurotypicals, who are generally more adept at that sort of thing.

It's not an AS-only issue, for example often times my eagerness comes across as argumentative, or apathy for passive-aggression.

I often get told I must be very happy or something, either that or very serious. I tend to grin/smile, laugh with just about any feeling (except for extreme stress) unless I'm engaged in thought or in observation mode.

Extreme stress often is expressed as anger or a crying spasm. People may think I’m very sad when I may be very angry.


When I am in observation mode people can't seem to figure out what is wrong. They think I am sad or something... I probably just have a blank look on my face and blank looks seem to cause distress in NT’s. If they can’t read or recognize an emotion it causes them much anxiety, I think.

I don't know what tone of voice I convey when I talk or what expression. I probably confuse people. Once again NT's get stressed if they can't pinpoint an emotional state. Perhaps it is an uncomfortable feeling to them like eye contact is to us?? That's something I wish an NT could explain.

PS thanls Krista_The_Pixie, littlefrog for sharing your point of view. I would like to see more NT's share their viewpoints as well. I think if we can share our perspectives, it helps us understand each other better.

It is not easy for me to constantly interpret body language and gestures of speaker, so I tend to use words, context and of course voice tone (it is often more clear than facial expression). Several years ago I had a problem with "neutral" voice tone: initially it was "metallic", anxious, not expressive; now it is more "floating" and peaceful. Interpreting voices and faces of other people is just practice, bad natural skills can be improved. My personality strongly resembling AS, but I have some NT traits too.

May be it is just cultural features, in Russia a lot of NT people tend to have serious/indifferent/sad facial expressions.


NT cannot stop reading voice tone/facial expression (it is instinctive), so the good solution is to have peaceful/calm "neutral" face expression and voice tone.

My sister asks me that question all the time. She asks me what's wrong, and she says that I seem angry. I tell her that there's nothing wrong with me, and that I'm in a good mood. After I tell her the truth, she tries to argue with me, about how I'm feeling. It can get to be annoying, after a while.

This is some great dialogue here. I'm glad I mentioned my experiences because I've been perplexed about these things for a little while now. I'm trying to understand all I can about AS so that I don't make these blunders as an NT. The community here is great, and the feedback is awesome. I'm always glad after I post something.

Oh and I'm not specifically here just because I'm a nice person, I'm here because my friend with Asperger's has literally saved me from a depressing state I refer to as soul- death, and it's the least I could do. I'm really glad I joined this site.

If I am having a bad day I usually state in capital letters "STAY AWAY I AM HAVING A BAD DAY". The problem I have is that NT's use this statement as a calling card to lavish copious amounts of affection my way. I know they mean well and want me to feel better. However, for me to recover I need space. It is sort of a paradox in that I usuallly have to get snarky with them to create the space, a situation I was trying to avoid in the first place!

I also am sometimes told that I'm being argumentative when really I'm just trying to get my point across. I always seem to be misinterpreted by people. Like when I'm not looking at someone they accuse me of daydreaming (though sometimes I am) or being dishonest.