HELP! New to Asperger's and marriage is failing
Hey guys and gals
I'm in quite a spot of bother...to say the least.
I'm an Aussie, and I only just discovered Asperger's syndrom through someone suggesting I may have it.
For almost all of my life i've felt different, and since I was 15 or so (i'm 25) i made a conscious effort to try and be more like everyone else or "cool", because i was tired of girl's not liking me, or me going overboard when girls did like me, or me not picking up that they liked me. So over the 10 year period, i've changed consciously and moved away from my parents. I developed friends and started seeing girls and life was great, but there was always something wrong. Especially when things went badly, I wouldn't be able to describe, even to myself, how i was feeling.
I could go on, into more details that I don't think you'd care to read but i'll fast forward to now.
Before my marriage, i had sometimes thought that i may have had ADHD, as i was easily distracted, was quite quirky with my mannerisms, had a selective but bad memory etc etc. During our marriage, i told my wife i had thought this at times, and to her this seemed absolutely absurd. I then let it go for a while, but the feelings or thoughts behind everything still permeated my life.
Around 5 months ago, me and my wife had a massive argument which left me in the middle of a football oval at night crying and feeling like my brain had split in two. I couldn't will myself to get up, my brain had so many things swimming in it I couldn't focus on anything. I just lay there crying, my eyes locked on the clouds in the sky. When my wife called to see where I was, all i could get out was garbled crying with mixtures of words. She wasn't sympathetic and told me to come home if i wanted to.
After this, I decided that something wasn't right with the way i was thinking. It had been going on all my life, to a pinnacle at that point where i just shut down completely. I went to my local GP, who without tests instantly prescribed me with Zoloft (for low serotonin levels), thought i was depressed and the meds would help me focus my thoughts. I did this without telling my wife, because i knew she would say that i was being silly, i'm normal, and i'm being a hypocondriac. So i went there by myself, in some ways to avoid her criticism and in some ways to prove to myself it was about getting answers for me, not for her or about anyone else.
After the doctor told me this, and i purchased the medication, it hit me that she was my wife, and i should be honest with her, so i told her and she got quite upset. One, because i went behind her back and two, because "i'm normal" there's "nothing wrong" and she very weakly supported me taking the Zoloft in a sarcastic way, anyways, the Zoloft made me even more nervous, so I stopped taking it and the issue was dropped, though every now and then, we would "joke" about me being crazy or depressed.
About 2 weeks ago, someone in an online forum suggested I sounded like i may have asperger syndrome (the post was about someone else thinking they had depression and no doctors giving them medication for it). I looked it up, and it was like an awakening in me. Everything that I had experienced my whole life was now being explained in a way that made sense to me. It also explained why my wife was the way she was towards me when we argued, so it was amazing to find an explanation for me, as well as an explanation for me for my wife.
As i am skeptical about online diagnosis, not just from my wife suggesting i'm a hypocondriac, i researched Asperger syndrome quite obsessively (As I have found Aspie's do, hehe) and took the official quiz, aspie quiz and another quiz, all of the results reading quite high (i got 40 on the official quiz). I found this website and reading everyone's post made me feel evemn better, because it seemed like all of you here, knew what i was feeling and thought the same way. I looked up stimming and found a lot of things i love to do when i'm by myself, or even when i'm in groups and not engaged in the conversation. I realised that i sometimes meltdown when i get upset and can't find away to communicate (one time i popped all of the blood vessells in my head, making it look like i had a huge rash). Everything matched me to an exact T. Even despite 25 years of coping and 10 years of specifically trying to be not like myself, everything was just so me. I felt good, finally.
I was nervous about telling my wife, but I knew i had to. I told her, and she flew the coop so to speak. She looked at everything i had printed out and said, you're not this, not this, this is bullsh*t etc etc. She called all of it (the quiz', posts from here, various suppert pamphlets) a crock of sh*t. Then she said that I was looking for something wrong with me, to make an excuse for being a jerk, a selfish a***hole etc etc. She said this was the most selfish thing I could have ever done. Naturally, my efforts to try and explain everything or show her my love and how i felt, just made things worse. We left it for the night, and the next day it was on again. I tried in a more subdued way, which didn't work either. However we argued so much and my attempts at describing my feelings and such wer so long winded, over-analytical that she just goes " this is insane", and after a bit more, she then says that i'm insane and i need to get help.
She wants to go on a break now for me to "find myself" but she is also expecting me to "wake up to myself" and realise i'm as jerk and apologise. I can do that, because i'll do anything for her, but i can't just ignore the feelings in my heart that tell me that this is what i have, and i want to pursue it, so atleast i can have a basis to build the true me or discover the true me, because he's been hiding for 10 years.
I don't know what to do, and part of me (due to my wife) can't help but think maybe i am a hypocondriac, but then i start realising everything i have been my life, and after talking to my parents even feel stronger about it than before.
I really need some help in trying to show my wife that i'm not a selfish guy, self centred or ignorant and abusive, i love her more than myself, its just i can't help the way i am sometimes.
I've just started (today) keeping a diary to note what i need to do throughout the week, because until now i have just been living life as it comes, which isn't easy, but i tend to live through ignorance and forgetting things. For example, i might think of taking my wife out to dinner, but then i might get distracted by something at work, or a sign when i'm walking down the road and the thought alludes me, and so I won't taker her out to dinner. This is a very repetitive process for me. I do love routines and such, but the lifestyle we have at home, is very much my wife controls when things happen or what we do, so i just go with the flow. when out of the blue things happen, i do get frustrated, but just as soon as i get frustrated, i get distracted and forget about being frustrated.
Anyways, i've blabbered on for long enough, but please help me, or give your constructive opinions, because i don't really know where to start. I can't just turn my back on the realisation and keep trying to live life as though i'm like everyone else, yet still scramble to remember things and have people laugh at me when they are talking directly to me, but i might be looking at a leaf blowing in the wind.
Thanks in advance, so much.
The school planner is the big thing that helps me organise myself and remember things, but then I guess you can't always be writing things down.
I'm not sure, but her reaction may just be in self-defense. I can't be sure, but it may be a way not to get caught up in it or anything. Either that or it's the social stigma attached to any form of disorder that requires psychiactric help. She may also deny it because she's scared for you, and doesn't want something like that for you, in spite the fact that could be subconcious.
I would assure her that she doesn't need to get involved. That you will sort things out, and that you just need time. Explain that if it really is nothing then it's not something that's going to last, but that if it is something you want to know. Be very open to her oppinion, but at the same time express that you need her to let you sort it out. If it scares her, it's best not to force it on her, but instead to work through it once there's undeniable proof that AS is part of who you are. (i.e. with a DX)
Beyond that, I can't think of anything else you could do.
Well you're putting the pieces of the puzzle together and that's important.
I'm afraid I don't have much advice concerning you and your wife though...my husband never did accept that their was a reason I am the way that I am...he did, (and still does) believe that I did things on purpose just to irritate and anger him. We are divorced.
It can work...but it takes work on both sides.. Just a thought, maybe what you can't articulate verbally...you can express in writing.
You didn't say what your parents thoughts were on this, but I'm guessing they think you're on the right track also.
Good luck and welcome to the forum.
_________________
*Normal* is just a setting on the dryer.
AS or not, your wife doesn't sound very supportive or loving. You sound like you need to go to counseling either alone or with her. Alone would be a start and try to hash through this stuff. You sound like you're in a lot of pain and you need support and acceptance!
My husband and I will be married 11 years this April. I'm Aspie, he's probably Aspie and our son is autistic. You have to be on each other's side, a team.
That sad that she doesnt believe you, i use to get the "your a hypercondriac" as well, because i have more problems then anything and growing up i found more and more things wrong with me, that i already knew, when i brought them up i was being over dramatic, just want to have something wrong with me, trying to diagnose myself, my own walking psychologist haha, everything u can think of. I didnt give up though, i knew something wasn't right. I researched it beyond belief, I took matters into my own hands.
Did you ever go to the libary and take out books about aspergers? See with me it wasnt autism, it was other disorders, but I still got books at the libary, went online printed everything out. See what you could do is, after you get some books, as much online stuff as you can, take a look at your family history as well, see if any of these traits may pass down at all, then if all possible talk to family friends, other family members, see what they think, then if you still think its true, go consult a doctor specialized in autism, see what they think. Also go find old videos of when you were a child, see if see aspergers in those videos, and check out the videos on utube of autistic kids, line all the videos up, check to see if you fit the profile. If so, log it all down, save all the data.
After you do all of this and even that one doctor confirms it, go back to your wife, gently sit her down and explain to her, that you have been alittle off the wall lately doing all this research, but explain that you were just worried about your marriage, and wanted to find a way to maybe make things better, explain that you weren't doing any of this to hurt her, or doing any of this because you wanted to make a point, instead that you wanted to make things right! After you do that, gently say, that you saw a doctor, you've talked to family friends, and family, youve checked it out fully, show her the videos of yourself and todays autistic children, give her the books you read, and say in a gentle voice "this doesnt change who i am in any way, it just helps me understand myself alittle better, so i can help fix this relationship, please understand that, and please say your stand by me!"
I hope my advice helps alittle, good luck, im sure other ppl will have better advice, but oh well haha.
_________________
Being Normal Is Vastly Overrated
Hi Tham!
If you live near Brisbane you are very, very lucky. Tony Attwood is the world guru on Aspergers and he has a clinic there: Hearts and Minds.
My daughter is married to an aspie. He does not acknowledge this, but has 2, perhaps 3 sons on the spectrum. Her marriage has been tough for many years but now they are very happy. They have worked through many issues together based on her understanding of aspergers.
You are confused now, I would suspect. You need to get a diagnosis and learn as much as you can.
I have seen a marriage work between an aspie and an NT.
Perhaps your wife could join WP too.
_________________
NEVER EVER GIVE UP
I think there must be some chronic learning disability that is so prevalent among NT's that it goes unnoticed by the "experts". Krex
CockneyRebel
Veteran
Joined: 17 Jul 2004
Age: 50
Gender: Male
Posts: 117,079
Location: In my little Olympic World of peace and love
Thanks for the advice so far!
I only told my parents yesterday about the Asperger's (and i only told my wife the day before that), so its early days at the moment.
I just don't want to get off on the wrong foot so to speak.
My wife isn't a loser, she's just very "firey" and passionate, as well as she can sometimes be narrow minded about topics. She's Croatian and Scorpio, so i definately have a lot on my plate, hehe. But i'm Irish/Caucasian and a cancer, so i'm as placcid as un-fried chips.
I can understand her perspective at the moment, because it is still an online self-diagnosis, though to me I just don't understand what there is to be angry at me for. I've told her i think i have a problem, and somehow that equates to me being an a***hole. She says that i'm choosing a condition that i don't know if i have, over my marriage. That doesn't make sense to me, cause for me, i've always been me, always been this way. The condition more of a conclusion to make sense of the way i am, because before this, i didn't make sense and i would often go off on philosophical rants about myself, i would contradict myself, be happy, then sad, self-loathing then proud all in the one rant and i would never reach the point i intended, because i had forgotten it by the end. Then I expect people to understand what i'm saying because i'm encompassing the entire human spectrum, good bad, perfect and flawed. She just thinks i'm being insane and making things up as i go. Which I can't really defend, because i have forgotten my point, so in some ways i am making things up.
I would like to get her to join this, but i know that she probably won't agree for starters, and if i convinced her, she would look at it with closed eyes and see what she wants to see. Just like she saw what she wanted to see when i showed her the stuff i printed out. She didn't exactly see things i wasn't, but thought that the symptoms as described on the summaries i selected were common in all people, which is understandable too.
Part of my problem with our arguments is that whilst i think about my perspective on an argument, i also think of her perspective (or rather, what i would do, or how i would feel if it was me on the other end, and not exactly, me trying to think how she feels or thinks, almost like determining both sides of the conversation before the conversation has started) and then think of how i would word it to make her understand (when i'm really thinking of a way i would explain it to myself, not someone else, hehe), and i get rid of all the things i really want to say, and only say the things that will achieve the desired end result. However that usually blows up in my face, and because its a subconscious thing, i just make things worse whenever i try to talk about my feelings, her feelings or anything.
The main solution, i can see at the moment, is going to a GP, getting a referral and see a psychologist. But a lot of the doctors in my area are quite incompetant when it comes to issues a bit more complex than the common flu. For example, the doctor telling me i was depressed and instantly prescribing me anti-depressants based just on me telling him how i think, not so much how i feel. I definately know i'm not depressed as I can find happiness easily, all it takes is a distraction or some time to myself and all else fades away. So i want to see a GP to get referred to a psychologist, but when i see the psychologist, i don't really want to go in there all gung ho saying, diagnose me this. I want to be able to really talk to them about myself, then again with my parents present. I don't know if my wife will be present or not, thats up to her. But thats my initial solution, to try and get help, which is why we are on a temporary break at the moment. (I'm at my parents place, she is at our home...i think).
What i'm worried about, are these first steps. I'm at my parents place, she's somewhere else. Last night i got a message along the lines of, how much she hates me, and that she doesn't want me to contact her. Then later in the night she messaged me saying thankyou for the cigarettes (because i purchased a packet for her without her knowing and left it at home for her). Today i haven't heard anything. I went around to our home to surprise her and ask if she wanted to go to breakfast (i had no idea what i was going to say, or talk about), but she wasn't home. I left some flowers i picked, with a note just saying "I love you, I miss you, i'm sorry". I haven't heard anything all day. My parents tell me to give her space. But me being me, my instictual reaction is to call her, sms her, go and see her, talk to her, even though i don't know what to talk about, but i also know this will probably make things worse.
Part of me hopes she doesn't call me back or sms so i can have a peaceful night, but then i also don't know whether i should send her anything to comfort her, or to say anything to her. I know that my self-defence mechanism is distraction, to forget the problem and her, and hope everything works out, and i have today easily forgotten her at moments. But that doesn't mean i don't love her, its just i forget a lot of things.
I just don't know what to do in the short-term, because i don't want to ruin any chance of things working out amicably and working towards a better marriage.
I don't want it to go down the drian, because of what is essentially a misunderstanding of each other.
I'm sorry your wife isn't very supportive. I'd recommend that she go to counselling to since being at "odds" with you isn't really going to help much with your diagnosis or future attempts at understanding yourself. She seems to be placing all the blame on you which isn't very healthy on a marriage or a person who has mental issues. It takes two in otherwords.
And I laughed when you said you obsessed about researching AS, taking tests and reading up. OMG me too. *laughs* That should be diagnosis enough.
My husband was kind of skeptical and so was my mom but they are slowly starting to see everything. My husband was like OMG that is so you.
Now I'm going to have to work on telling my friends. I also bought a journal or two like someone here mentioned. I picked out one with flowers on it; a small one for feelings and a large one to document melt downs.
Smelena
Cure Neurotypicals Now!
Joined: 1 Apr 2007
Age: 64
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,950
Location: Australia
Hello,
I have 3 sons - the 2 oldest diagnosed with Asperger's, third son I'm not sure about (he's only 4).
I have realised my husband is Aspie and have adapted. We are now very happy, though our marriage was in big trouble a couple of years ago.
Which city are you in? If you're anywhere in Brisbane I strongly recommend you try Minds and Hearts http://www.mindsandhearts.net
Also, I recommend 'Alone Together' by Katrin Bentley.
http://www.jkp.com/catalogue/author.php/id/1621
I think you need to get yourself sorted out - get a diagnosis, or if you don't feel the need, learn more about Asperger's. Finding a psychologist would be fantastic.
Then hopefully your wife will come to accept you.
PM if you need more advice.
Regards
Helen
P.S. I live in Brisbane
I have recently been diagnosed with AS at 50, after 26 years of marriage (very tolerant wife!), this diagnosis has to a degree been more difficult for her than me. My psychologist lent me the book 'Aspergers in Love' by Maxine Aston - it helped both of us enormously.
At the end of each chapter are key points - my wife read the book and went through and marked the key points she thought applied to us and I did the same; it was a great way to start a difficult discussion. Much has still not been said, but we have a far better understanding of each other’s position and it is work in progress.
Hi,
First of all let me say that Aspergers is a subjective and non-specific condition - (ducks for cover).
Aspergers is a label to describe a grouping of bunch of symptoms rather than a physical tangible item in itself.
This is much the same as describing a person as an African American - ie: It's a label which conveys a group of characteristics. (Of course, that one is a lot more easily proven).
So, it seems to me from your description and also from the online test (and obviously from the feedback of others as well) that this label describes YOU as a person.
You could go to a doctor and get diagnosed with the label but is he going to do a blood test or DNA test? Nope, he'll just ask a bunch of questions and make a very subjective answer.
If there's no funding in it, if it's subjective in the extreme and if your wife isn't going to be supportive of the answer - is there any reason to get a diagnosis? - probably not.
That doesn't mean that you shouldn't avail yourself of the therapy and assistance that places like WP can offer.
Recommendation 1: Accept that you're an aspie, read up on it, ask questions, learn about it but keep it quiet. Your wife doesn't need to be told all about this yet.
Recommendation 2: It sounds like your marriage isn't faring too well at the moment. All marriages need work and constant communication. Get help with it.
I used a place called Marriage Encounter which really helped my marriage - we tried counselling but it really didn't work. Since M.E. my wife and I have had an amazingly strong marriage. PM me if you want details.
BTW: Your hypochondria is probably the fact that Aspergers often contains elements of lots of other conditions - eg: OCD, Schizophrenia, Depression. It's more likely that these were wrongly diagnosed.
I know I'm coming into this conversation late, but I found your story very heart breaking. I'm currently engaged to a man with asperger's. About a year into our dating relationship, I started thinking he may be Aspie. I'm an NT. Honestly, there are times I've thought he is an "as*hole", "insensitive", etc., even after his diagnosis. For this I am deeply ashamed.
It is a tough process for both parties involved. I have to basically ignore my "instincts" with him when he violates a deeply ingrained social code inside of me (that i never even realized was there in the first place! If that makes any sense). He is completely clueless as to why I am angry and my anger causes him to shut down. Frankly, I'm not known for my patience and can really fly off the handle when I feel that something important has been violated. Later I have to "get a grip" and cognitively tell myself that he didn't mean it and apologize to him for my outburst.
He makes me realize how arbitrary the things that I just assume to be "what are supposed to be done" are. I often find myself thinking about how odd us "normal" or better, "neurotypical" people are, and how intolerant. I could learn some patience and tolerance from my man - for he has an amazing amount of both.
I hope your wife does come around soon, but you may have to be prepared for the possibility that she won't. I know how my fiance can be rather "obsessed" with me as he is obsessed with math and certain puzzles, but sometimes with more intensity even than those. I have to be careful not to allow myself to take advantage of his tolerance (and take out my moods on him). He also needs to learn to be more assertive and not let people in general mess with him. We'll be going to counseling with a therapist who specializes in autism/aspergers on Friday.
As many of the posters have said, I think it is really important that you seek counseling from someone who knows about aspergers. Here in California there are plenty of psychologists that refused to see my fiance as aspie and loaded him up with pills for depression.
Good luck to you. My heart goes out to you.
I hate to say it, but YOU specifically made a very stupid mistake very early on that even I refused when I was younger to trap myself in: trying to be someone other than who you really were. You tried being someone you weren't, cause you didn't find YOURSELF appealing.
And even though throughout the years, people have badgered me to be someone I wasn't, I just couldn't- I couldn't sell myself out. I was who I was, and even though I used to be very depressed, and had ultra-low self-esteem, something inside me said "work on your self esteem, but don't stop being YOU".
There's a quote I have on my Facebook profile- AND my MySpace profile( for those interested, my MySpace page is myspace.com/kingrandor82), and I'd like to share it with you: "To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight and never stop fighting."- E.E. Cummings
Well, I didn't stop being me, and life's never been better.
As I've already shared, I let my girlfriend in on my Asperger's Syndrome the SECOND TIME she and I spent time together...and let her in on it even more after we kissed the first time. She's REALLY understanding, and we both realize it's an obstacle we have to overcome together. But we got it out into the open, early on- avoiding probably a thousand problems later on.
And now that you've told me what happened when you DIDN'T say anything, boy am I glad I handled my life the way I did. Now I understand why the marriage/divorce rate is so bad. You can say you love those PSAs all you want...at the end of the day, you just don't even listen to their message- You just care about the part where either Jem, Matt Tracker, Orko, Fat Albert, Sgt. Mace, Ma-Ti, or Lt. Falcon says "and knowing is half the battle!"
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