Eye contact??

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Hi all,

I am Mummy to a 5 year old little girl who was diagnosed with AS in september last year.

She as big issues making eye contact with most people (fine with me and daddy her sister). I dont have any problems with this, and i never make her make eye contact, i dont really see it as a big deal, she will join in with conversations ect to a certain extent.

In a recent conversation with my Mum (who used to work with ASD adults many moons ago) she said that i should be encouraging her to make eye contact.

I just dont see it as an issue ! ! But i also realise that i may be wrong here.

So why do Aspies find eye contact difficult ??, obviously my little girl is to young to explain.........so i thought id ask the experts (hope thats ok).

Should i encourage her to make eye contact or not ??

I find eye contact really difficult. It feels uncomfortable, I can't do it. I don't really know how to explain it, other than it feels wrong.

Well I have no opinion about encouraging; just really don’t force her to do it. Because it really is more than simply not wanting to make eye contact.

Sorry I can't help you by explaining better. I'm terrible at expressing these feelings. I never think about them in words, so I totally lack an emotional vocabulary.

Hi Tormod,

Thanks for you reply, It most helpful.

You have enforced for me what i was already feeling about it to be honest, to force her to make eye contact does just feel wrong.

I learned my own ways to get around it when I was about 9 because they wouldn't let me in the choir and I manged to work out it was because the other children seemed to stare at the teacher (thats what I thought) from then on I gradually worked out my own ways of getting around it by staring at her hair. I still don't know the point of it though and only recently found out it was actually a 'thing'.

Anyway my point is that if you don't encourage her it may be that when shes older she comes up with her own ways of getting around it or she might not, I don't think you should force her though, its really uncomfortable almost like their eyes burn, for me it got a bit easier as I got older.

I don't think there's a "why" on this one. But your mother is probably right in that it's a useful life-skill to develop at an early age if possible.

If you can think of a way that doesn't overly stress the kid out and would encourage her to do it, I say go for it. If it doesn't work out, then it's best not to force the issue.

Eye contact was just very intense and uncomfortable and unbearable for me as a child. I forced myself to do it some as a teenager as part of the curriculum in school when we worked on public speaking. It has become easier over the years, but not really easy. I still only make eye contact when I think about it and make myself do it.

I say children will make eye contact when they are ready.

i personally would not encourage eye contact but thats just me and the reason for why we do it i honestly dont know even tho im sure there is alot of aspies who seem unaffected by eye contact

I didn't develop appropriate eye-contact until I reached twenty (I'm 23 now). I can still come across as shy and/or introvert and even avoidant... but I am able to maintain sufficient eye-contact for most social and everyday situations. Although I do have to think about it to make sure I'm not over/under-doing it.

Some people will eventually develop it, perhaps much later than their peer-group... and some may never get the hang of it (nor even wish too).

But as long as there are means to communicate as much as the person wants to/is able to, I don't see the problem. Eye-contact is only one form of social-communicative interaction, after all.

eye 2 eye contact.... it f*****g hurts especially when the eyelashes poke you in the pupils. worse is when its pupil 2 pupil contact though.

never forget that day...

I agree, I was just like "mysterious_misfit" as a child, in fact could not even look at anyone, it has become easier over the years but its never been natural. Before being diagnosed last year I thought I could now, but have been thinking about it lately and to be honest its really just an uncomfortable stare. So I totally agree do not push the issue and let your child make eye contact when they are ready, otherwise it may really become an issue.

for me, most of the time, making eye contact just feels too "personal" like the other person can see exactly what I am thinking or read my mind. It is uncomfortable in most situations, and I have to think about it to do it "correctly" like at work (retail):
Look person in eye, say "hello, are you looking for anything in particular today?", smile and nod, lead to item or let them know that if they need anything I will be right around the corner.

I have recently found out that not everyone has to remember the steps each time and THINK about making eye contact when saying hello to someone. I have also recently found that I stare at a speakers tie, or shoulders, or earrings when they are speaking. (mostly at least.) Instead of forcing her to look people in the eyes, I would just let her know that some places are not polite to stare at if she gets in that habit. Possibly make her FACE you, it's hard to hear someone when they are turned away from you. My kid is a spinner, I have to make him face me when he talks "honey, I seriously can't understand you when you are not facing me, stand still a sec, and tell me again."

Ok, that made me laugh.

But seriously, if eye contact is too difficult for her to maintain, then perhaps you can help her work on focusing on other parts of the face, like the person's nose or mouth. Sometimes when I simply can't manage to make eye contact, I'll focus on the person's lips and actually watch what they're saying. I've noticed I retain more of what they said by doing this instead of forcing myself to make eye contact.

Eye contact is especially painful when the person with whom you're speaking is angry with you or their face is ugly.

Unless you are, like me, unable to tell the difference between ugly and beauty... Am I the only person who has that handicap?

Thanks for the insight guys, thats just what i was after. I think i will just trust my Mummy instints from now on, what my Mum said just got my thinking.

Im generally very tuned into my daughter as we are very close, its just when someone questions your parenting skills its sort of makes you question whether you are right or not. .

Eye touch topic

This is how it feels. Just like two cue balls grating each other. Ouch. I do not even like looking into my kids' eyes, but I do so they will know I love them.

As for others, I find it threatening. And I do not like when they look at me.