On being different

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I have been thinking about this a lot lately.

Mostly for the following reasons:

I realize more and more just how different I am. I try to think this is not a bad thing but the thought does creep in my mind. I try to frame it as just having a different mindset and a different way to express things. And some days I actually believe it. Some days are harder.

I do believe it is okay to be different. I do believe that people have different ways of expressing themselves and that's okay. But I am more and more aware that the WORLD does not share this opinion.

Some Aspies can pass really well. They are very quiet and often dignified looking and people would not know they are different, often until they start talking. At which point they can still sometimes pass and sometimes not.

I, on the other hand, could never pass. I have a lot of nervous energy; I have a different physical appearance; I eminate anxiety from me at all times whether I like it or not! I don't mean to be this way but I am so I need to accept it.

Not only that, but I am a very emotional person. VERY. I have always been this way. I mean, I cry at the drop of a hat, ever since I was a little kid I would.
The amount I am crying does not necessarily relate to the amount of distress I am going through; or if it does, the distress usually passes pretty quickly.
In the NT world = crying is a big deal. It means someone is seriously upset and something is SERIOUSLY wrong and it is a breach of a conduct.

To me, crying is just crying, it's almost as normal as talking. It's just another way to express a feeling and emotion. I don't do it consciously; I don't try to cry! I don't want to, but I am helpless to stop it once I start, so I've just learned to live with it and let it run its course.

But it pisses off the world.

It makes people very uncomfortable.

And a few days ago, someone actually called the police because of it. I was standing outside a grocery store, I won't bore you with the chain of events that led up to it in too much detail, but I moved to Vermont a month ago, it has been going very badly, I have been extremely stressed out, and the day in question was the worst day yet. I was waiting for friend to pick me up who was an hour late without calling, worrying me quite badly, then when i went to the parking lot to find her after she called and said she was there, I couldnt find her, and knocked my knee on the shopping cart. This (temporarily) sent me over the edge and I couldn't handle it anymore, any of the emotions that had been building up over the past month, all my worry about the future, etc etc. So I broke down and cried. On the side of the parking lot by the entrance to the store. I just sobbed and sobbed for several minutes straight. Someone asked me if I was OK and I said yes, assuming that was the end of it, which it usually is in 99.99% cases; unfortunately in this one, it wasn't, because she called the police.

I talked to them and told them I was ok and embarassedly why I had been crying and apologized.

At this point my friend showed up and said "I;m with her" and they asked her if she was my "caretaker." I blanched at that word but figured if it would get us out of the situation then fine. She said "yes" (not true of course) , and again, I blanched, but let it go.

I was embarassed, but, I figured, things happen.

My stepmom did not see it that way when my so-called friend who I'm still figuring out how to deal with told her about it behind my back. After I had told her specifically to stop telling my stepmom about things in my life without telling me first what she was going to tell her. The so called friend, who I've only known since Ive been in Vermont, so she's only seen the absolute worse side of me since I've been a mess here,told my stepmom I needed "24/7 care." For that comment alone it might be worth dropping the friendship. I trusted her and I like her and shes a great person and she cares about me but she has NO RIGHT to say that, to think that, and to tell my parents that. More to the point, do I want to be friends with someone who has that opinion of me?? I just don't know.

I felt uncomfortable being a stereotype. I felt uncomfortable knowing that my coping abilities have slipped somewhat and there is a lot that I can't do on my own. But I still have dignity. I moved to some town I'd never been to in a state I'd never been to to live with a person I'd never met on the off chance it would work - THAT requires a LOT of courage and independence and, yes, independent living skills. And I HAVE been able to do just about everything myself, albeit with great difficulty. I CAN take the bus and grocery shop and cook. But because this friend presented herself to me as someone that would be available to help me do whatever I needed help with, like errands and such, I took advantage of her offer and enlisted her services maybe more than I should have; therefore she sees me as extremely needy and unstable. I see myself as having more needs than most people, but not being anywhere near her assessment.

So it's a continuuum as far as I can see. I am one way, a way common to those with ASD, and try as I might I will never be able to get the worlld to understand this position. I thought before that it would happen eventually, that people would understand eventually, some people at least, but now I see that that will likely never happern and I have to severely lower my expecations of the world around me or do SOMETHING to be able to fit in with the world better or not be so dissapointed by it and not let it bring me down .

My stepmom thought my behavior was reprehensible and a lot of other things. I said, it's unfortunate that someone had to bring the police in to it, but honestly, crying is not against the law. Losing your cool, losing your marbles as long as you're not hurting anyone, for a few minutes, while embarassing and not desirable, is not a crime, not something to be criticized or condemned or evidence of the complete unstability of a person; it's just losing your cool for afew minutes. We all do it, some more than others, some more visibily than others, but we all do it, and until the world can see both sides of the continuum as clearly as we can, we're going to continue to get condemned for it.

Had I been on my own, well, first of all I don't think I would have been crying so hard because the presence of another person in anything I do complicates things and raises the stress level for me greatly; so had I been on my own doing my own thing on my own schedule I would not have ran into such a problem and not cried (or cried much or as visibily). But it does the beg the question would the police have let me go if I was on my own? Even if I was talking to them and answering their questions and telling them I was fine, talking coherently? I stopped crying when I saw them, that sobered me up pretty quickly. I have to believe they would - again, crying is not against the law! - but it is a bit of a scary proposition. It of course brings to mind a similar incident in college five years ago - I was able to talk my way out of that one, but it was on my college campus where people knew me, and it still took an hour for them to let me go. (I got a lot of inspiration for writing from that, though, and it's the reason why I'm published now, so I don't regret it).

What do people think about all this? About different forms of expression? About the "rightness" or "wrongness" of them , about how to find a place in a society like this, about the legality of it, or your own personal experiences?

Kate

i have never heard of anyone calling the police due to someone crying. she must have thought u were injured or something more serious then a bad day.

people should just understand that crying is how you deal with things.
and the 24/7 care comment, what was she thinking? anyway i am sure that was not meant to be a slanderous comment but based on her observations of you, which were only of the bad side of you.

i think that a lot of aspies do try hard to mould themselves to be acceptable to the majority. a lot spend their whole lives trying.

but AS people have to understand (myself included) that they are not wrong, they are just rare.

I am simliar to you...regarding the tendacy to cry...and the bundle of nervous energy and social anxiety and whatnot....I never understood why crying was such a big deal....

When I am in a certain frame of mind, I can burst into tears just by having someone talk to me unexpectedly.
i have unintentionally made many scenes in public..(meltdowns and whatnot.)...I was hosting a group of people once that I did not know very well and i ended up losing my marbles in front of them and there was no one there to back me up so I could run and hide.

I went through a similar situation about 2 years ago..moving to a new city and not adjusting well..and feeling alone...and I cried alot....really pissing off the person I was living with who just didn;t understand.

I also cry when I paint...It is cathartic...it blows off steam....it is a form of sanity maintinance...but is really freaks some people out...

I also look differently, talk differently, and act differently than the norm....and it is one of the things about being me that I actually like....It is what keeps me feeling human.....in fact almost everyone in my very small peer group has some sorta neuro-issue or another...some serious...
Together we are like a gang of loonies...acting goofy..having mood swings...getting on each-others nerves and bouncing back///reminding the rest of the world (or at least the people in our immediate vicinity that...um...ya know...we're here..we're weird..get used to it...It is kinda the thing that my venue Super Happy Fun Land is all about...
A travelling freak show performed at out venue once...on a night when our bathroom was broken....we had "crazy older Aspie Lady" working the bar....my bi-polar schitzophrenic friend posted as bathroom attendant in the back...um...um...Me...totally spazzing out..running back and forth...probably drunk because it was the only way I could handle this high volume of social stress...the next day a clown from the circus was talking to me about how strange some of the people who work at our venue are....I found it only a tad ironic...(eeggaads..hevan fforbid that he might read this and get offended)...that their thing was all about promoting physical diversity....and he didn't seem to see the connection that my venue is a haven for neuro-diversity...to the best of our ability anyway......ok...sorry for the tangent...

Sounds like a kind of emotional meltdown. I have meltdowns that are of a purely emotional nature. Yesterday I had to get off the bus and onto another one as the people there were annoying me so much, I was getting angrier and angrier at them.

They werent doing anything directly bad to me, it was just the irritation of people on a bus in general, the little things they do, I felt very irritable. Some days it is worse than others.

Also it is the fact that that particular bus had a strong mouldy smell, that caused the initial grumpiness.

despite the problems you are having, you seem to have a sense of humour, and especially with the crying, bless you. Have you considered acting? I would say it's a gift to cry at a drop of a hat, please don't take that the wrong way, sometimes it's possible to turn unusual, troubling things like this into something positive.

I used to cry easily when I was younger, but I rarely do so now, unless I lose a pet or read of a pet or a person on my cat site who is sick or has passed away.

I do have more than the average level of anxiety but, again, this has decreased significantly since I was younger. Still, I wish it didn't occur at all, because I want to advance and be promoted at work. I love the job I have now, but I would like someday to have a full time job that utilizes the skills I possess.

I think that being normal is way overrated.

Wow.. I've never had someone call the cops because of my crying.. I've cried in public because of my (former) job a couple times. Aside from my boss sending me off the floor until I was done I got no attention from it. (Good. I can never explain myself when I need to anyway.)

How is one supposed to "be the change you wish to see in the world", when one isn't supported in that courageous yet terrifyingly lonely perspective by the world ? (That was rhetorical question, not aimed at you). One's supposed to keep up one's spirits & hope for positive change, yet so many experiences deflate that hope.
You took a daring & scary leap by moving (am not saying that's bad, merely that it's a stress-even desirable change creates some difficulty), which in itself could explain the roughness of transition. It makes sense to me that this would be an especially trying time for you-as it would be for any human being, regardless of neurological status !

I cry plenty, I just happen to be so agoraphobic (and also am lucky to have companion who goes out & does things for me, so I can hide at home) that it rarely happens in public. It's annoying & offensive that the general public considers "losing face" (having emotions nakedly, rather than stifled, stuffed, and totally under one's control) so significant a breach of protocol.

My embarrassing story involving police is from several years ago (long before I got dx'd). I'll leave out what led me to freak out, bc. people would mock me (and intellectually, I understand how trivial it seems). I was at home & I screamed twice-as loud as I could. The tenant next door called police, who came to my door. I had to explain to them that no, my husband hadn't hurt me-I was upset about something (involving food). They were incredulous, but I insisted that truly was only reason I screamed. They eventually left, after I apologized & said I wouldn't do it again. My husband was mortified, as was I-esp. imagining the cops telling their co-workers about the crazy lady who got this upset over the stupidest thing they'd ever heard of, joking at my expense. Thinking about it now still makes me feel ridiculous...

Bad, mad, or sad doesn't automatically equate to illegal-and vice versa-but you'd never know it from how some people react to (another person's) intense expression of emotion.